What Is This Feeling?
by MusicWritesMyLife
Summary: When Derek chose Addison, he thought he made the right choice. But after Meredith becomes the girl with the bomb and he has to spend a whole day waiting to find out if she's alive, he realizes there never was a choice. New take on S2 E16/17 Please R&R!
1. Don't Trust The Feeling

**A/N: So I should probably leave them as is, and it's not a big deal...but I'm a stickler for formatting and I really wanted the line breaks to be there and clear, and so if you've already read the chapter, then don't read it again. **I edited chapter 2, 3, and 4 too so you don't need to reread those. **If you haven't read the chapter, disregard this. **

She knows she's going to die today.

It started when she got up this morning. As she opened her eyes, she got a feeling. An icy-cold feeling of foreboding; of impending doom; of apocalypse; the kind that made her want to lie in bed all day so that there was no occasion for that feeling to become reality. She would have done it too, had Cristina not dragged her out of bed and to the hospital, because, regardless of what happens to everyone else, she—Meredith Grey—is going to die today.

Derek told her the feelings normally pass. He made it sound like he gets those feelings all the time, and, as she heads to the OR to meet Dr. Burke, she hopes he's right, because she really wants this feeling to go away. No one likes to feel like this is their last day on Earth. Especially when they can't spend it the way they want to. Not since Derek's married anyways. Meredith doesn't want to be a home wrecker. It's the one thing she promised herself she'd never be, especially not after what happened with her parents. Even if she dies today, Derek and Addison will still be here, and their home will still be wrecked. She'll still be the home wrecker. Besides, if she's gone, things will be easier between him and Addison if he can say that he hasn't slept with anyone other than her while she's been in Seattle. Meredith knows that she drives a wedge between them, and try as she might to stop, they seem to be drifting further and further apart. That, and Addison thinks of her as the dirty mistress. Or maybe dirty ex-mistress is more appropriate.

There's no reason for this feeling, no logical justification for why she feels like she's going to die today. So far nothing has happened that is remotely out of the ordinary. Nothing other than the fact that the patient she's currently taking to surgery—who's probably going to need to have his aorta repaired—has the hand of a brand new paramedic stuck in the abnormally huge, unexplained cavity in his chest. Her hand is stemming the bleeding and keeping him alive so that Burke can operate. It's unorthodox, but certainly not dangerous. Yet this feeling of Meredith's keeps intensifying, like every step towards the OR is one more step towards the end. Part of her wants to scream and run away, but the bigger, rational part of her steels herself against these impulses. _You're a surgeon, Meredith,_ she tells herself. _You're the one saving lives, not the one in need of saving. So get a grip and go save this poor bastard's life._

"You ready to scrub in, Dr. Grey?" Burke asks, as they wheel the patient into the OR.

Meredith takes a deep breath and shoves the feeling down. "Yes."

"Well wash up and let's get started. I'll bet you want to take your hand out, don't you, Hannah?" This last is directed at the paramedic with her hand in the guy's chest.

She nods, looking relieved. "Yes, sir."

Meredith watches them prepping the OR and putting the patient under anaesthetics while she washes up, and is helped into her gloves and smock. Dr. Burke is the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the west half of the country. Nothing is going to go wrong with this procedure. She's just being silly. It's all this stuff with Derek; it's got her confused. Her hormones are going crazy. That's all.

"I'm ready." She sidles up to Burke. All decked out and ready to operate, she can see what Cristina sees in him. He's so calm and confident. He probably never gets feelings. He probably never doubts himself.

Burke nods. "All right. Let's get started." He rolls his neck and she can hear it crack; it's his standard pre-surgery ritual. "Scalpel."

Meredith hands it to him, marvelling at how steady his hands are, just like Derek's. He probably never gets the kind of feeling she has. She needs to stop thinking about him. Especially when she's in surgery. She needs to be on top of her game. Calm. Focused. Derek Shepherd doesn't inspire either of those feelings.

Burke is talking to Hannah, telling her that he's going to count to three and on three she can pull her hand out, but Meredith isn't listening. She should be paying attention; she's the student and Burke is the teacher. Surgeons are supposed to be on top of things, on the ball, not freaking out about whether or not they're going to die in a matter of moments.

"One." Burke's voice is so sure, so steady it breaks through the haze of Meredith's brain. He watches Hannah, scalpel poised and ready. Meredith takes a deep breath and tries to keep her eyes on Burke. _There's no need to panic. Everything is going to be fine. Derek promised. _

"Two." The scalpel is poised above Mr. Carlson chest. Meredith feels like she's hanging by a thread that could snap at any second. It's not working. It's not passing. Despite Derek's promise, the feeling isn't going away. It's all Meredith can do not to run away and hide until this is all over. Somehow she knows that if Burke makes this incision, it's all over. She'll be gone. Dead. Obliterated into a million tiny pieces. It'll be like she never existed.

"Dr. Burke, I need to speak to you."

Burke freezes, his lips about to form that fateful word, scalpel hovering millimetres from Mr Carlson's chest.

Alex Karev is standing in the doorway, mask pressed over his face. Looking at him, Meredith knows something is wrong. Alex knows better than to interrupt an operation in progress, so this has to be something big.

Meredith glances at Burke. The anticipation in the room is almost stifling; everyone is waiting to see how he is going to react. Meredith can't help feeling a stab of pride towards Alex; it takes serious balls to interrupt Burke in surgery. Burke looks furious. "I am in surgery, Karev." His tone is like ice.

"You want to talk to me, sir." The urgency in Alex's voice is clearly audible. This must be a big deal; Alex, who never goes anywhere quickly unless it suits his purposes, looks—and sounds—like he's just run a marathon.

All eyes are on Burke. _Go see him, go see him_, Meredith begs silently. She doesn't want this to be the end. She doesn't want this feeling to be anything more than a feeling.

"This had better be good, Karev," Burke mutters, setting down the scalpel and striding over to Alex. Meredith breathes a sigh of relief, as if the crisis has been averted. She hears him begin to say something to Alex; it sounds like Burke is angry.

"He's cute," Hannah says quietly, leaning closer to Meredith. "Is he single?"

Meredith is considering the best way to answer this question when she notices that they're now whispering to each other and looking over at Mr Carlson. All the relief she feels evaporates as she sees the look on their faces. Burke's is calm, too calm, but the calmness doesn't touch his eyes. She can see the shock there, and the resignation. As everyone watches he gives a small nod and turns away from Alex.

"Hannah?"

"Yes, Dr Burke?" Hannah's voice is calm, almost eager. It's obvious she has no idea that anything is amiss.

"What do you feel? Inside of Mr Carlson, what is your hand touching?"

The focus of the whole room shifts to the young paramedic. Meredith's mind is reeling. Is there something in his chest? What could be in his chest that could cause so much alarm?

Hannah looks at Burke uncertainly. "What do you mean?" she asks, and there is less calmness in her voice.

"Is you hand touching anything hard?" Burke's voice is so gentle, so calm that it unsettles Meredith more than if he were yelling. She wishes he were yelling.

"Hard," Meredith repeats, wondering if she has heard Burke correctly. Why would there be something hard in his chest?

"Like metal." Metal…in his chest?

Hannah looks equally confused. "Um, I don't know," she says in a small voice. She starts to shift her fingers, obviously probing for something. "Don't move your hand." Burke's voice is sharp, and the tension in the room escalates. "Just tell me what you feel."

"Dr Burke? What's going on?" Meredith's voice seems to echo in throughout the room. All eyes are riveted back to Burke, waiting for his verdict. She watches Alex, trying to get some indication as to what's going on, but he's watching Burke too. Beside her, she can practically feel Hannah trembling, probably wondering what the hell she's touching, what the hell she's gotten herself into. She knows that Burke can see her too, he's looking right at her, but he ignores her. "Hannah?"

"Um." It's clear she's on edge. "My fingertips are touching something kinda hard." She pauses. "Yeah. Definitely." Her voice is getting stronger.

"Oh my God," the anaesthesiologist whispers.

"Dr Milton," Burke says sharply.

Meredith can feel Hannah beginning to panic. "What?" The paramedic's voice quavers slightly. "What's wrong?"

"Hannah I don't want you to move." The calm in Burke's voice is obviously forced; it's his soothing doctor voice. "Not your hand, not your body, not an inch."

"Okay." Her voice is shaking now. "You should know you're starting to scare me."

"Don't be scared. Everything's going to be fine." Meredith can feel the fear in the room, the uncertainty. Everyone is wondering what has flapped the unflappable Dr. Burke. Hannah's face is the worst: she's clearly terrified, which is understandable since it's her hand in the guy's chest. Meredith knows that everyone wants to know the same thing, but they're all either afraid of Burke, or afraid of what it is he'll say. Well, _she'_s not going to sit here and do nothing. She hates being kept in the dark anyways.

Meredith shifts her weight slightly and looks at Burke pointedly, as if to remind him that there are a dozen or so people still here, waiting to know what's happened. Very few people pressure Preston Burke when he's thinking, mostly because he's revered as being some kind of god. But Meredith has never been for rules or gods, and besides, now is not the time for long considerations.

"Dr Grey, can I, uh—" Burke trails off. Hannah glances at Meredith, panicked and her eyes seem to plead: _You're not going to leave me here all by myself, are you?_ Meredith feels bad for her; she's so young and it's her first week on the job, and something horrible like this has happened. Meredith knows what it's like when you're just starting out, you just want to do well and impress everybody. Something like this is the last thing that she would want to happen on her week. It's like when Meredith found out that Derek was her boss, or when she thought that Katie Bryce was going to die because she hadn't been fast enough answering her pager. She touches Hannah's shoulder reassuringly. "Everything's going to be fine," she says gently, even though both of them know that nothing is going to be fine.

She can feel the eyes of the whole room on her as she crosses the OR to Dr Burke. The tension is stifling; she feels like she's walking to her death or something.

"Whatever you do," Burke says quietly, so that no one but her and Alex can hear, "do not panic, do you understand me? _Do not panic_." Meredith nods uncertainly. She's never been the panicking type to begin with, and Burke knows this, so it must be something bad.

"Burke," she whispers, not wanting to wait any longer. "What's going here?" The feeling's not just a feeling is it? She's actually going to die today. This is her last day on Earth. The last day of her existence. And Derek is _married_. Of course. Of course he's married. Fate always deals Meredith the crappy hand.

"I want you to walk out of this room—_walk_. Do not run." Burke's voice is scarily calm. "Go and tell the charge nurse that we have a Code Black."

Meredith frowns in confusion. Code Black? What's a Code Black? "I'm sorry, Code Black?"

"Code Black," Burke repeats, and she can tell that he's starting to loose it a little. "Tell him that I am sure, and then tell him to call the bomb squad."

It's like the pit drops out of Meredith's stomach. Bomb squad? Here? At Seattle Grace?

It's not until she and Alex are out of the OR and walking towards the elevators that she dares ask the question that's been hovering in the back of mind ever since Alex interrupted the surgery. "Is there a–a bomb in his chest?" It sounds absurd, even when she says it.

He shakes his head, and she feels a momentary stab of relief. "Then why—"

"The guy shot himself with a bazooka and the ammo never exploded," Alex interrupts quietly. "Since it's homemade it's highly volatile so it's even more dangerous. That thing could go off at any moment."

"Jesus," Meredith whispers. She can't believe it. It seems so impossible and yet—it's happening. "Poor Hannah." Suddenly, Meredith's first week on the job doesn't seem nearly as bad. "She's got her hand in Mr Carlson's chest…" She freezes as something occurs to her. "Alex, what if Burke had cut him open?"

Alex doesn't say anything for a long moment. "I don't know, Meredith," he finally says. His voice is quiet. "I don't know."

* * *

><p>Derek Shepherd tries really hard to focus. He's good at what he does—one of the best—but when the husband of a co-worker in labour whom you hold in the highest esteem is lying on your operating table with his skull flap open, resting at your mercy, it can be a little nerve-wracking. More than a little nerve-wracking, actually, especially considering what Bailey will do if her husband dies on his watch. So when his pager goes off just as he's about to begin closing up, it's all he can do not to jump or react in any way. "Yang, could you get that?"<p>

Wordlessly, Cristina crosses the room to the phone. Derek turns his attention back to Tucker Jones' open skull flap. The page is probably nothing; just another patient in need of a consult; just another place he needs to be, another thing he needs to do to keep him busy so that he won't have to think about Meredith. Or Addison. Or marriage.

"How's he doing?" Izzie asks.

Derek sighs. "It's touch and go, but I think he's going to be fine. Go and tell Addison that he's doing better than I thought, but I don't know if he's going to wake up." Izzie nods and leaves the room, just as Cristina hangs up and comes back over.

"What did they want?" Derek's eyes don't leave Tucker's open skull. He's almost finished here. Another half hour, max, and they're good to go.

"Sir, they said they want us to evacuate."

Derek turns sharply. "Evacuate? Did they say why?"

"Uh, no, but your pager said Code Black?"

The whole room freezes. Derek stops, hardly daring to believe his ears. It must be a mistake. He misheard, or Cristina misread it. That's all.

"You're sure they said that?" he asks, quietly, waiting for her to say something different and confirm that he misheard her because it can't be a Code Black. It just can't be.

"Yes." Cristina glances at him uncertainly, holding out the pager for him to see. "What's a Code Black?"

Derek takes a deep breath. It's a drill. It has to be. But he can't help thinking about what Meredith said about having a feeling. He needs to know where she is; whether or not this is a drill, he needs to know that she is safe. "Could be a drill," he says calmly. "Even if it's not a drill, I can't evacuate, I've got a patient with an open brain on the table. I'm not leaving Bailey's husband on the table with his skull flap open, so, if anybody wants to go, they should go. Anybody want to evacuate? Going once," he adds, as nobody moves. "Going twice. Going three times." There's a moment of deliberation, and then everyone starts to file out. Everyone, that is, except the anaesthesiologist and Cristina.

"You're sure they said Code Black?" Derek says quietly, turning his attention back to her. She nods. "Yes, sir."

"Are you sure you want to stay, Yang?" he asks, watching her carefully. She's strong, and she loves her job, but she must know that something is wrong here. He's sure she doesn't believe it's a drill. Hell, he doesn't even think this is a drill, he'd only said that to avoid total chaos in his OR. If it were a drill, the Chief would have notified the attendings this morning, wouldn't he?

"I'll stay," she replies quickly, too quickly. Derek frowns slightly. Why won't she leave? Derek knows she loves surgery, but shouldn't she at least be a little concerned? Does she really love surgery that much, or does she really think it's a drill? Or maybe…

"Burke's in the OR isn't he?"

Cristina's head snaps up. "Is that why you're staying, Cristina?" Derek keeps his voice kind. Situations like these are tough. He knows that. He knows exactly how she feels. He feels the same way about Meredith.

She looks away quickly, and he knows he's hit the nail on the head. "Meredith's his intern," she snaps.

He freezes. "What?"

"Meredith. She's scrubbing in on Burke's surgery." Cristina refuses to look him in the eye.

So Meredith is Burke's intern. So she's in the OR down the hall. No big deal. She may not have stayed. She probably hasn't. Burke probably hadn't even started his surgery yet. Either way she's fine. Everything's fine. It has to be. Derek can't think about this know, he'll drive himself crazy and Bailey's husband needs him. "All right everybody, let's finish up so that we can get out of here. Suction." He gestures to the scrub nurse beside him.

It seems to take years, but Tucker's head is finally stitched up. Derek wraps his head in bandages; it looks like he's got a large white turban on. Derek takes a deep breath and steps back from the table. It's done. It's over. Tucker Jones is going to be fine. Bailey is going to be fine. He's fine. Meredith is fine. Everything's fine.

"Can you go tell Dr Montgomery that I think Mr Jones' prognosis is better than anticipated, Dr Yang?" Derek asks, trying to remain calm, while fighting the urge to run and find Meredith, because telling himself that she's OK just doesn't seem to be doing any good. "I'm sure Bailey will want to know that her husband's going to be fine." If she knows that is; Addison may have chosen not to tell her.

Cristina nods, but her face is tight and he realizes that she's suppressing the same urge he is; she wants to know that Burke is OK. "You can check in with Dr Burke after," he adds quietly. "He may need some help with his surgery."

She ignores him and hurries out. Obviously, she still hates him because of what happened with Meredith. Derek knows she's probably never going to forgive him. Which is fine. He's never really liked her anyways.

"You can take him down, Bokey." He turns to the scrub nurse and gestures to Tucker. "You'll have to ask Dr Webber where to put him since they may have evacuated the surgical wing. I'm sure it's just a drill and it will probably be over by now," he adds calmly, seeing the startled look on her face, "but you should check with the Chief just to be sure." The words are barely out of his mouth before he's gone, out of the OR, ripping off the surgical gear as he goes and leaving it flung on the ground beside the door, and washing up as fast as he can because he needs to go find her. Make sure that she's OK.

The hallway outside the OR is empty. _Richard will be pleased,_ Derek muses to himself. _Everyone's very efficient at evacuating. _He heads straight to the elevator, because she must already be downstairs. _She's fine. _He tries to breathe, to be calm and rational. _There's no one up here. She must be safe. _He's a surgeon, for God's sake, why is he panicking? Burke probably never started; he couldn't have. There'd be no way he could be finished by now, could he? Of course not. What is he thinking? There's no surgery that could be done that quickly, and certainly not Burke's. His was the patient with the huge gaping hole in his chest, or so Derek has heard. That's what Cristina was saying. Burke's got the one with the huge, explained hole in his chest and no one knows how it happened because the wife won't stop screaming. Right. He heard about that one.

There's a group of people gathered by the elevator. There's maybe six or seven of them, and, at first, he thinks they're waiting for the elevator, but then he realizes that they're all standing off to the side. They're talking among themselves, and he can't heat what they're saying, but their tone makes it harder and harder for him not to panic. There's definitely something wrong here.

One of them is sitting off to the side. She's still wearing full surgical gear; they all are, but its' those eyes: green-grey and beautiful and full of tension.

"Meredith?"

A hush falls over the crowd. Meredith's head jerks up, and, despite the surprise, there's something else in her eyes: relief, maybe? Derek can feel the hope welling up from somewhere deep inside him, and it doesn't matter that he chose Addison; Meredith feels relieved to see him, she still wants him. All is not lost. There's still something there.

"Meredith, what are you doing here?" He moves away from the others and she follows. He doesn't like them watching, it makes him feel exposed. Thankfully, they don't; there are more interesting things to talk about today than the latest between him and Meredith, and that's what worries him.

"I had to finish operating on Bailey's husband. What about you? Cristina said you were Burke's intern."

Meredith starts. It's obvious that she has no idea what happened with Tucker Jones. Which is no surprise, since she was probably in Burke's OR the whole time. "Is Bailey's husband okay? What happened?"

"He was in a car accident. Nothing too serious, just some hemorrhaging. He's going to be fine."

"Good." Meredith looks incredibly relieved.

"But what about you?" he persists. He just wants her to leave, as soon as she's out of harm's way, then everything can go back to normal. "Why aren't you downstairs?"

Meredith takes a deep breath. Dread spreads like ice tendrils in the pit of Derek's stomach. "Derek…" The look on her face scars him and he knows. "It's not a drill, is it?" She shakes her head. "Burke's patient...Mr Carlson shot himself with a bazooka and the ammunition never exploded. And the reason he's not in a million pieces right now is because there's a twenty-two year old paramedic who's on her first week of work with her in his chest holding it in place." Her words are tumbling out in a rush now. "The ammunition's homemade and highly volatile, and Burke called the bomb squad and-and—" Meredith takes a deep breath; he can tell she's trying to keep it together. "She's touching it, Derek. She's so young, and she could die today."

Derek sighs and touches her arm lightly, resisting the urge to crush her against him. "She's going to be okay, Mer. The bomb squad will know what to do." Even as he says it, he knows it isn't true; everything isn't fine, no one knows what's going to happen.

Meredith lets out a long breath. "I'm staying here, Derek. Burke's going to need help once the bomb squad gets that thing out, and I'm not just going to leave him," she adds, seeing the look on Derek's face. "That guy's my patient too."

"Meredith, I—" He wants to tell her that she needs to go, that she needs to get away, that he can't take it if she stays, but she cuts him off.

"You should go." Her voice is quiet. "The Chief, Addison, Bailey, they'll be looking for you. And you should check on Bailey's husband. I'll be fine." He knows what she's doing. She's reminding him of reality: he's married and she's not, he's an attending and she's an intern. There is no more Meredith and Derek.

Derek looks at her. That's all he can do now, look but not touch. He knows this. He has to go. "Promise me you'll be okay," he whispers.

"I'll be fine," Meredith promises. "Don't worry about me."

"I wish I could do that," he says quietly before heading down the hallway. Today, he'll take the stairs.


	2. Wait

The hallways are silent. Most of the other surgical staff has gone downstairs to be on standby out of harm's way. Meredith's told them that she'll page them when Burke needs their help, but she knows that by the time they get up there, there won't be too much left to do. Burke doesn't have time to wait for everyone to get to the OR. He needs people to be there right away, or that guy's going to bleed out on the table. Besides, Meredith isn't afraid to wait up here. It's easier to wait in the quiet because there's nobody else's panic to contend with her own; feeling safe won't happen anywhere. It doesn't matter where she waits, that feeling isn't going to go away.

The elevator doors open and Meredith looks up hopefully, expecting the bomb squad or maybe Derek coming to keep her company though that's highly unlikely: he's probably got patients, or maybe he's with Addison; if it's his last day on Earth, he must be spending it with her. Instead it's Cristina who comes tumbling out, her face full of concern and excitement. "Where's Burke?" She sounds so desperate, and Meredith can understand why: she would feel the same if it were Derek in that OR; part of her feels that way even now, except it's not him that's in danger of being blown up, it's her. "Shepherd said you would be up here and that I could assist Burke with the surgery, and there's a Code Black, and someone said something about a bomb?" Meredith has never heard Cristina talk so much ever. It's nice to have someone to wait with though; Cristina, surgical junkie and girlfriend of Burke, is hardly going to pass up on a surgery like this.

"The crater in that guy's chest was a GSW. He got shot with a homemade replica of some anti-aircraft rifle or something and the ammunition—also homemade—never exploded. And that paramedic with her hand in his chest? She's holding the bomb in place."

"No way." Cristina slides down the wall beside Meredith. "And if Burke—"

"Alex got there just in time," Meredith replies hastily, not wanting to consider the alternative. "You know, if we all survive this, you're going to owe Alex big time." Cristina groans and runs a hand through her wildly curly hair. "Don't remind me. Hey, did you say that thing he shot himself with was homemade?"

Meredith nods. "Yeah and apparently that's his 'hobby'. He and his buddy put on uniforms and fire things that they built themselves—with ammunition they built themselves—in the backyard. Crazy, huh?"

"Stupid is what it is. Seriously." Cristina shakes her head. "Well, at least we get a cool surgery."

"Yeah, if we don't get blown to pieces." That feeling is starting to get to her.

"Do you really think we'll die?" Cristina's voice is quiet and almost vulnerable.  
>Meredith sighs. "I wish I knew, Cristina. Believe me, I wish I knew."<p>

There's a moment of silence before Cristina finally shakes her head. "Damn. You got a bomb in a body cavity and all I got was Bailey's husband's brains." So much for being vulnerable.

"How is he doing? Derek didn't say much."

"You saw Shepherd?" Cristina watches Meredith intently, like she's afraid that Meredith is going to have some kind of breakdown or something. She wonders how to answer this question while appearing to remain totally impartial, when Cristina continues: "He had a lot of bleeding in his brain and stuff; Shepherd thought he was going to die, and he almost did, but then he was okay…"

"Bailey's husband almost died?" Meredith can't believe that Bailey's husband is even here in the first place. As a surgeon, you feel bad when a patient dies, but you get over it quickly. Their deaths are unfortunate, but there's always a chance of that happening. It's just another patient. You can't save everybody. You never think it's going to be someone you know because you're untouchable. You save lives; so it's like everyone you love is immune to accident, injury, and disease. You never think it's going to be you in the waiting room, counting the seconds until the surgeons come and see you, hoping, praying that everything will be fine, until it is.

"Yeah." Cristina chuckles. "It was amazing. Scary as hell at the time, but now that it's over…it was amazing. His heart stopped beating and we tried compressions, but they were absolutely useless, and Shepherd got so frustrated that he just pounded his fist against the guy's chest, because he was pissed at the guy for dying, and then suddenly, there's a heartbeat."

"Wow." There really isn't anything else to say. If Bailey's husband had died…Well it would have been catastrophic. Especially since she's in labour right now. But he's fine. And the bomb squad is going to come and Burke is going to save the patient and nobody's going to die. Everything is going to be fine.

_This could be our last day on Earth,_ Meredith muses to herself. The thought seems absurd, but it's true and it makes her start to think about if it actually is her last day on Earth, and if it really is, then why is she sitting here doing nothing? "If this was you last day on Earth, how would you spend it?" she wonders aloud.

Cristina pauses to consider the question. "No judgement?"

"No judgement." Knowing Cristina, it's obviously going to be something that most people would consider to be weird and unnatural; most people won't understand why Cristina would want to spend her last day on Earth the way she does, but Meredith gets it. She gets Cristina.

"In surgery." Cristina states this as if there is no other plausible answer, as if everyone should spend their last day on Earth this way. "I'd get all the really good surgeries, and I'd do them solo. Think of it: twenty-four hours of uninterrupted surgery."

Meredith smiles. "Wouldn't you get awfully tired? And what would Burke say?"

"Well I'd take breaks to have wild sex with Burke, of course." Cristina appears shocked that Meredith hasn't assumed this.

"Surgery and sex." Meredith considers. Not bad for a last day on Earth.

"It's the only way to go. Hey, what about you? Are you on board for sex and surgeries, or am I going to have to do everything solo?"

Meredith sighs and fiddles with her gloves. If she was going to die today—and she very well might—how did she want to spend her last day? With Derek, obviously, but his being married makes that impossible. Then again, Cristina isn't having mad sex and performing wild and extravagant surgeries, is she? No one seems to think they're going to die today, except her. And Derek being married doesn't matter, because Cristina is asking how she would spend her last day on Earth if she knew it was her last day. She doesn't know if today is her last day. "I'd spend it with my people."

Cristina raises her eyebrows. Sentimental Meredith is an uncommon occurrence. "You wouldn't want to spend it with McDreamy? And besides, I thought I was your person."

"You are. And I didn't say that I didn't want to spend it with Derek, I just wouldn't spend the whole day with just him. I'd want him to be there the whole time, but I'd spend time with other people too. And do some surgeries. Cool, solo surgeries. And Addison would be gone somewhere far away. Better yet, she wouldn't even exist."

"Yeah, well you're not the only one who wishes she'd disappear," Cristina mutters.

Meredith wants to ask what exactly that means when the elevator doors open, revealing many official-looking men in all black. The bomb squad has finally arrived. Meredith and Cristina both scramble to their feet, not wanting to miss out on any of the action. The guy at the head of the pack, a very tough looking guy with dark hair, who is obviously in charge says, "Are you the surgical team?" Meredith knows right away that she doesn't like him. His tone is too aggressive, too arrogant. He's an ass. She can tell.

"Yes." He's striding off down the hall, obviously expecting them to follow. Who does he think he is? "Dylan Young, bomb squad. The floor's been evacuated?"

"With the exception of Dr Burke's OR, yes." Meredith glances at Cristina and raises her eyebrows. Cristina nods slightly. They are obviously on the same page.

"Good. Make sure all the rooms have been evacuated." This is directed at the rest of his team, with the exception of one man, who hovers in the background like a dog waiting for a bone. Meredith can't believe it. They'd told him the rooms were evacuated, and he has them checked anyways. _Ass_. "You want to take me to see Dr Burke?" The way he says it makes it seem as though the question is just a courtesy. There is no real choice here; Dylan Young has made it very clear that Meredith I to take him to see Burke no matter what happens. _Why ask me?_ she wants to ask him. _We all know you're an asshole. Hell, you probably even know you're an asshole. So what's the point in pretending to be all nice and polite? You'd be less of an ass if you just acted like one. This whole pretence of niceness make everyone hate you even more._ But instead of saying anything to him, she just nods and says, "He's in OR3."

Nobody says anything for a while. The hallways echo with the sound of their footfalls. There are a million things Meredith wants to say to Cristina, but the silence is so stifling that she remains silent. After a few moments, Dylan Young breaks the silence.

"Who are you?"

"I beg you're pardon?" Meredith is hoping she misheard. Did that guy seriously just ask her who she is? Is this a nice kind of want-to-get-to-know-you question or a bitchy who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are question? She wonders for a nanosecond if he's flirting with her, and dismisses it almost as quickly. Flirting with her? Really? Why would he be flirting with her? He's probably married with kids. Even though he's an asshole, he strikes her as the married-with-kids type of guy. And even if he were flirting with her, why would she care? She loves Derek. Who happens to be married and didn't pick her, but oh well. Love is love. It wasn't like she asked for it. He was supposed to be just another one-night stand. Have great sex and then never see him again. He wasn't supposed to be her boss, or her boyfriend, and definitely not the love of her life. But he is, so why should she care whether or not Dylan Young, asshole, is flirting with her? She doesn't even like him. She hates this guy—who she's known for all of like five minutes—with a passion.

"You a surgeon or something?" Young scrutinizes her face.

_Are you a surgeon?_ Who does this guy think he is? Does he think she's not qualified? Is he afraid she's going to accidentally set off the bomb or something? Asshole.

"Well? Who are you?" His tone is way too aggressive. Definitely not interested. "I'm Dr Grey," Meredith replies curtly. "I'm a surgical intern."

"And you are?" His gaze slides over to Cristina. It's obvious he thinks she shouldn't be here.

"Dr Yang, surgical intern." The contempt in Cristina's voice is obvious. She hates him, too. Young raises his eyebrows. "Two interns?" Cristina's glare could probably freeze Hell over. "Dr Shepherd told me that I could assist Dr Burke with the procedure."

"This is a bomb we're dealing with, Dr Yang, not some cool surgery," he says with an obvious air of superiority that makes Meredith want to slap him. She can see that Cristina wants to slap him too, or worse. "What are you saying?" the challenge in her voice is undeniable.

"I'm saying that I don't think you're treating this very seriously."

"You think I'm not treating this _seriously_?" _This guy has serious balls, _Meredith says to herself. _Cristina is seriously pissed._ "This is one of the most serious procedures that Seattle Grace will probably ever see. It's complicated and highly risky. I'm the best intern in the program and Dr Burke is going to need all the help he can get, so Dr Shepherd has reassigned me to his service. No offense," she adds quietly, looking at Meredith.

"None taken." Meredith can barely keep the smile off her face. The asshole is getting a taste of his own medicine.

Young gives Cristina a look that says he thinks she should probably go wait by the elevator, but says nothing, maybe because of the tongue-lashing he just received, but more likely because the door to OR3 looms large in front of them. "Burke's in there," Meredith says curtly.

Young nods. "Stay out here." Without another word, he heads in.

"Stay here?" Cristina splutters. "Who does he think he is?"

"An ass," Meredith replies. "I hate him."

"Stay here." Cristina shakes her head in disbelief. "And he thinks that I'm just in this for the surgery."

"Well, admit it, you are," Meredith can't help but tease, despite all the tension.

"Well, yes, but I wasn't about to tell him that, was I?" Cristina slides down the wall by the door. With a sigh, Meredith joins her, because, regardless of whether or not they hate Dylan Young the Asshole, there isn't anything else to do but wait.

* * *

><p>The hospital is in a state of silent panic. No one wants to admit that this could be it, that today could be their last day, but everyone is thinking it. They all work in silence, pretending everything is okay, trying not to alarm the patients. Derek sits by Tucker Jones' bed, because there's nowhere else for him to go. He has no other patients, and there are no new ones coming in. He has nobody to spend this day with either; Burke is upstairs with the bomb squad, Addison is delivering Bailey's baby, Mark is—well, Mark is out of the picture—and Meredith is upstairs, waiting with Cristina to help Burke with the surgery. So all he can do is sit here and wait. Wait for Tucker to wake up, wait for Meredith to come down, wait for Addison to be done.<p>

It's quiet in here. Too quiet. Normally, Derek likes these moments of peace and quiet, since it's so rare that he has a moment to himself, but today is not a day where he wants to be alone with his thoughts, because all he can think about is Meredith, and how she could die today and never know how he feels. Things are never going to work with him and Addison. He knows this. He's known it for a while. He can't love her. Not the way he loves Meredith. _If she survives,_ he tells himself,_ if _we_ survive this I'll tell her. I'll end it with Addison._ He half-heartedly wishes his pager will go off or something, so that he'd at least have something to do. Because sitting here is killing him.

"Derek?"

Addison is silhouetted in the doorway. She looks calm, but Derek knows her well enough to be able to pick up the slight indications that indicate she's barely holding it together: like the fact that her face is pale and tight, or that her hair, which is normally so immaculately groomed, falls loose around her face. Even in her distress, though she still manages to look beautiful, and he feels a stab of guilt for not being able to love her enough.

She crosses the room and sits in the empty chair beside him. "How's he doing?"

"He'll be fine when he wakes up."

Addison relaxes slightly. "Good."

"How's Bailey?"

There's a long silence. Derek studies her. Her face is still and impassive; she's considering the best way to answer this, which tells him that something's wrong. "She's refusing to give birth without her husband." There's a slightly accusing tone to her voice, as if this is all somehow his fault.

He knows enough about babies to know that this is not a good thing, but that doesn't make any of this his fault. "Even if he does wake up soon, Tucker's in no fit state to be with Bailey when she gives birth. She's going to have to do it without him." He can't help but let a slightly defensive note creep into his voice.

Addison shakes her head. "It's not so simple, Derek. This is a big deal for her and she wants her husband to be there for her. She's scared and she needs him."

"Well I can't magically make him better, Addison," Derek snaps. Addison flinches at his harsh tone. "I know it's hard, but Tucker's not going to be there. Bailey's strong. She'll get through this. She has you," he adds softly; he feels bad for snapping at her, but it's not like she didn't provoke him.

Addison sighs. "I know. I shouldn't have insinuated that it was your fault; you saved his life. It's just with the Code Black and everything…" She runs a hand through her hair, combing it out of her face in agitation.

"I know." Derek can feel the worry clench in the pit of his stomach, as he thinks about Meredith upstairs with that bomb, which could go off at any second. And now it's not only Meredith that he worries about. Bailey could kill herself and her baby.

"I'm going to have to take her to surgery in a few hours if she doesn't cooperate," Addison says quietly, as if reading his mind.

"Can you? Richard's closed off all the ORs."

"It's Bailey, Derek. I'll make an OR if I have to."

He nods. The chief will do anything to help Bailey. And Addison isn't going to let either of them die. "I should probably get back." She gets up quietly, but looks uncertainly at him, as if she expects him to ask her to stay. "You go," he says instead. "I'll let you know if there's any change." Her face falls slightly, but she nods and heads out.

Derek puts his head in his hands. There's nothing left to do now but wait.

* * *

><p>Meredith is back at the elevators again The bomb squad came out pretty quickly after they went in; they need X-Rays to see how big the thing is so that they can figure out how best to proceed to get it out without blowing everyone up. Burke told her and Cristina to wait, and then went off with to get the X-Rays. That was easily half an hour ago. They've got to have the X-Rays done by now.<p>

"Do you think they're done?" Cristina is the first one to have said anything since Young kicked them out.

"They must be." All this waiting is getting tiring. Meredith gets up; her legs cramping up from all this sitting. She's tired of sitting and waiting helplessly. She's a surgeon for God's sake.

"Where are you going?"

She turns, startled. She's been walking down the hallway, without even being aware of it. "I don't know. I need to stretch my legs."

"Good idea. We can check in with Burke on the way."

The OR wing seems eerily quiet. In all the time Meredith has been here, she's never seen it completely dead like it is now. It's unnerving.

"Is her hand shaking?"

She freezes. Cristina is peering into OR3. Meredith looks too; Hannah is all alone, her hand still in Carlson's chest, but with her other hand—which is trembling—she is ventilating.

"Oh my God," Cristina whispers. "It is!"

"Where's Milton?" The anesthesiologist should be here. Hannah shouldn't be in there by herself, much less ventilating. Having her hand in that guy's chest is stressful enough.

Cristina shakes her head and pushes the door open.

"Hannah? Are you okay?" Where's Dr Milton?" Meredith and Cristina crowd into the doorway, neither of them wanting to get too close. Hannah looks like she's trying very hard not to cry. Cristina's right, her hand is shaking, and despite the brave face she's putting on, Meredith knows she's terrified. Her hand is in some guy's chest, touching a homemade bomb that could go off at any second. Just the fact that she isn't panicking proves what an excellent paramedic she is going to make.

"He left." Hannah's voice trembles. "He didn't want to die, so he left" Selfish bastard. His life is important, but the patient's life is even more important. And he should know better than to leave someone like Hannah alone in a situation like this.

"You're okay, Hannah. You're not going to die. No one's going to die. Dr Burke is going to get that thing out and it's going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine," Meredith says, keeping her voice steady. It's easier for Hannah to believe her if she acts like she's perfectly calm.

"You're doing great, Hannah," Cristina adds. "The bomb squad is here; they know what to do. This thing is going to be out before you even know it." Hannah still looks uncertain. Meredith can see that they are losing her to the panic; she needs to try a different tactic.

"Your hand is keeping Mr Carlson alive," she continues. "You're saving his life. His wife is going to want to thank you personally when all this is done."

There's a moment of silence before Hannah takes a deep breath. "Right. I'm saving his life," she echoes, but somehow, she doesn't seem convinced. Meredith can see the fear in her eyes mixing with the uncertainty.

"Everything is going to be fine," Cristina moves closer to Hannah and gently slides her hand under Hannah's and begins to ventilate for her. "The bomb squad is figuring out how to get this thing out."

Nobody says anything for a minute, and Meredith breathes a sigh of relief. The crisis has momentarily been averted. Everything's going to be okay. She turns to Cristina, about to tell her that she's going to go and find Burke and tell him that they better hurry the hell up before thing's get even worse.

"No." The word comes out very quietly.

"What?" Both she and Cristina look at each other, unsure of what just happened. Slowly, she turns to look at Hannah, and can see that her eyes are squeezed shut. Meredith feels like she should say something, anything, but she can't bring herself to form the words. It's like her mind has gone blank. She knows what's going to happen now.

"No," Hannah repeats. "I'm too young to die. I'm not ready."

Meredith pushes down the panic welling in her chest. She has to do something. It may not do anything to help the situation, but she has to try. She promised Derek she would be okay; she has to try her damndest to keep that promise. "You're not going to die, Hannah."

"Don't worry, everything's going to be fine," Cristina says at the same time. Their voices rise, like an orchestra; suddenly they're all speaking at the same time: Meredith, Cristina, and Hannah. Meredith can feel the tension rising; it's stifling. "You need to go get Burke," she whispers to Cristina.

Cristina glances at her questioningly. She doesn't want to leave Meredith alone with Hannah, not when she's like this, and Meredith knows this. They're each other's people, they're supposed to look out for each other, but both of them are way out of their depth here and if someone doesn't go and get Burke soon, they won't need to look out for each other anymore. She nods slightly, as so not to alert Hannah. "I'll be fine. Go."

"No. It really needs to come out," Hannah is saying as Cristina slips out.

"Hannah." Meredith's voice is very quiet. She's moved to take Cristina's place, ventilating. "Hannah. I need you to listen to me." She stares at the young paramedic, needing her to look, to hang in there for another few minutes, just until Cristina comes back with Burke, but Hannah's eyes remain squeezed shut. "Hannah. Look at me. Look at me, Hannah!" she snaps. Hannah opens her eyes, startled. They are wide and terrified. "I know it's scary. I know Dr Milton probably said all these horrible things about bombs and dying, and he shouldn't have, but he was scared. We all are. And it's so much easier just to take your hand out and run away, Hannah. I know it is, because I'm thinking it too. But doing that won't make it easier. Your chances of dying are so much higher if you pull your hand out and run, Hannah; chances are you wouldn't even make it to the door. But if you keep it in there, if you hang on, there's a very good chance that you won't die, that you'll be okay. Dr Burke and the bomb squad are on their way, they're going to take that thing out and they're going to fix Mr Carlson. They know what they're doing, Hannah. You just need to hang in there a little bit longer."

"No!" Hannah's voice is rising; she's practically hysterical. "No, it needs to come out, it really needs to come out." She's chanting like it's some kind of mantra, eyes squeezed shut again, and Meredith knows she's going to get nowhere. She's not good at this stuff. Derek is, or Burke, but they're not here. And unless they get here now, Hannah's going to pull her hand out, and they'll probably all be dead.

_Cristina where are you?_

And in that moment of panic and desperation, her mind clears, the way it always is in a crisis. She's not frozen, she's not panicking, she's not praying for Cristina to come back anymore. She knows what she needs to do.


	3. Let Reality Come Crashing Down

Tucker hasn't woken up yet, but Derek doesn't expect him to yet. It was a tough surgery, and it'll probably be another little while before he's awake, and certainly not before Bailey gives birth.

Unsure of what to do and tired of sitting and waiting for Tucker to wake up, Derek wanders the halls. He's not the only one; lots of people wander, lost, wondering if this is it, if today is their last day. He spies Izzie and Alex disappearing into an on-call room together, but instead of making a bitter mental note of the latest coupling at Seattle grace, he remembers al the times that it was him and Meredith sneaking off in on-call rooms. His head is full of Meredith today. He thought walking would clear his head, that maybe moving around the hospital would give him something else to think about, people to talk to, but nothing there's nothing to distract him. He can't stop thinking about her. Now that this could be their last day, all these memories are beginning to resurface, like the way Izzie and George thought it was weird that he ate muesli very morning, or the time he kissed her for ten minutes in the stairwell after a particularly successful surgery. Even the small things, like how it felt to hold her hand, small and soft, or the smell of her hair, that fragrant, almost floral scent that he couldn't name. Remembering makes him miss her, and the missing is like a physical ache, like a piece of him has been ripped out.

The beeping of his pager is a welcome distraction, and jolts him back to the here and now. He's to report to the conference room. The Chief's finally decided to brief everyone on what the hell is going on, and maybe dole out some assignments, something to keep them busy. Derek fleetingly wonders if Meredith will be there, before remembering she's upstairs with Cristina, waiting to help Burke.

The conference room is packed. Derek has never realized how many people actually work in the surgical wing. And this isn't even everyone. None of the nurse's are here, with the exception of Debbie—who mans the nurse's station, and is considered the head nurse—and there are many more who work here nurses than there are surgeons. Residents, interns, attendings, and anaesthesiologists alike are all packed into the room. Derek spies Alex and Izzie huddled in one corner, looking ruffled, like they were just interrupted in the middle of something; both of them are searching the room, and he knows that they are furtively searching for their fellow interns. There are many familiar faces missing: Meredith, Burke, Cristina, George, Bailey. He hears his name being called softly; Addison is standing in the corner immediately to his left, probably so that she can sneak out if need be; he moves to stand beside her.

"How's Bailey?"

Addison grimaces. "I'm running out of ideas, Derek. O'Malley is with her now. How's Tucker?"

"Fine. He should be awake in a few hours." There's a brief silence as the both consider what the other has said. "I'm glad Richard's letting us know what's going on," Derek says finally.

"Mmm. Me too." Addison isn't paying attention to him. She must be thinking of Bailey, or maybe something else; her eyes are roaming the room, as if looking for someone.

A hush falls over the assembled surgeons as Richard Webber stands up. Derek doesn't like the grim look on his face; it means there isn't any good news, or that Richard has nothing to tell them. He begins to explain what has happened, but Derek isn't listening; he already got the story from Meredith. What he wants is an update.

There's a silence as Richard finishes speaking. Everyone needs a moment to let it all sink in. Who builds anti-aircraft rifles in their backyard? And who would be stupid enough to stand in front of one after it misfired?

"How's the girl with the bomb?" Derek asks, voicing the question that he's sure quite a few people are thinking.

"I don't know." The frustration in Richard's voice indicates that he hates not knowing as much as Derek, maybe even more; he is the Chief after all; this is his hospital. "I haven't been able to reach Dr Burke, but as soon as I do—"

Suddenly, the door flies open, dislodging several disgruntled residents, and Cristina comes tumbling in. Her face is too calm, she is too quiet, even as Izzie and Alex are shouting questions and everyone is beginning to talk at once, so Derek knows something has happened.

"How's the girl with the bomb?" Derek's question rings out above the others'.

The whole room falls silent. Everyone, Chief included, waits eagerly for her answer, but Cristina remains silent. It's like she hasn't heard.

"Dr Yang?" the Chief prods.

"Meredith." The word hangs in the silence.

The pit drops out of Derek's stomach.

"What?" Richard doesn't understand what Derek refuses to believe. Beside him, Addison tenses.

"The girl with the bomb is Meredith."

MOMENTS EARLIER….

_Cristina bursts into the X-Ray room, where Burke and Young are examining the films. They both freeze, mid-sentence, and stare at her, Burke mildly surprised, Young angry. _

_ "You need to come right away," she gasps, before either of them can say anything. "Hannah's panicking and she wants to pull her hand out, and we can't get her to calm down."_

_ "You—I thought I told you to stay out of there!" Young splutters, furious. "You went in there all on your own, and now she's panicking." _

_ "If we hadn't gone in there she would have pulled her hand out a long time ago," Cristina snaps, hardly able to believe that he would have the gall to blame it on them. "Dr Milton left," she explains, turning to Burke. "She was ventilating all by herself, and her hand was shaking. We were just walking by and we saw her." _

_ "Milton left?" Burke says, disbelieving. _

_ Cristina nods. "Meredith's still with her, but…" She doesn't want to finish the sentence. She can feel Burke watching her, his worried stare burns itself like a brand into her shoulder, but that doesn't matter. She doesn't want him to worry about her, she wants him to calm Hannah down and help Meredith. She wants him to save her person, because, as much as she loves Burke, if Meredith dies, she's not sure if she can love him. She's not sure if she can love anyone._

_ They've barely made it halfway down the hall when the door to OR 3 flies open. At first, Cristina thinks it's Meredith, come to see what's taking so long, and she's about to apologize, when she realizes that the woman has dark hair. Short, much shorter than Meredith's and it's in a ponytail. She's running the other way, towards the stairs. The pit drops out of Cristina's stomach. She feels sick. _

This isn't happening. This can't be happening.

_She's sprinting down the hall, Burke and Young on her heels. She's almost there, when she realizes, dimly, that everything is still intact, nothing has exploded. She can't understand why, until she bursts into the OR and sees Mr Carlson on the table. And freezes. _

_Meredith's hand is in Mr Carlson's chest._

"The girl with the bomb is Meredith."

Cristina's words echo in Derek's ears. He refuses to believe it; she must be mistaken. Meredith promised. She said she would be fine. But looking at Cristina's face, he knows it's true.

"What happened?" Izzie whispers, horrified.

Most of the others have left now; they all filed out after hearing the news about Meredith. Only Derek, Izzie, Addison, Alex, and the Chief are left.

"The paramedic panicked. We tried calming her down, but it wasn't working, so Meredith told me to go get Burke and the bomb squad, so I did and as I was coming back, the paramedic ran out of OR 3 and ran off, and we went in the OR and Meredith had her hand in Mr Carlson's chest." Cristina's voice is flat, toneless. She looks at Derek the whole time, like she's only telling the story to him, even though he's barely heard a word of what she's just said.

"Where's the paramedic?" As usual, Richard is taking charge, asking all the right questions.

"I-I don't know, sir."

"Well find out. Stevens, Karev, go and find out what's happened to her." Alex gets up and leaves silently; Izzie, somewhat reluctantly, follows.

How could this have happened? What kind of cosmic joke is this that when he finally decides to tell her how he feels, to sign those damn divorce papers, she's probably going to die?

Suddenly, Derek's disbelief disappears and is replaced by fury. How could she be so selfish? How could she have so little regard for life? How could she do this to Cristina? To him?

"Why?"

"Derek." Addison lays a cautionary hand on his arm, but it's too late. The words are coming out now; he feels nothing but anger.

"What in God's name would possess her to do something so stupid?"

"She was doing what's best for the patient. She's saving our lives." Cristina's flat tone is gone, she's become defensive; Derek can't believe it; she's taking Meredith's side, even now.

"She's committing suicide," Derek snaps. "She's not thinking about anybody other than herself. It's not her job to get herself killed, and she knows it."

"Derek," Addison says gently, "I'm sure she wasn't thinking about it. People act without thinking in times like these. Instinct—"

"Instinct doesn't tell you to stick your hand in a cavity containing a highly volatile explosive, Addison! That's not instinct, that's suicide!" Derek can't believe they are all backing her up on this.

"People have to make tough choices!" Cristina cries. "It's part of our job. Meredith knows the risks. She didn't think it was fair for someone as young as Hannah to waste her life trying to save someone who's no longer her patient. It was her choice, Shepherd. I don't get it, but I respect it. She's saving a life. She saved our lives."

"But what about her life?" Derek protests. "She's barely lived either! She's still got a whole life ahead of her!"

There's a moment of silence as his words sink in.

"Derek," Richard warns. He's being reminded that he is Meredith's boss; that he is married and that his wife is standing right beside him; that these sorts of relationships are unprofessional and not allowed, but he doesn't care. The love of his life has just become the girl with the bomb. That's all that matters.

"She wanted me to tell you—" Cristina takes a deep breath. Her voice is shaking; the only sign of how hard this really is on her. "She wanted me to tell you that if—if she—She wants you to be happy. She wants you to stay with Dr Montgomery-Shepherd and be happy." Before anyone can say anything else, she leaves.

There's a long, shocked silence. Richard and Addison are both watching Derek. After a long moment, Addison says softly, "I've got to go check on Miranda," and leaves. After another moment, Richard leaves as well. He holds the door open for Derek, but he can't move. All of the anger has disappeared as the reality hits him. Meredith is up there touching a bomb, a bomb that could explode at any second. It feels like someone has punched him in the gut. He can't breathe. He hears the door close behind Richard, but the noise sounds like it's coming from far away. He's sure he's being watched from the outside, but he doesn't care. He just sinks to the floor and lets the world come crashing down around him.

* * *

><p>Meredith can't believe it. She's touching a bomb, a real piece of live ammunition. She can feel it under her fingers; the hard, round contours feel cool underneath her gloved fingertips. She can feel Mr Carlson's heart, too, beating under her fingers.<p>

Everything happened so quickly. One minute she was trying to console Hannah, and the next…well, it seemed to happen in slow motion, like she knew what was going to happen before anything actually did. The next thing she knew, Hannah was pulling her hand out and Meredith was thinking…well, she didn't think. She wasn't even aware that it was happening. She just looked down, and all of a sudden, there's her hand in Mr Carlson's chest. And even though she may have given Cristina all that crap about Hannah being too young to die, the truth was Meredith Grey is too young to die too, and she knows it. Most of what she told Cristina was technically true, but it was more to try and convince Cristina and Derek—_oh God. Derek. What was he going to say?_—that she wasn't crazy or suicidal or anything. It was all stuff she'd thought of after the fact, when she was trying to rationalize what she had done.

The OR is quiet now. Cristina is still downstairs, taking to the Chief, and Burke and Young are outside discussing their options, probably trying not to scare Meredith, even though she doesn't frighten that easy. Neither of them was particularly pleased with what happened; Young did a lot of yelling about how stupid she was, most of which she ignored. Burke hadn't said much of anything, but he didn't need to: she knows that he thinks what she did was impulsive and rash; they all do. They don't get it; she doesn't even get it herself.

The silence is worse than the chaos, because in the silence there is no crisis, no screaming and shouting, which are where Meredith is in her element. In the silence, it's just her and her thoughts, and her thoughts are a scary place. She can deal with a major bleed, or a code, hell she can even deal with a bomb in a body cavity; they aren't scary, but her thoughts are a terrifying place, because it's there that the truth is exposed. She can't hide from her thoughts or lie to them the way she does to everyone else. Her thoughts are full of doubt and panic and denial and regret and Derek. Derek occupies most of her thoughts, and —strangely enough—her mother, a constant reminder of how she is a failure. Her mother wouldn't be surprised to see her here, stupid and failing. Ellis Grey never would have stuck her hand in a body cavity containing live ammunition. Hell, there would have been no one sticking their hands in a body cavity or panicking in Ellis Grey's OR either.

And what about Derek? Would he have done the same thing? No. He would have been able to calm Hannah down. He never would have left her alone with Milton in the first place. He would be responsible and persuasive and soothing. His McDreamy charm would be enough to calm anyone, especially someone like Hannah. If she thought Alex was hot, she'd be done for if she saw McDreamy. Derek would never even have to consider putting his hand in Mr Carlson's chest. Things like this don't happen to people like him.

She wonders how he's taking this. Cristina's probably told them by now. What is he thinking? Is he panicking? Is he in despair? Is he in shock? Is he angry? She meant to keep her promise. Well, she meant to try. She had known she wouldn't be able to keep it, not with the stupid feeling that keeps haunting her all day—a feeling that's probably going to end up becoming reality—but she intended to try. Derek doesn't understand why she did this; he'll probably be mad at her for being so stupid.

And what about the others? How are Izzie and Alex and George dealing with all this? Are they worried? Are they mad? What if they—

The OR door opens suddenly and Meredith starts, and her hand twitches. There's a moment of "Oh God this is it" but nothing happens. She's hoping that it might be Burke and Young, here to tell her that this they're going to fix Mr Carlson, but it's not: it's Cristina, looking appropriately grim. Meredith desperately wants to know what's happened, but at the same time, she doesn't want to ask. She's supposed to be over Derek, not desperately wanting to know how he's taken all of this. So to try and maintain that façade of being all emotionally detached and over Derek, she says nothing while Cristina assumes her position ventilating again. And remains silent while Cristina continues to ventilate.

"I told them," Cristina finally says. Her voice has taken on a very brusque almost aggressive quality. She sounds much more like her normal self; anyone listening to this conversation would think she wasn't affected by what had happened at all, but Meredith knows differently. She finds the tone infuriating, because it gives her no inkling as to how the news was received.

"And?" She can't stand the waiting.

"They took it pretty well actually. Everyone was shocked, but there were no tears or anything."

_Well that's good. Nothing big has happened, just Meredith Grey, the tragic intern that had her heart broken by the married attending. Everyone can go about their business. _

She wants to ask about Derek specifically, but she refuses to give Cristina the satisfaction of saying _I told you so_. She is over Derek. She really is. Well, she's really trying.

"Derek was angry."

"What?" Angry? Why was he angry? He wasn't the one stupid enough to put his hand in some guy's chest when he knew full well that there was an explosive device in there. He wasn't the one who was going to die.

"Yeah." Cristina seemed puzzled by it too. "He was really angry. Angrier than I've ever seen him."

Suddenly, Meredith feels a burst of frustration. He's angry with himself. Of course he is, because that's what Derek Shepherd does best. He blames himself for everything that isn't his fault and comes after you with those sad puppy dog eyes and all those apologies for things he has no control over. It makes her want to hit him, because those eyes, that face, makes her want to give in to him and say that everything is alright, and yet, at the same time, she wants to yell at him because none of this is his fault. Did he make her stick her hand in Mr Carlson's chest? No. That was all her. If it anyone's fault, it's her own for not thinking before acting.

"What were you thinking?"

The question hangs in the air. Meredith doesn't know what to say. She's tried to explain this to Cristina. She thought that Cristina understood.

"It's just that Derek seems to think that you've gone all suicidal and that that's why you put your hand in there." She nods at Mr Carlson's chest. "I stood up for you, said that that wasn't your intention at all, but I just wanted to make sure that I didn't do all that for nothing." There's an accusation in her eyes: _you're my person; you better not be doing this just because you're life sucks. _

"I'm not suicidal." _Derek thinks I'm suicidal? Is he angry at me because he thinks I'm trying to kill myself, or because he thinks that it's his fault I'm trying to kill myself? _

"I didn't think so. God, he's so full of it!" Cristina begins to ventilate with vehemence. "He thinks just because he picked his wife over you that you've now gone all suicidal."

Meredith doesn't say anything. Derek and Cristina hate each other passionately. This is nothing new. And the fact that Derek received this news from Cristina probably didn't help matters.

"What about the others?"

"Alex didn't say much. Izzie didn't believe it at first."

"And George?"

"He doesn't now. He was with Bailey." Right. In the midst of all the chaos, Meredith has completely forgotten about Bailey. "How's she doing?"

Cristina shrugs. "I don't know. That wasn't really the focus of the conversation."

"Right." Of course. No one's going to be thinking about Bailey when they've all just found out that Meredith is the bomb girl.

The door swings open, revealing Burke and Young. Their expressions are serious, which is no surprise given everyone's current situation. The interruption is a welcome one because neither Meredith nor Cristina knows what to say to each other anymore. They are normally so close, but in this moment, Meredith has never felt so far away.

"How are you doing, Meredith?" Burke asks. He seems to be telling her that it's okay to be sacred because of what has happened, but Meredith isn't afraid of dying or of touching a bomb. The initial disbelief and panic have worn off, leaving her strangely calm and almost empty. Let the others do the worrying for her.

"I'm fine. Really," she adds when Burke raises his eyebrows.

"So here's the plan," Young cuts in, obviously fed up with all the time being wasted. His voice is calm and authoritative, but at the same time, there's that gentleness, like he's talking to a frightened animal. "Dr Burke is going to make the incision bigger so that you can pull the ammunition out. Remember, it's highly volatile, so go slowly. Try to keep it level. Don't move your hand. Once it's out, I'll take the ammunition and put it away. Then you and Dr Burke can operate."

"Once the incision is made, you'll have to move relatively quickly or else he'll bleed out," Burke adds.

Meredith nods. "Okay. So pull it out slowly, but keep it level and don't move my hand, and not too slowly, otherwise he'll bleed out. Got it." She can do this. It sounds so simple when you say it out loud. It's like when they tell a patient what's going to happen: they make it sound like the plan is flawless, like they've done it a million times, even though they all know full well that every surgery is different. This time, though, everyone knows that these are uncharted waters here. None of them have ever delay with anything like this before. Any number of things could go wrong.

"We need to get a hold of the blueprints before we can do anything," Young continues. "We don't want to inadvertently blow up the hospital."

There's a long pause that follows, as the gravity of the situation sinks in yet again. Meredith knows there's nothing she can do anymore, which makes her want to scream; she hates just sitting here and doing nothing. She wishes Burke and Young would just take this damn thing out so she can help Burke operate and this can all be over. She needs to get out of here so that she can stop feeling helpless and so that she can explain to Derek what happened.

Cristina, who clears her throat slightly as if to remind everyone that she is here, breaks the silence. Everyone looks at her. The expression on Young's face reminds Meredith of the one she and Cristina often don when anyone walks in on them planning something; it's clear that in Young's eyes, Cristina is not included in this procedure.

"You have a question Dr Yang?" Burke asks calmly.

"Uh, yes, sir, I was just wondering if Dr Grey was going to be assisting us with the procedure on Mr Carlson?" Cristina's face is completely innocent, which makes Meredith think that she has noticed the expression on Young's face as well.

Young coughs, expressing his obvious displeasure at Cristina's assumption of inclusion. Burke surveys him calmly. It's obvious that Young expects Burke to deal with Cristina, and Meredith is sure Burke is aware of this as well.

"You'll have to wait outside," he finally says, seeing as Burke says nothing.

"What?" Cristina swivels to face him, outraged.

"You can help Dr Burke with his surgery, but you'll have to wait outside until then. We can't have the extra people in the room." There is no room for argument; Young's tone makes that clear.

Cristina looks pleadingly at Burke, and Meredith does too, expecting him to say something to Young but he says nothing. Frustrated, she turns to Meredith. "I'll be fine. Go." As much as she loves the company, the risk is too great; she won't take Cristina with her.

"Actually, we're going to need another X-Ray. Dr Grey's hand may be in a different spot than Hannah's was. I'll need Dr Yang to set that up for us."

Young frowns, but Meredith knows he won't disagree with Dr Burke. "Fine." Without another word, he strides out of the room as Burke quietly switches places with Cristina. Meredith is glad that he does; she doesn't want to have to breath for Mr Carlson too.

No sooner is he gone, does Cristina begin to berate him while she sets up the X-Ray.

"He has no right to make me leave. I'm a surgeon." She begins to pace back and forth like a caged tiger; Meredith isn't sure if Cristina is addressing her and Burke or if she's just talking to herself. "I'm a surgeon!

"There won't be time for me to help if I wait outside. Burke's going to need all the help he can get and he'll need it right away." She pauses, before rounding on Meredith. "I thought you'd stick up for me."

"We don't both of us need to be killed, Cristina," Meredith replies practically.

"We're not going to—He can't expect me to be useful if I'm waiting by the elevators!" She changes the subject, realizing that she's obviously not going to get anywhere with Meredith. "As if Burke's going to have time to page me once they've gotten that thing out."

Meredith can't help but smile. Cristina is going on, and on, pacing again, completely oblivious to the fact that Burke is standing right there, watching her. She is tempted to say something, but at the same time, she is really enjoying watching Cristina make a fool of herself.

"Cristina." Burke's voice, calm and steady, silences Cristina. Both she and Meredith watch him, waiting for the verdict. Cristina moves closer to him so that they are standing side-by-side.

"I can't do this with you in here." His voice is so quiet that Meredith can barely hear it, and she gets the impression that she's not meant to. "I can't—you need to go. You can help after; Dr Grey will page you, just–just wait."

Cristina doesn't say anything at first but her expression softens. "You know in those stories, how there's the hero and then there's the guy that runs away? I want you to be that guy." She glances at Meredith furtively. "I'll be waiting."

She almost makes it all the way out the door, but pauses in the doorway. "Burke…" They look at each other without saying anything, and Meredith can read the fear and longing in their eyes. She wishes she still had that. She wishes that Derek were here, that they could have that back again.

The door to the OR swings shut, ending their moment and jerking them all out of their wishful thinking and unspoken feelings. Meredith doesn't know what to say. She and Burke have never really been close. He's more Derek's friend.

_Are they even friends?_

She knows that Mark was his best friend before he moved to Seattle—but they don't talk to each other after what happened with Addison—but other than that, there really isn't anyone that he's friends with, except maybe the Chief and Burke. She and Burke may be in the same boat here, but there's no way she's going to talk to him about her and Derek. Especially not when Derek is married to Addison. She'll just have to keep it to herself. Besides, it doesn't matter what she thinks, or even what Burke thinks. Derek chose Addison. She begged and pleaded in a juvenile and highly embarrassing way, and he picked Addison. There is no her and Derek. She needs to accept that.

She's on her own.


	4. Dream A Little Dream Of Me

He's not sure which kills him more: the not knowing or the waiting.

At first, he paced the halls. After a while, he gave up and sat by the elevator bay like a lost puppy. Now he's hiding out in the attendings' lounge. He doesn't want to have to face Addison or Richard.

Part of him wishes Tucker's surgery would have taken longer or that he would have been admitted later, so that Derek would still be up in the OR. Being near her, knowing that he was in as much danger as she was, that would help. Having something to do would make the waiting bearable, but sitting here, doing nothing, just waiting, it kills him. He's a surgeon. He's used to being in command, used to walking into the OR knowing that he can cure the patient on the table. He's not used to feeling so helpless. He's not used to spending hours in the hospital with nothing to do. Truth is, Derek Shepherd doesn't know how to not be needed.

Despite everything that has happened between them, Derek wishes Mark was here. He'd know how to alleviate all this tension and worry; he'd be able to get Derek to loosen up and maybe not be obsessing about what could possibly happen to Meredith for five minutes. With Mark being so forcibly cut out of his life and Meredith not really speaking to him, there was nobody left for him to confide in. He and Burke were more like amiable co-workers than friends, and he and Richard…well that relationship was more professional than anything else.

The door opens, and Derek starts, having completely forgotten that there are other attendings at the hospital that make use of the lounge. Part of him hopes that it will be Burke, saying that everything is over, that it's all fine, and another part hopes that it will be Addison, so that he'll at least have the company of someone who knows him, but it's neither: it's Nelson, the other attending neurosurgeon.

Nelson crosses the room with an amiable smile and helps himself to a water bottle from the fridge. "How'd your surgery go?"

"Good," Derek replies quietly.

"Quite a day we're having, huh Shepherd?" Nelson chuckles to himself.

"Yeah." Derek wants to laugh with him at the absurdity of it all.

"Could be our last day on Earth, you know? I would have thought you and Dr Shepherd would have been using all this time to get...reacquainted." He grins suggestively.

"Dr Montgomery is with a patient," Derek replies curtly. He hates it when people refer to Addison as Dr Shepherd. _He's_ Dr Shepherd.

"Oh. So she's the one helping Miranda Bailey."

"Yes." There's an awkward silence. "Well, look after yourself Shep," Nelson says before heading out of the lounge.

Derek sits in his chair for a moment, seething. Shep. What does Nelson think he is, some kind of dog? He's Derek Shepherd, the world-renowned neurosurgeon for Christ's sake!

This is the kind of thing he and Mark would have laughed at. Mark would find it all hilarious, especially the bit about Addison. Hell, he'd probably be imagining it. Not that he needed to use his imagination.

The whole thing with Mark begged the question: why did Addison come back? Why didn't she stay in New York with Mark and her practice and all her friends? He isn't sure he buys this whole "I think you're the love of my life" story, and if that was true, why did she wait so long to come and find him? Why hadn't she come running right away, before he'd gotten involved with Meredith? He wishes she'd stayed in New York. He'd be so much happier if she'd just left him be. Since she's come back, everything has been more complicated, and a good night's sleep is a rarity. So is sex. Come to think of it, he hasn't been happy, truly happy, since that last morning with Meredith…

_Derek stretched out in bed. The sun was filtering through the partly closed blinds, casting tiger stripes of light over the room. He could hear the sounds of George and Izzie downstairs making breakfast, even though their alarms shouldn't have gone off yet. Maybe they were hoping to get out early, before he and Meredith got up, which was not something he'd complain about. _

_ Meredith was still asleep beside him. She slept with abadon, peaceaful and unencumbered. There were no complications in her life, no messiness. She was so lucky._

_ He caught sight of his phone lying on the bedside table, and thought fleetingly of Addison and all her calls, which he'd been ignoring. He wondered briefly what this could mean, but dismissed it as Meredith began to stir beside him. It was nothing. If he didn't answer, she'd stop calling. _

_ "Morning sleepyhead." He rolled over so that he was facing her, and propped hi head up on his fist. _

_ Meredith smiled that crumpled, sleepy smile of almost 5:30 A.M. "You're up early," she mumbled._

_ He chuckled. "So are you."_

_ Surprised, she rolled over to face him, now slightly more alert. "What time is it?"_

_ "Twenty-five after five. You could have had another five minutes." A slow wistful smilke crept across her face. "But since you're up…" Grinning, he rolled on top of her, knowing there was no need to finish his sentence. _

_Meredith smiled as he began to kss her cheek, her nose, her neck, slowly creeping down, down, pushing aside the collar of that sexy little Dartmouth shirt she always wore even though it was starting to get a little ratty. She let herself be indulged for a moment, before pushing gently on Derek's chest in a half-hearted attempt to get him off. He smiled as ked kissed her collarbone, and round to the other side of her neck. He would win this morning, he always did. In Meredith's world, sex trumped obligation._

_ "I need to go shower," Meredith protested, laughing, as Derek's lips brushed her jaw line._

_ "Mmm," Derek agreed with mock seriousness. "You have time. Lots and lots of time," he mumbled into her neck, slipping his hands up underneath her shirt. _

_ "Seriously!" Meredith giggled, pushing at his shoulders._

_ "I'm being serious." Derek's hands plucked at the waistband of her legging. "I'm very serious."_

_ "No you're—" He silenced her with a kiss: long, steamy and full of desire. He'd definitely win this one. _

_ The alarm sounded shrilly; their habitual 5:30 wake-up call. With one last groan of effort, Meredith sat up and pushed Derek off. "Five minutes are up," she announced. "Now I_ really_ need to go shower."_

_ Derek groaned and collapsed back onto the bed. Meredith laughed as she leaned in and kissed him. "Can I join you?" He tried one more time. _

_ "Don't you have an early surgery this morning?" Meredith asked as she disentangled herself from the blankets before getting out of bed. _

_ "Damn." Derek glanced at the clock on the bedside table. 5:32. He had to be in the OR in a little less than two and a half hours. "I can skip pre-op. They don't actually need me until eight…"_

_ Meredith laughed. "Nice try. Go have something to eat. Maybe if your surgery goes well we can celebrate." She winked, before heading off to the bathroom._

_ "You bet," Derek called after her. After this morning, he'd definitely be collecting. _

_ He lay in bed for another five minutes, listening to the faint sounds of the shower coming from down the hall. He thought briefly about joining her, but resisted. _

_ George and Izzie were gone—he'd heard the telltale slam of the front door a while ago—which meant that he and Meredith had the house to themselves. Just like when they'd first met. Derek chuckled as he remembered that first morning two months ago. Meredith's living room floor was actually quite comfortable. And her couch…_

_ Knowing Meredith would be a while in the shower, Derek took a little bit more time going about his morning routine, but not too much time; there was still that surgery to consider. He was halfway through a bowl of muesli when Meredith returned, still wearing her pyjamas and smelling strongly of her conditioner: that beautiful floral scent that he couldn't name. _

_ "You really should get going," Meredith chided. "You don't want to be late for your surgery."_

_ Derek set down his spoon. "I have some time," he replied with a suggestive grin._

_ Meredith laughed and pretended to shoo him away. "Go. I'll see you at work." She leaned in and kissed him; it was short and quick, practiced, like they'd be doing it every morning for the rest of their lives. Derek wouldn't mind spending the rest of his life like that. With her. _

_ "All right. I'm going," Derek got up from his chair, crossed to the front door, and pulled on his coat, ever mindful of the November chill. "But you can bet I'll be collecting."_

_ Meredith's laughter followed him out of the house…_

Derek fiddles with the band of his watch. They were so happy. He and Meredith were so happy, and now, they hardly speak to each other about anything not related to work, and that's only when they are working on something together. First Mark, now her, and he can't help but think that Addison is the common thread here. She slept with Mark; she showed up in Seattle and things with Meredith ended. Then again, he's also a common thread. If he hadn't worked so much, Addison wouldn't have had to sleep with Mark to fill the void left in his absence. If he hadn't ignored Addison's calls; if he'd thought more about divorce; if he'd been more honest with Meredith, maybe they would still be together.

Derek sighs. She has to make it She has to be okay. You can't feel so strongly about someone and not get to tell them how you feel.

The frustration is beginning to build again, so he stands up. She does not get to do this to him. She does not get to do this! Furious, he grabs the chair and throws it across the room. This cannot be happening. Derek rubs his face, all the anger draining out of him. He doesn't know what he'll do if she doesn't make it.

Sighing, he strides out of the room. He can't sit around anymore. He'll go check on Tucker and then see if Addison needs a hand.

* * *

><p>Time passes strangely for Meredith. She's sure it's been hours since Mr Carlson was admitted and they discovered the bomb, but it doesn't feel like it. It's like time has simply stopped; she has absolutely no sense of it passing at all. Cristina has been gone a while now, so there is nobody to talk to. Young came back with the blueprints, and he and Burke have been off somewhere looking at them for some time. Meredith feels as thought she is no longer part of any of this, but is watching it all unfold from the observation gallery instead.<p>

She wonders what Derek is doing now. Does he have other patients to look after, or is he just sitting by himself? She wonders how Bailey's husband is doing? And Bailey? How are they all doing? But mostly, she wonders about Derek. Not just what he's doing, but what things would have been like if Addison had never existed, if there had never been a Derek and Addison. Would they have gotten married; had kids? What would their life be like now? What would it be like twenty years from now?

Meredith has never really thought about her future before. She's never really envisioned herself having a family or getting married, or even falling in love. Did she want married in a church wearing a white dress, or would it be a simple thing at City Hall? How many children did she want and what would their names be? Boy or girl? Pets?

She and Derek never met each other's families or talked about them much, but she knew that he had four sisters and quite a few nieces and nephews, and he knew about her mother. Meredith wonders what Derek's family is like. Would they have gotten along? What would her mother have thought about Derek?

"Dr Grey!"

Meredith looks up and freezes. Derek Shepherd is standing right next to her, dressed in full surgical gear. She must be imagining this. Derek isn't here; he's downstairs. She's up here, all alone, touching a bomb.

"Dr Grey, if you're not going to pay attention, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the OR." There was a teasing note to Derek's tone; obviously, there is something she is missing.

"Right," she mumbled, looking down at the exposed brain in front of her. A subdural hematoma. Relatively simple to deal with; certainly a procedure both of them have done before. The patient is a teenage girl who had… Meredith can't remember why the girl is here; what caused her hematoma? She can't ask Derek, he's already teasing her for not paying attention. How did it happen? It was early this morning when Derek got the page…

"_What time is it?" Meredith mumbled, closing her eyes briefly and sinking back onto the pillows. _

_ "What? Are you tired?" Derek teased, rolling over. _

_ "No, I just wondered how much time is left before the alarm goes off…" Meredith doesn't want to admit it, but she is tired. As great as last night was…_

_ "It's six o'clock. I turned off the alarm last night, remember?"_

_ Meredith groaned. Six o'clock. She was going to have to get up soon or be late for work. _

_ "You _are_ tired!" Derek chuckled; Meredith's fatigue was obviously highly amusing to him. _

_ "So are you," she countered. "I haven't been having sex with myself all night."_

_ Derek pretended to pout. "That would be no fun."_

_ "No fun for you," she corrected. "_I'd_ be enjoying myself."_

_ Derek shook his head, grinning. "Well, since there's no point in going to sleep…" he broke off, rolling back on top of her and beginning kissing her neck. _

_ "Let's just skip work." Meredith was more than content to just stay here all day where it was warm, safe, and full of Derek. Work could be a scary place, what with Addison and the Chief..._

_ "Mmm," Derek mumbled into her neck. His hands and tongue roamed everywhere, making Meredith burn with desire. _

_ BEEP!_

_ Meredith wanted to scream as Derek's pager went off. With a sigh of frustration, Derek rolled off and snatched it up. "911. I have to go." Derek crawled out of bed and began pulling on clothes. _

_ Meredith combed a hand through her hair and tried not to scream. Things like this seemed to be happening way to often these days: they'd be in the on-call room, or the stairs, or the elevator, and someone's pager would go off. _

_ "Come with me." _

_ Some of the frustration dissipated as Meredith considered Derek's offer. Surgery was the next best thing. And if she did go, they could continue there they had left off when they had a spare moment…_

_ With a sigh, Meredith heaved herself out of bed and began routing around for clothes. May as well go. Cristina would probably be there, either in the skills lab or trolling for surgeries. Not only that, but this was obviously going to be a rare procedure; you didn't page the head of neurosurgery at six a.m. for a couple bleeders. _

_ "Did they say what it was?" Meredith tumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Derek was two travel mugs with fresh coffee. _

_ He shook his head. "Have some toast." _

_ "Toast?"_

_ "A healthy breakfast is the key to a successful day, Mer," Izzie chided from the stove, flipping pancakes like a pro. Meredith started, she hadn't noticed Izzie or George, who was sitting at the table with a large glass of orange juice and an empty plate that was obviously awaiting Izzie's pancakes. "You're obviously going to need all of your energy this morning," Izzie continued. "Looks like it may be a long surgery."_

_ Meredith glanced at Derek and raised her eyebrows. He said nothing, just glanced at the plate on the counter, bearing a small stack of buttered toast, indicating she should probably take one. She shouldn't even have asked Derek; he was a breakfast person, a habitual breakfast eater. To satisfy them all, she grabbed a piece and headed out the door, calling a hasty, "See you at work!" to Izzie and George as she went._

_ As soon as they got in the car, Meredith shoved the toast at Derek. _

_ "You really should eat." He frowned slightly, keeping his eyes on the road. _

_ "I don't do breakfast, Derek, and besides, I'm not hungry." Meredith didn't want to have this discussion._

_ With a sigh, Derek took a bite of toast. He looked for a moment as if he might say something, when Meredith's phone rang. _

_ "Where is Shepherd?" Cristina didn't even need to announce herself._

_ "Driving."_

_ "You're coming too?" Why did she even need to ask? Meredith wasn't the type to skip out on a cool surgery; Cristina of all people should understand this._

_ "Yeah. We're on our way." _

_ "Okay. Hurry up." Cristina hung up without another word. _

_ "Was that Cristina?" Derek asked. _

_ "Yeah." No one else would be calling her so early. _

_ They chatted about simple things for the rest of the ride: current news stories; the latest Sea Hawk scores; the weather forecast for the weekend. There was no talk of surgery, or friends, or Addison. It made Meredith forget that there was a big trauma coming in, that someone out there was dying. With Derek, it was so easy to pretend that everything was okay. _

_ Derek didn't park the car out front; he drove straight to the ER instead. It felt so weird to be entering the ER in ordinary clothes; it made Meredith feel like a patient and not a surgeon._

_ "What have we got?" Derek was all business. He looked like a surgeon, scrubs or no scrubs._

_ "Car crash." The ER nurse explained how the girl had unbuckled her seat belt to get something in the backseat, and had ended up pitching through the windshield. Cristina had taken her up to CT. _

_ "All right. I'll go upstairs and take a look. Oh, and Dr Grey and I need scrubs," he added. _

_ The nurse looked slightly put on the spot; it was obvious that she was busy._

_ "I'll get them," Meredith offered. _

_ Derek blinked, surprised. "You sure?"_

_ "Yeah. I'll meet you at CT."_

_ Derek smiled, and kissed her quickly. "Better hurry up, Dr Grey. You and I have unfinished business to attend to."_

Sex and surgery_, Meredith thought, as she headed off upstairs. The day wasn't shaping up to be so bad after all…_

The sound of the door opening snaps her back to reality. It's hard to keep her face neutral as she suppresses the crushing disappointment that reality brings. There is no subdural, no surgery and sex, just her and bomb that could go off at any moment.

Burke and Young are standing in the doorway, whispering to each other. Both of them keep looking at the floor and then at her. Something's wrong. As much as Meredith is trying to be happy and glass half full about this whole situation, she has a gut feeling that something is really wrong.

Meredith can't take it anymore.

"Stop it." Both of them look at her in surprise. "I'm not a patient."

"What?" Young frowns, confused.

"The two of you are looking at me like the way we look at patients, like I'm going to freak out at any minute. I'm not going to freak out, so whatever it is, just tell me straight out," Meredith explains, frustrated that they insist on keeping her in the dark.

Neither of them say anything for a minute. Finally, Burke turns and crosses the room towards her slowly, as if he is choosing his words wisely. "The main oxygen line runs directly under this room."

"Okay." Burke doesn't say anything; he just continues to look at her with that grim look on his face.

"Not okay." Meredith tries to remember to stay positive.

Still Burke doesn't say anything.

"Well?" Nobody says anything.

Meredith takes a deep breath. "I need one of you to tell me what this means exactly, because I think I know what it means, but I tend to be glass half empty these days, so I won't trust what I think it means, because what I think it means if that if the bomb were to explode over the oxygen line, the whole hospital could blow up. And that's just crazy, right?"

Their silence tells her everything she needs to know.


	5. Don't Let It Crush You

**A/N: So it's been a while since I added anything, but I've been trying to make this next chapter really good, since the last chapter was a little out there with all the dream sequences and stuff. Sorry if it was a little confusing. For this next chapter, I'm trying to focus more now on what's going on outside the OR, so there won't be any Mer in this.**

* * *

><p>There is no word from upstairs. Nobody has called or communicated with everyone down here for hours, which could mean anything. Everyone seems to be managing, creeping around nervously, trying—and failing—to act like nothing is wrong.<p>

Derek intended to go and see Addison and Bailey. He needed to find that distraction, but after checking on Tucker, he found himself back in the surgical waiting room, sitting in a chair like a lost puppy. He went to get himself a coffee after people started looking at him funny. The coffee now sits, cold and mostly untouched, on the coffee table, next to a stack of magazines meant to occupy family members waiting for their loved ones to come out of surgery. Derek considers them, but he knows he won't be able to focus enough to read any of them. He likes to read magazines—both medical and non-medical—but today, he's just not in the mood.

There's some kind of commotion at the nurses station. There are a couple fire fighters and some hospital staff milling around; from the sounds of it, they are all trying to get an update. Derek, in hopes of learning more too, heads over to join them.

One of the nurses turns and spots him approaching. "Dr Shepherd!" She sounds relieved that some figure of authority has presented itself.

"Olivia." Derek would recognize that red hair anywhere. What is it that the interns call her? It takes a moment before it comes to him: Syph-nurse. "What's everyone doing here?"

Olivia looks around uncomfortably. "It's the Chief, Dr Shepherd. He's—well he's a little stressed, and we're all wondering what's going on, but he's holed up in his office and won't leave. Maybe you could talk to him?" she suggests hopefully.

Derek sighs. "I'll see what I can do." May as well do something to pass the time.

Richard is sitting in the office chair—the one normally occupied by interns preoccupied with charting—looking particularly stressed. Derek can understand his anxiety. Richard hates not knowing even more than Derek because Richard is in charge; this is _his_ hospital. He's got people asking him questions he can't answer, he's got one of his best surgeons upstairs with a bomb being held in place by an intern, his protégée is refusing to give birth, and his top neurosurgeon is walking around the hospital like a ghost. Everything is spinning out of his control. As bad as Derek feels, Richard shares the same burden, perhaps more so. But his is a different kind of pain. Adele isn't the one touching the bomb; she's not ever here, whereas Meredith is up there….

Derek wonders fleetingly is there's a way he could get up there. He knows that Richard would never let him go up there without an excellent excuse, and he knows full well that no such excuse has presented itself and none will.

"Richard?"

Chief Webber looks up; Derek can see the tension on his face. "What is it, Derek?" He is weary, tired of people asking him questions to which he is forced to reply, "I don't know."

Derek sighs. There is no delicate way to approach this. He wants to tell Richard that the hospital needs him; that people want answers to their questions and that the Chief has to give them _something_, even if it isn't the truth, but he can't bring himself to do that. In all honesty, he has no right to tell the Chief how to deal with any of this; he's barely dealing with it himself. "Are you all right?" is what he says instead.

"Do I look all right to you, Derek?" Richard shakes his head. "The whole hospital is falling to pieces in front of my eyes." He lowers his head into his hands. "They don't teach you how to do this in medical school. They tell you the procedure, but they never teach you what to do."

"You're doing fine, Richard," Derek soothes. "Everyone knows that this is a stressful time, and that communication between you and everyone upstairs is not necessarily the top priority. They know you're doing your best. You just need to calm down."

Richard isn't comforted. "Do you know what's going on up there?" he asks quietly. Derek doesn't like the direction this conversation is taking. "Do you?" the Chief pushes, becoming more aggressive.

Derek doesn't say anything. He can't. He came here to give himself something to do, to help someone, to get away from all this, and yet, he seems to have fallen into it again. It's following him like his own personal black cloud; he can't seem to escape the calamity that is threatening this hospital. He doesn't want to know what is going on up there—he doesn't need more reason to worry about—but, at the same time, he can't walk away without an update. However horrible it may be, not knowing is worse.

"I have an evacuated OR, a bomb in a body cavity, a missing paramedic, an intern with her hand on the explosive, a word class surgeons in harm's way, a man on the table who may bleed out at any moment unless we get the bomb out of his chest, and my favourite resident in labour, who I've now been told refuses to push! And the head of the bomb squad had to be called down to be informed that the main oxygen line runs right under OR3!" the Chief yells, without waiting for Derek's response. "Not only do I have a bomb in an OR that could go off at any second, but now, if it does go off, the whole hospital goes with it! You really want to say to me know to calm down?"

It takes a moment for this information to sink in. Derek isn't sure what to say. This is huge news, huge and terrifying, but he isn't terrified. It's almost a relief. If Meredith goes, so does he. He doesn't have to worry about living without her.

It's like the fog on his mind has lifted. He can work, he can focus, because there are two options here: everyone lives or everyone dies. He doesn't need to worry as much about Meredith because they are now all in the same boat.

"It's going to be fine, Richard," Derek says quietly, trying his best to reassure the Chief. "The bomb squad knows what they're doing. I'm sure they won't do anything that could cause the whole hospital to blow up."

Richard rises from his chair slowly, as if a great weight is pressing down on his shoulders. "I just need to know as soon as they start moving."

Derek nods. "I'll make sure the nurses know."

"Chief Webber?"

Both men turn; Izzie and Alex are approaching, looking concerned. Derek can see on their faces: they want news. Now is not a good time, the Chief doesn't need any more questions. He's already stressed enough and doesn't need anyone looking for information he doesn't have. Thinking quickly and hoping to avoid a major catastrophe, Derek steps ahead of Richard and pulls Alex and Izzie aside.

"Dr Shepherd!" Izzie, surprised, addresses him the way you would a child that has done something wrong; she is admonishing him for interrupting her, or perhaps she is surprised he is intervening at all.

"Now is not a good time, Dr Stevens," Derek says quickly. "The Chief is very stressed out; he doesn't need people bothering him."

"We just want to know what's going on," Izzie replies, affronted.

"And the Chief doesn't know any more than you do at this point. He doesn't need you asking questions he can't answer."

"Why don't we let him decide that, Shepherd?" Alex's voice is harsh. "You're not his doctor. You don't get to make those calls."

"Are you his doctor, Karev?" Derek retorts. He can feel the anger building inside of him; can't they see he's trying to help? Can't they understand that he is wondering too? "You are an intern, and I am your superior. I may not be the Chief's doctor, but I have many more years of experience than you do, and so when I tell you to leave him alone, you should leave him alone!"

"Sorry for disrespecting you, _sir_," Karev snaps insolently, "but my friend is up there with a bomb that could kill us all. So forgive me if I want to know what the hell is going on!"

Were they not in such a stressful situation, Derek would have punched him. He was of half a mind to ban Karev from the OR for a month. "Do you think I don't want to know what's going on? Do you think I don't care what is happening up there? You think that none of this matters? I know we could all die today, Karev, don't think for a second that I don't." Karev opens his mouth, but Derek isn't finished. "I know that Meredith and Burke are up there. I know that they could die, and regardless of what you think, I do care about them. Dr Burke is my friend, and Meredith—Just because I chose Addison doesn't mean I don't care about what happens to Meredith."

Derek can see on Izzie's face that she gets it; she's got his secret all figured out. He's not surprised; Izzie's a real people person. Relationships are her thing, but her pity won't do anything to help the situation. Karev, on the other hand, doesn't seem so moved. "You can say care about Meredith all you want," he spits, "but we all know that if you'd really cared about her, you wouldn't have gone back to your cheating bitch of a wife."

This is the final straw. Without thinking, Derek lunges at Karev. He can hear Izzie's gasp, but it seems to come from very far away. This type of behaviour is out of character for him, but today is not any ordinary day, and there is no way that Karev is allowed to bad-mouth Derek's feelings towards Meredith, and Addison in the same sentence.

The fight is a surprisingly even one. Karev may have been the champion wrestler to Derek's band geek in high school, but Derek has anger on his side, and twenty years of friendship with Mark Sloan, which has given him a fair amount of experience in the art of beating the shit out of people. Mark Sloan is not stranger to barroom brawls, especially over women. Derek can feel the sting of Karev's fist colliding with his cheek, but the ache in his knuckles shows that his punches are finding their mark too. It feels so good to have a way to alleviate the tension, to let go; here if the relief Derek has been looking for.

"Stop!" Izzie's cry is ignored; both Derek and Alex are too focused on pummelling each other to pay attention.

"STOP!"

At the sound of the Chief's voice, both men break apart, nursing their wounds. It feels as though Derek is resurfacing after having spent a long time underwater.

Richard storms out of the office, looking formidable and terrifying. He, too, has been looking for an outlet through which to let loose all his tension, and Derek and Karev have just provided him with one. Izzie stands back, looking torn; it seems that she wants to run to Karev and make sure that he is all right, but at the same time, she is too afraid of the Chief's wrath to intervene.

"What the _hell_ do you think you to are doing?" Richard bellows. "Fighting in my hospital? Both of you should know better. Especially you, Derek. I have a million different things to be worrying about today what with the bomb in the OR, and Bailey in labour, do you really think I want to have to worry about whether or not my surgeons can _behave_ themselves?" Shaking his head in disgust, the Chief turns and marches away.

Derek feels a rush a shame. Not because he's been fighting, but because Richard is the one to catch him. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. The Chief isn't meant to witness these moments of failure and weakness. He's only supposed to be there when Derek succeeds.

Wanting to make it right, to explain the situation, Derek hurries after Richard. "Chief, I—" he breaks off as he catches sight of Richard. His friend is doubled over, sweating and short of breath.

"Richard?" Forgiveness is the last thing on Derek's mind now.

The Chief doesn't respond.

"Richard?" Derek repeats more firmly. "Someone get me a gurney!" he yells, guiding the Chief to the nurses' station; somewhere where he can sit down.

"Dr Shepherd?" Izzie appears at his side like a shadow. "Is-is he all right?" she asks, catching sight of the Chief's face.

"I think he's having a heart attack, Dr Stevens," he replies as calmly as he can. "We need to get him a room, get him looked after." Izzie nods, still waiting for instructions. "Go and call the Chief's wife."

"His wife?"

Derek pauses. This is a serious issue, maybe he should call Adele; he knows what to say to her "Actually, I'll do it. Stevens, get him to a room and page cardio. We're going to have to run some tests." Izzie nods and hurries off.

The phone at the nurses' station is unoccupied; as they wheel Richard away Derek picks it up and dials.

"Hello?" Adele's voice sounds tinny and far away.

"Adele? It's Derek."

"Derek? What are you doing calling me in the middle of the day? Are you having troubles with Addie again?"

Derek sighs. If only it were that simple. "Actually, Adele, I'm calling about Richard."

"Richard? I never thought you'd be the one calling me about him. Addie's normally the one on my side. What has he done now?"

Derek combs a hand through his hair. It's almost as bad as talking to her in person. "You'd better come down to the hospital, Adele. We think Richard is having a heart attack."

* * *

><p>It takes a while to get Richard settled. The test results are negative; no heart attack, just a panic attack. Richard is very anxious to get back to work, but Derek and Adele—who has been apprised of the whole situation—both refuse. He needs time to rest; Derek is not going to let him die. Not here. Not today.<p>

"Dr Shepherd?"

Derek looks up. George is coming around the corner. He looks worn out, and Derek remembers that he's been with Bailey all day.

He wants to say something to George. Something, anything, to find out how Meredith has been doing without him, but he can't seem to find the words. And why bother? It's no secret that George hates him.

"Dr Montgomery-Shepherd is looking for you." George doesn't look cold or indifferent today, but maybe it's because he's just too tired.

Addison is looking for him. This is a surprise. After what happened in the conference room, he didn't think she would have wanted to see him at all. He isn't about to complain; he now has a purpose, a reason to get up and do something.

"How's Bailey doing?" Derek asks as they walk.

"Not too good," George replies. "Dr Montgomery-Shepherd is running out of ideas. "

This is a surprise. It's rare that Addison doesn't know what to do. Part of Derek wants to ask George about it, but he's not sure that he'll learn anything more.

George can see that Derek is surprised. Most people would be; Addison is always in control. But with the bomb, and everything that's happened between her and Derek, he's not surprised. Derek didn't see Addison break down. Derek has no idea what he's done; that Addison can't take care of Bailey because of him. But George knows. He remembers it clearly: he was just coming out to seek advice on what to do with Bailey…

MOMENTS EARLIER:

_George leaves the room. He has to; he can't take seeing Bailey like this. There has to be some way to help her. Dr Montgomery-Shepherd should know what to do; this is her specialty after all. _

_ He finds her sitting outside on a gurney, knees drawn up to her chest, beating her fists against her forehead. She looks so vulnerable, so fragile. _

_ "Dr Montgomery-Shepherd?" _

_ She doesn't glance up as George addresses her. Tentatively, he moves closer; perhaps she didn't hear him. _

_ "What are we going to do? I mean about Dr Bailey," he continues, as Addison glances at him, eyes slightly bloodshot, as if she's been trying not to cry. "Can we drug her?"_

_ "Against her will?" Addison's voice is thick; George can tell she's been fighting tears. _

_ George considers trying to drug Bailey against her will. "No." He pauses. "Well…yes?" Addison sighs and turns away, already uninterested in what George has to say. "I mean, can't we force her to push?" he cries, desperately. "If…uh," George grasps at straws, "we declare her temporarily insane?"_

_ Addison laughs, a short humourless burst. "You want me to declare Miranda—Miranda Bailey—incompetent." She pauses, allowing them both to consider the absurdity of the situation. "Do you think that will help? Do you think that will make her more inclined, more comfortable giving birth?" _

_George shakes his head. "Well I don't know, that's why I'm asking—"_

"_Do you think I'm not doing everything I can to help her?" Addison interrupts. "Do you think I'm out here because I'm lazy; because I need a little me time?"_

"_Well, no," George replies hastily, "I'm just asking."_

"_Stop asking!" Addison snaps. "Because no matter what you ask, the answer is I don't know. I'm doing everything I can—everything—" she smacks the gurney with her fist for emphasis. George has never seen her so angry before. "Miranda Bailey's husband just had brain surgery—serious brain surgery from which he could never recover—and there's not a lot I can say to comfort her right now because there's not a lot anyone can say to comfort me. I'm doing my best. Dr Bailey is doing her best. And I need you to do your best instead of standing here asking me the world's stupidest questions!" The dam has burst; everything is spilling out now whether Addison wants it to or not. George opens his mouth to say something comforting, but Addison doesn't let him. "Do you think I like not knowing the answers? Do you think I want to let one of my close friends lose her baby? No. No I don't. But I can't make her do anything. She's afraid, O'Malley, afraid of doing this without her husband. And I am too. My husband…well God only knows where he is." Addison combs her hands through her hair desperately. "I don't know where he is, O'Malley, and that's all I can think about. We could die today, and it makes me sick to my stomach, thinking about my husband in that OR. What would have happened if he were still there? When he got out, I was so relieved, I thought it would be fine, but he doesn't even talk to me. All he can think about is Meredith, and everyone knows it." She's gasping, practically in tears, holding onto her long, auburn hair like it's a lifeline. "So, no, O'Malley, I don't know what to do." With that, she drops her head in her hands._

_ George doesn't know what to say. Addison is the expert; she's the only one who can help Bailey. And the only one who can help Addison is…Derek. _

_ George sets off, leaving Addison alone. He needs to find Shepherd._

* * *

><p>Addison is curled on a gurney, head in hands.<p>

"Dr Montgomery-Shepherd?" George's voice is timid, tentative.

Addison looks up slowly. Derek is surprised; it looks like she's been crying. Je can see the shock registering on her face as she sees him. "Derek?" Her voice is disbelieving, like he's a ghost she's been waiting to see for years. He can feel the confusion spreading. Didn't she call for him?

"Didn't you—"

"Dr Shepherd was looking for you," George interrupts, glaring at Derek, who begins to understand: this is all George's idea.

"I-I was wondering how you were holding out," Derek says quickly, playing along.

Addison is not sure she believes him; this much is visible on her face. She has every right to: to him at least, it's obvious that he's lying.

George, probably hoping to give them some privacy, heads back in to check on Bailey. Part of Derek wishes that he would stay; he's not sure that he can lie to Addison when they're alone. But at the same time, he owes it to them to pretend, if only for a little while longer. Addison deserves someone here for her now. The least he can do is be that someone, before he becomes the someone who tears her world to pieces.

There's a moment of tense, awkward silence; Addison is still wondering if she buys the lie, while Derek prays that she won't turn him away. He needs her now as much as she needs him. "Addie…" He wants to tell her how much he needs her, how much he needs someone. He can't finish his sentence, however, because Addison falls into his arms, clutching at him like she's trying to make sure he's real.

"Thank you," she whispers. "Thank you." Derek isn't sure what she's thanking him for, but he holds her anyways. He knows that he can't do anything to shatter the illusion; Addison wants to believe what he is telling her, and he knows the feeling: she's hoping that if she tries hard enough, this façade will become reality. He used to wish for the same thing, but he can't anymore. Not when he feels so strongly for Meredith. Still, he rubs her back, letting her hold on as long as she needs.

"I was so worried," Addison whispers. "I thought you were…" She trails off, but Derek knows what she was going to say: she thought he might try and go see Meredith; that he might get himself killed.

"How's Bailey?" Addison probably doesn't know any more than George, but Derek needs something else to talk about.

Addison sighs. "If I don't do something soon, she's going to lose the baby. Richard won't let me use an OR; if I have nowhere to operate…" she trails off. "You haven't seen him have you, Derek? Richard?"

Now it's Derek's turn to sigh. "Richard had a panic attack, Addie. Adele's here looking after him."

"Oh my God." She raises a hand to cover her mouth. As surgeons, they should expect this, they deal with these kinds of things all the time, but it's so different when it's one of your own. "Poor Richard."

There's a long silence. Everything that has happened with Richard and with Meredith has really put their mortality into perspective. As powerful as he may feel when he's in the OR holding a scalpel, ready to save a life, Derek isn't a god. He can't save everyone. Richard is fine now, but next time…and then there's Meredith. The one person that Derek wants more than anything is the one person he knows he can't save. It's all up to her.

"Do you want me to go and talk to her? Bailey, I mean," Derek adds, seeing the look on Addison's face. She'd obviously been thinking he wasn't talking about Bailey. He wants to laugh; it's the first time in a long time that he and Addison have been thinking about the same thing. It's ironic that the one thing their both thinking about is the one thing that's driving them further and further apart.

Addison rakes a hand through her hair. "I suppose. I don't know what else to do at this point."

This is hard for her. Derek can see that. Hoping to comfort her, he reaches out and rubs her arm. "It'll be fine, Addie. Nobody's going to die."

"I hope for Bailey's sake you're right." She brushes past Derek and into the room.

Derek knows he should follow her. He's just agreed to talk to Bailey, and it's clear that Addie is desperate for help in any form, but he doesn't want to be the one who swoops in and saves the day either. If anyone gets the glory today, it's not him. Addie deserves this.

Still, there's not point in standing in the hallway all by himself. Sighing, Derek pushes open the door.

It's not a pretty sight. Bailey is curled over the edge of the bed, hands closed in fists, eyes squeezed shut. George hovers behind her, trying to help, but unsure of what to do. Addison is at the foot of the bed, looking like she's trying very hard not to scream and rip her hair out. "Miranda, I need you to listen to me," she's saying. "You need to push. This baby has got to come out."

Bailey shakes her head resolutely. "I want to go home." It almost sounds like she is whimpering. "I want to go home."

Derek can't stand and watch anymore, it's heartbreaking. "Bailey," he says quietly, coming up behind her. "Tucker's going to be OK. He's fine. I know it's scary trying to do this without him, but you need to be strong."

"Dr Shepherd?" Bailey mumbles, confused. "What-what are you doing here?"

"I know you're scared, Bailey," Derek repeats, ignoring the question, "but you need to push, okay? You're not alone; we're here with you."

Again, Bailey shakes her head. "I'm not doing this today I'm not doing it without…Tucker!" That last turns into a cry as another contraction grips her.

Derek can't do this. He can't watch Bailey suffer like this, not when he promised tucker he'd take care of her. He grips Bailey's shoulders, holding her close. "Tucker's fine, Bailey. He's asleep now—he's very tired—but he was awake and he's fine. He'll be able to see the baby as soon as he wakes up."

"Derek—" Addison begins, but he silences her with a look.

"Tucker's awake?" Bailey looks like a blind man granted sight; here is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Derek nods encouragingly. "He's sleeping now, but he was awake. Brain surgery is exhausting. But I'm sure—"

"Dr Shepherd?" Addison cuts in. "Could I have a word?"

Derek glanced at George, who nods. He's got the situation under control.

"What were you _thinking_?" Addison bursts out as soon as they are out of the room. "You told Bailey her husband was _awake_?"

"Addie—" Derek tries to explain. Can't she understand the situation?

"We don't even know if Tucker's going to make it!" she cries, cutting him off. "How are you going to explain it to Bailey if he dies?"

He sighs. "It's unlikely that he's going to die, Addison. And even if he does," he continues, as she opens her mouth to protest, "Bailey needs something. If she loses her husband and her baby, she'll never forgive herself. I don't want her to lose the baby."

"Neither do I! Do you think this is easy for me, Derek? Do you think I like watching Miranda Bailey suffer? I'm trying to do my job here too."

"He'll be awake by the time the baby is born, Addison. You're overacting. It was nothing. She's never going to know."

"I'm not overreacting!" Derek hasn't seen Addison this angry in a while. She looks like she wants to hit him. "You lied to my patient, Derek. That's a big deal."

"Well, it's not like you were doing anything to help her either!" Derek snaps. "You were the one that was out on the gurney having a breakdown because you didn't know what to do."

"I'm not the only one having a breakdown," she retorts frostily. "Don't think I haven't noticed you roaming around the halls all day."

"I don't have a scared woman in labour who needs my help! I—"

"Do you think I wanted to be out on that gurney? Do you think I wouldn't rather have been in there helping Bailey?" Addison interrupts, practically in tears. "I was out there because I was worried about _you_, Derek. You've been gone all day, lost and broken because Meredith is up there with that bomb! I see the way you look at her when you think I'm not watching you, Derek, and I know that if it was me up there, you wouldn't care nearly as much."

"This isn't about Meredith! This is about Bailey!" Derek shouts. "This is about the fact that George had to come and find me because he knew that Bailey needed help and that you were too emotionally unstable to give it to her!"

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Derek regrets them. That was too harsh; he can see the shock on Addison's face too. He watns to apologize, but somehow, it feels as if that will do more harm than good.

Addison laughs darkly. "I should have known you didn't come of your own accord. The great Derek Shepherd doesn't have time for anyone but himself."

"Addie—" He can't believe that she is saying these things, that she thinks he's so selfish. If he were, he wouldn't have come to help her; if he was, he wouldn't have tried to make their marriage work.

"Just go, Derek," she says bitterly; she's still fighting back the tears. "You've done enough." With that, she turns away and storms back into Bailey's room.

Derek watches her go. Their confrontation was ugly, but it isn't the first, and it won't be the last.

With a sigh, he heads off to check on the Chief. As he goes, he resigns himself to the fact that they can no longer deny: this marriage is over.


	6. Hope for the Hopeless

**A little challenge for all of you: Derek meets a certain someone from his future in this chapter. Think you know who it is? Put it in your review. I'll let you know in the next chapter!**

* * *

><p>Death is something that Meredith deals with every day, and yet it is so much more different when you are the one facing death. You never think it's going to be you until it is, and even then, you don't really believe it.<p>

They're going to move. That's the brilliant solution Dylan Young has come up with. Meredith isn't allowed to even wiggle her fingers because she could blow up the hospital, and yet they're going to roll the gurney down the hall like it's nothing? They're crazy. Young is crazy for suggesting it, Burke for going along with it, and she is the craziest of them all. She's the one touching the bomb, after all. And it's not like with Hannah, where she didn't know what she was getting into; Meredith knew exactly what was going on. What kind of person does that? What kind of person sticks their hand in a body cavity containing a bomb? Maybe she is depressed. Maybe that's what this is: Derek's rejection has made her suicidal. Somehow, though she doesn't think this is true. After what happened to her mother all those years ago, Meredith looks at suicide differently. Besides, Derek and Addison don't look so happy these days; there's hardly any reason for her to be depressed anymore.

"You ready, Dr Grey?"

Young is standing in the doorway with two other members of his team. Meredith has a flashback to this morning, when Burke was asking her if she was ready to scrub in. If only she had said no. If only she hadn't been so determined to get the biggest surgery. If she wasn't so damn competitive, she never would have found herself in this situation. Now, however, there is nothing to do but nod. "Let's get this over with."

They creep along, inching out of the room and into the hallway. Nobody says anything, no one dares. The only sound is the sound of the wheels rolling along the ground, accompanied by their footsteps. It's as if speaking will cause the bomb to go off, like if they keep in silence, they will make it. Meredith can't take it. She can practically hear time ticking in her head; the seconds of her life's clock bouncing around like ping pong balls.

They inch past the door of OR 2. Here is where Derek performed a craniotomy on Bailey's husband this morning. _Was it really such a short time ago?_ Meredith marvels. It feels like years have passed since then. What would have happened if Derek's surgery hadn't wrapped up so quickly, or if Tucker's accident had happened later? What if he'd still been in there now? Meredith doesn't want to think about all the terrifying what-ifs. Her consolation in all of this is that Derek and the others are safe; they won't be blown to smithereens if this thing goes off. She doesn't even want to imagine what it would be like knowing he was in harm's way. _If I make it out alive,_ she promises herself,_ I'll tell him the truth. I can't do this alone. I need him. _

"You're doing great," Young encourages.

"Let's go over it again," Meredith replies quickly. She doesn't need his praise; she needs to take her mind off Derek and what could possibly happen if she doesn't make it out of this alive. They have a plan; if she can only remind herself what it is, if she knows it back to front, then nothing can go wrong. She tries to stay calm, but the slight tremor in her voice betrays her a little.

"The device is shaped like a rocket. It's about eight inches long. I'm going to have a team in place, Dr Burke's going to have a team in place. I'm going to ask you to take the hand that you have in Mr Carlson and wrap it around the device." Young's face is infuriatingly impassive. If he's worried, it's impossible to tell.

"And pull it out." Meredith takes a breath. _It's simple. Wrap your hand around it and pull it out. Easy. You can do this. _

"Level," Young says sharply. "Pull it out while keeping it level."

_Right. Keep it level, or everyone goes boom. _

There's a brief moment of silence, in which Meredith's mind begins to wander again. How is she going to tell Derek how she really feels? She's never been the type to ask for help, so how is supposed the love of life that she can't live without him? Then again, telling Derek the truth will be a walk in the park compared to everything else that's happened today.

But what if he's still in love with Addison? What was she thinking, telling Cristina to tell him that if she died he should stay with Addison and be happy? She does want him to be happy, but it isn't her place to go around telling her ex-boyfriend to be happy when she's dead. He's got a wife, and it's not her.

"You know I don't like you very much." Meredith needs to distract herself again. Sure, it may not be the most polite thing to say to Dylan Young, but under these circumstances, anything goes. Besides, if they're both going to die, they should at least know how they feel about each other.

"I don't like you either," Young's tone is anything but friendly.

_Well at least that's one thing we have in common,_ Meredith thought drily. Despite having just confessed to not liking him, she wants to know more about Young. Is he married? Does he have kids? Does he want any? She's not normally such a curious person, but there's nothing else to do other than think about Derek, which is not a good thing to be doing now. She can't afford to be distracted, and thoughts of Derek Shepherd do not help her to focus at all.

"What are you doing?"

It takes everything Meredith has to keep from jumping three feet into the air. Cristina is standing in the hall in front of them, eyes wide. Meredith has completely forgotten that she is still here, that she has been sitting by the elevators the whole time, waiting for them all to come and get her. She fights the urge to scream at Cristina to run away, to go downstairs and stay there until this is all over, because she knows that, were she in Cristina's position, she would hate sitting around doing nothing too.

"Stop. Stop right where you are." Young is livid. Cristina has no idea of what everyone else knows: that she very nearly caused this whole thing to explode. Had Meredith not been able to stop herself from reacting, had someone stopped short in surprise…well it would have been all over.

"What are you doing?" Cristina repeats angrily. She is reacting the same way Meredith did when she first heard of the plan to move. She doesn't know about the oxygen line. All she knows is that they're trying to move the bomb, and in her eyes, that's an incredibly stupid idea. It is a stupid idea, but it's smarter than the alternative.

"I thought Dr Burke told you to leave," Young snaps. He obviously wishes he had more authority in this situation, so that he could just send Cristina downstairs and never have to see her again.

Cristina ignores him. She has eyes only for Meredith

"We have to move," Meredith explains quickly, hoping to avoid a major blow-up between Cristina and Young. Part of her is incredibly relieved that Cristina is here; she has someone else to talk to, someone who understands her. "The other OR was over top of the main oxygen line, so we have to move to another OR, you know, in case we blow up."

"Oh." Cristina's voice is quiet, the implications of what would have happened had they not moved sinking in.

"I distinctly remember him telling you to leave," Young repeats sharply.

"Where is he?" Cristina sounds so desperate, and Meredith understands exactly how she feels. "He's prepping the OR."

"Then he'll never know, will he?" Cristina says dejectedly.

Meredith sighs and looks away. She knows what Cristina is talking about. It's the same way with her and Derek. If this whole thing goes boom, he'll never know.

"You stay over there." Young points with his eyes, not daring to take his hands off the gurney.

Obediently, Cristina steps to the side. "You stay over there," Young repeats, before turning to Meredith. "You ready?" She nods, and the procession begins to move again.

"Tell me something," Meredith implores of Cristina. She needs something to distract herself, and so far, attempting to converse with Young is not doing the trick.

"What?" Cristina looks at her like she's got three heads. Meredith knows what she's thinking: _what could there be to talk about on a day like today_?

"Cristina, I have my hand on a bomb. I'm freaking out. And most importantly, I really have to pee. So tell me something. Anything. Just tell me something." _Please, please, please take my mind off of everything._

There is a brief silence as Cristina ponders what to say. Finally, just as Meredith thinks that she's going to say nothing, she speaks. "He told me he loved me." Meredith can't believe it. Burke told Cristina he loves her? "Last night," Cristina continues, before Meredith can say anything. "He thought I was asleep, but I wasn't; I heard the whole thing."

Meredith can feel the smile spreading across her face. "Burke loves you." This is good, this is just the kind of distraction she needs: someone else's love life to focus on rather than her own depressing, miserable excuse of one.

"Yeah," Cristina repeats faintly. Love is a big deal to her, which Meredith understands. It's a big deal to her too. "Mind your own business," Cristina snaps at Young, who has been watching the exchange with a slightly amused and surprised expression on his face. He clearly thinks Cristina is not Burke's type.

"Burke loves you," Meredith repeats, trying to be all shiny and happy on the outside, while secretly feeling the unfairness of it all. How come Cristina gets her happy ending and Meredith doesn't?

"Yeah." Cristina sighs. "Everyone has their problems."

Meredith isn't quite sure how to interpret this. "Well, are you going to say it back?"

"Of course not!" Cristina exclaims, as if Meredith has just suggested she stick her hand in Mr Carlson's chest instead. "He didn't say it to me, he said it to the sleeping me! Reciprocity is not required. Besides, he might blow up," she adds, a hint of tears creeping into her voice, betraying her true feelings.

"Excellent point." Meredith cannot deny the truth in this. Why worry yourself about telling the truth to someone who probably won't live to see tomorrow. If he survives, Cristina can worry about telling him, but for now, they don't know.

Cristina is nodding, glad that Meredith is agreeing with her on this, when suddenly, the gurney hits a bump.

Everyone freezes. Nobody even dares to breathe; they're all waiting for the bomb to go off, for the end to come. Meredith's heart stops for a fraction of a second, and she braces herself for the blow that doesn't come. They're fine. The bomb didn't go off. They're okay. Meredith let's out the breath she didn't know she was holding. It was just a lip in the floor. Everything is going to be fine.

Young takes a deep breath. "All right everybody. Let's just put one foot in front of the other. Nice and slow. "

Meredith closes her eyes, Young's voice falling away. She can't help thinking about what Cristina said. Burke told her he loved her, last night, while they were sleeping. Meredith can't remember the last time Derek told her he loved her. Come to think of it, she can't even remember the last time they kissed. She talked to Cristina about it this morning, and, in all the hoo-ha, has completely forgotten all about that conversation. Now that she's remembered though, she can't get the thought off her mind. She can remember their first kiss, and many others in between, but the last kiss is...well she doesn't know what it is. It's just not there. Like she said to Cristina this morning: you never know it's going to be your last kiss. You think you can last forever, and then suddenly, everything is gone and you can't remember the last time that you kissed.

Meredith desperately wants to know. If she dies today without remembering their last kiss…well she doesn't know what will happen. She wished she hadn't been so cocky, hadn't assumed that after all these year of a shitty life, fate would suddenly deal her a good hand. She should have known better, because now she could very well die, and then she'd never know. _If I survive,_ she promises herself,_ I'll ask Derek if he remembers. And if he doesn't know, well, then I'll kiss him regardless so that I'll know to remember it as our last._

Thinking of all of this makes Meredith realize that Cristina needs to tell Burke she loves him. Now may not be the best timing, but if he dies before she gets to tell him, she'll never forgive herself. Meredith knows this all too well; if she'd treasured every moment she and Derek had had together, she wouldn't be here wondering what their last kiss had been and wishing to God that she could remember before it was too late.

"Meredith we're almost there." Young, thinking she is having some kind of panic attack, tries his best to be soothing.

Meredith takes a deep breath. "Okay." She is going to make it. She is going to find Derek and everything is going to be okay.

"We're almost there. Nice and easy. You ready?"

Meredith nods. She has to do this. They have to get this thing out before she goes crazy. She needs to find Derek. "Okay."

"All right, let's go. Nice and slow." And with that, they begin to move, slowly, all of them dreading the possibility of death in their near future. Cristina's face is expressionless.

There is a moment of terror and anticipation as the front wheels of the gurney pop over the bump in the floor, but everyone lets out a breath of relief when nothing happens.

"You had to say you were going to die today," Cristina whispers sadly as the gurney wheels away from her.

Meredith simply raises one eyebrow in a _what did you expect_ kind of way. "I told you," she replies, and they hold each other's gaze for a moment before the gurney moves too far down the hall and Cristina disappears from view. It's only then that Meredith remembers she should have told Cristina to make her confession to Burke. _Another reason we have to live through this I suppose._

* * *

><p>Derek is back to not knowing what to do. Izzie and Alex are in charge of the Chief; he trusts that they can look after Richard, who is going to be fine. He's much better now that he's had some rest, and Lord knows Adele isn't going to let him go anywhere until he is one hundred percent better. Derek doesn't want to hang around; he doesn't want Adele fussing over him, or Richard lecturing him, but most of all, he doesn't want to have to face Karev. He's not sure he can look suppress the urge the beat the shit out of him that he gets every time he sees Karev's face, and the last thing the Chief needs today is more fighting. He'd love to be with Bailey, either trying to help or just being there for her, but after the fight he had with Addie, well it's just not possible. Besides, Bailey doesn't need the extra people crowding in the room trying to pressure her into having this baby.<p>

The truth is, Derek really wants to be with Meredith. He wants to be up there with her, drinking in the beauty of that face, telling her that everything is going to be OK. He knows she's not freaking out up there; she is always calm in the face of a crisis. She can handle this, and—though it's hard for him—he's doing his best to handle it too, but if she dies...well he can't handle that, not after the way things ended between them. Their last kiss was nothing, just a quick peck, the kind married couples exchanged every morning because they knew that they had forever to exchange real kisses. He wants—needs—to kiss her—really kiss her, the kind of passionate kiss that leaves you breathless and weak in the knees—one more time before she goes.

His pager goes off suddenly. It must be Tucker; Derek has no other patients, Richard should be fine, and there are no incoming traumas. _Please don't be dead,_ Derek whispers to himself as he hurries off towards Tucker's room. _I can't face Addison if she's right. And Bailey can't make it without you. I promised you I'd take care of you for her, so don't you dare die on me._

"You paged?" Derek asks the nurse outside Tucker's room. She's not someone he's familiar with, bus she's very pretty: long dark curls, sparkling eyes. It's a shame Derek barely notices beautiful women anymore; otherwise he might have made an effort to learn her name. She nods, smiling that smile that he gets all the time, the _I think you're really hot _smile. "Mr Jones is awake, Dr Shepherd."

_Tucker is awake? This is good. This is really good._ Were it not so important that he check on his patient, Derek might have hugged her. He has a reason to go back and see Bailey, to try and mend fences with Addison.

"How are you feeling, Mr Jones?" Tucker blinks groggily, and looks around, confused. He tries to speak, but he has obvious difficulty forming the words. This is no surprise, given that he just underwent major brain surgery. "What—what happened?" he finally mumbles.

"You were in a car accident, Mr Jones. There was some bleeding in your brain, and we had to rush you to surgery, but it was successful. You're at Seattle Grace Hospital. I'm Dr Shepherd," Derek explains, while examining Tucker's pupils.

It appears as though the mention of the hospital causes a light to go off in Tucker's brain; it seems he has suddenly remembered everything that happened before the surgery. "Miranda…the baby?" Derek can see the urgency on his face; he wants to be with Bailey. The birth of his first child is a major milestone, and he wants to be there. Derek would too, if it was his baby, but Tucker can't go anywhere yet.

"Bailey's fine, Mr Jones. She's still in labour, but everything is going fine." Derek feels a tiny pang of guilt about lying to Tucker, but the last thing that his patient needs right now is something else to worry about. He needs to be able to rest without being distracted by anything else.

Tucker relaxes. "Good," he sighs. "Tell her—tell her I'm sorry."

Derek nods. "I will. I'll go check up on her now and I'll be back to tell you how it's going, OK? You get some rest, Tucker," he adds, but Tucker is already drifting off.

"How's he doing, Dr Shepherd?" The dark-haired nurse sticks her head in the door, smiling that blinding smile.

"Fine," Derek replies. "Keep an eye on him, and page me if anything happens. I'll be back in a little while to check on him again."

The nurse nods, and opens her mouth to say something, but Derek never finds out what it is because he is already gone, feeling more optimistic now than he has all day. Tucker's recovery is a miracle, a ray of light in the darkness; it's proof that not everything is going to go wrong today. The black cloud of fear and dread that has been blanketing Derek all day seems lighter now. Meredith is going to make it. She has to. Tucker is alive, Bailey is going to have her baby, and Meredith is going to be okay.

Derek opens the door to Bailey's room and runs smack into Addison, who is just on her way out. There is a moment of awkward silence, and then Addison finally says, "Come to gloat Derek?"

"Addie." It doesn't have to be this way; just because their marriage is over doesn't mean they have to be all bitter and hateful towards each other. They can still be friends. She starts to brush past him, but he grabs her arm before she can go anywhere. "Addie, I'm sorry. What I said—about you being incompetent—it was out of line. It's just—" he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Today's been a bad day for everyone."

For a moment, Derek thinks Addison is just going to walk away, and she seems to think so too, but instead, she sighs and lets her arms drop. "Miranda refuses to push. I have to go find Richard now and tell him that I need him to find me an OR."

"Tucker's awake." Derek's not sure if this is going to help, but he feels like he should let Addison know before he tells Bailey. "He's sleeping now, but his vitals are stable and his response is good. He's going to be fine."

"Can he be moved?" There is hope in Addison's face; it's faint, but it's there. Derek shakes his head. "Then there's no way she's going to do this. I need to get an OR. Now."

Derek nods. There's no other way. "Do you want me to stay with Miranda?" He knows Addison probably doesn't need his help—George is standing in the corner of the room—but he needs something to do other than sit here and watch Bailey, who is curled up on her side, silent tears streaming down her face. It breaks Derek's heart to see and to know that there is nothing he can do to help. This is one of the worst feelings in the world for a surgeon: uselessness. Judging by the look on George's face, Derek knows that he feels it too, they all do.

Something flashes across George's face then, almost like anger. He can't seem to keep his emotions bottled up any longer. "Dr Bailey, I'm surprised at you, I really thought—This is not how I thought you would do this."

Derek is momentarily speechless. Of all the people to stand up to Dr Bailey, George O'Malley is the last one to come to mind. Then again, maybe Derek shouldn't be so surprised; O'Malley, after all has a tendency to surprise people.

"Dr O'Malley I really don't think—" Addison begins, hand dropping away from the doorknob—this is a situation that needs her immediate attention; getting an OR will have to wait—but George keeps going. "I truly—I expected more," he continues, walking over to stand beside Bailey, his voice filled with quiet disappointment.

"George," Addison, brushes past Derek, but he grabs her arm and holds her back. "Let him do this," he whispers quietly, as she glares at him. "Just let him try."

George takes a washcloth from the basin by the bed and wrings the water out methodically before crossing to Bailey and sponging her arm gently. Derek and Addison watch silently, Addison with her arms folded across her chest in disapproval, Derek gently touching her elbow, reminding her to stay back. To any outsider, they look like a married couple, a couple with years of love and understanding behind them and many more still to come. Derek can see why; in this moment, he can almost believe it too.

"You're Dr Bailey." George continues to sponge Bailey's forehead, looking at her with more kindness than Derek has ever seen a resident show towards a patient. "You don't hide from a fight. You don't give up. You strive for greatness. You, Dr Bailey, you are a doer." Bailey tries to turn away from him, but George doesn't let her. Derek is impressed by his determination. "I know you're husband isn't here," George continues softly. "And I know there are a lot of things going on today that we have no control over. But this—" here Bailey begins to look up, and see George; Derek can tell she is listening—"This we can do. Okay?" Derek can't see that Bailey has made any indication of whether or not she has heard George, but she must have, because he looks at Addison and says, "Okay," very quietly.

Wasting no time, Addison springs into action, leaving Derek's side to arrange the sheets on the bed, as George rolls Bailey up into a sitting position and springs onto the bed behind her, positioning her between his legs. Bailey leans back, eyes closed, fighting the pain. George rubs her shoulders gently. "Let's have this baby, okay?"

Derek can't believe it. It's happening. Bailey's having the baby. Once again, the black cloud lessens slightly, as a new ray of hope appears. He wants to stay, to be here in a place full of hope and happiness and the triumph of new life, but he gets the feeling that Addison doesn't need him, and that he will only get in the way. Still, something is pulling him to stay. If he leaves, all those fears and worries about Meredith that he's been suppressing will come back to consume him again.

"Dr Shepherd?"

Derek turns. Izzie is standing in the doorway. She catches sight of Bailey, and he can see the shock on her face. She's never seen Bailey so vulnerable before.

"Yes, Dr Stevens?" Derek moves out of the room, taking Izzie with him. They're only going to get in Addison's way if they stay.

"Chief Webber, he—well, he's gotten out of bed and we can't get him back in again."

Derek sighs. Why can't Richard understand the seriousness of what happened to him? He needs to rest so that he doesn't have another attack.  
>"Where is he Stevens?"<p>

Izzie shows Derek back to the nurse's station, where he can see Richard talking to a nurse. With a flash of anger, he notices Karev there as well, trying to reason with the Chief, who is ignoring him completely. "Alex has been trying to talk him back into bed, but he's not listening," she explains.

Derek nods. "I'll take care of it, Stevens." He marches over towards Richard, mentally preparing the speech that he's going to make about how Richard's first concern right now should be his health. Let Derek take care of everything else.

"Chief—" he begins, but the Chief holds up a hand to silence him. "Not now Derek."

"I don't think you get to make that call, Richard," Derek protests, but doesn't continues because he notices the man in the bomb squad uniform approaching. The Chief notices him too.

"Finally, some news!" Richard look immensely relieved. "What's going on up there?"

"Young sent me to let you know that there are some problems upstairs." The man's expression is austere.

"What kind of problems?" The Chief thunders. "Haven't we had enough problems for one day?"

Derek isn't listening to the Chief anymore. _Problems upstairs? What does he mean, problems? Has the bomb gone off? Is Meredith dead?_

"The intern with the bomb refuses to take her hand out."

_Meredith won't take her hand out?_ It's like everything else has faded away. It can't wait. He needs to tell her the truth so that she can realize the craziness of what she is doing, that she can realize she needs to hand on for him. She needs to try for him, because he can't live without her.

"Where are you going?" Derek hasn't even realized that he's moving until the Chief's words stop him in his tracks. When he replies, there is no hesitation in his voice, no indecisiveness. He knows what he needs to do.

"Upstairs. I need to talk to Meredith."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I meant to post a note about this in Chapter Four where it actually happened, but I didn't want to have to go and edit the whole chapter, so I thought I'd just put it here instead. So you know the whole conversation Derek had with Nelson? Some people said it seemed a little weird and out of character for Nelson, which I totally agree with. The thing is, when I wrote that chapter, I still hadn't met Nelson in the series, I had just heard his name mentioned, so I had no idea what his character was actually going to be like. (I'm doing things a little weirdly; I'm watching season 6 and season 8 at the same time. I only started watching the show in January. So I'm on season 6, but I wanted to see the new episodes too. A bit of a spoiler, but it's not a big deal to me.) Anyways, I know get why some people may have thought that was a little weird for Nelson to say because I think it is too. I'm not going to go back and change it though, because I think it works with the story, and I think that everyone would be doing things that are out of character on a day like that. Emotions are running out of control. And you could also say that Nelson says what he does because he's trying to seem cool in Derek's eyes, because, well, I don't think it's a secret at Seattle Grace that Derek Shepherd gets laid. They don't call him McDreamy for nothing! ;) **

**I'll try to update a little quicker next time, but school is starting to get a little busy, and I'm writing two stories at the same time, so I can't promise anything. However, I do a lot of writing in class and I really want to update these stories and get started on new ones because I have so many ideas floating around my head it's crazy! So hang in there. The next chapter will be up as soon as I can get it done. **


	7. Breathe

**A/N: I don't normally pair songs and chapters, because I listen to a variety of music when I am writing these, but this song stuck in my mind. It's the one they used in the show during this moment, but I think it works perfectly. It's also the name of the chapter: Breathe by Anna Nalick**

_Two a.m. and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,_

"_Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?_

_I don't love him; winter just wasn't my season;"_

_Yeah we walk through the door so accusing their eyes,_

_Like they have any right at all to criticize;_

_Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason._

'_Cause you can't jump the track,_

_We're like cars on a cable,_

_And life's like an hourglass glued to the table;_

_No one can find the rewind button girl,_

_So cradle your head in your hands_

_And breathe; just breathe._

_Oh breathe; just breathe._

"You're doing what?"

Richard's voice is thunderous, so much so that the whole waiting room falls silent. Derek can feel the stares; the eyes burn into him, but he doesn't care. They don't understand; they aren't the ones who have been waiting down here all day, only to find out that the love of their lives is condemning herself to die, because, if they were, they wouldn't just be standing here either. They would be trying to do something too.

"I'm going up there, Richard," Derek snaps, ignoring the looks he's getting from everyone. Let them think he's crazy. Their opinions are not going to change his mind in the slightest.

"No you're not, Derek. I already have one world-class surgeon up there, I don't need another one."

A small part of Derek's brain suggests that maybe he should calm down, discuss this reasonably, because the last thing he wants is for Richard to have another panic attack, but his anger squashes that voice of reason. Meredith is up there, refusing to save herself, and all Richard can think about is the fact that he could be putting a second attending in harm's way? The whole point of being a surgeon is to save lives, which is what Derek's trying to do. Can't Richard see that if Meredith doesn't take her hand out, the patient will die too? Burke can't operate if the bomb is still there.

Is this all Richard cares about? The money he will lose if two world-class surgeons die instead of one? He doesn't care that the life of one of his most promising interns is on the line as well? "Meredith is choosing suicide!" Derek bellows, unable to contain his anger any longer. "You think I'm going to just stand here and let her die up there?"

"Derek, the bomb squad has it all under control," the Chief replies patiently. "Going up there at this point—"

"There's nothing the bomb squad can do! She's not going to listen to them; her mind's already made up! She's going to let herself die, and she's going to kill an innocent patient too!" Maybe if Derek plays the potential-lawsuit-if-the-patient-dies card, Richard will let him go up there.

"And you think you can change that?" Richard, obviously, is not picking up on the lawsuit hint. "Meredith is going through a difficult time, Derek. This is a very scary situation. It's natural for her to panic. And the bomb squad knows how to deal with this kind of thing. You'll only be in the way."

"Meredith doesn't panic!" Derek can't believe that he is having this conversation. Does Richard really know so little about the woman whose mother he had an affair with for years, the woman who could easily have become his daughter? He of all people should know that, after everything that has happened to her, Meredith isn't the type to freeze in a crisis. It's the emotional situations that make her freeze. "She's exceptionally calm in situations like these!"

"Dr Shepherd," Izzie begins hesitantly, "maybe Chief Webber is right. Mer is only human."

"She isn't doing this because she's afraid of dying!" Derek cries.

"You don't know that Shepherd. You don't know anything," Karev hisses.

"Don't tell me I don't know anything," Derek retorts, barely suppressing the urge to go at Karev again. The bruises are just beginning to show on his face, and Derek s more than happy to add to his collection.

Izzie, sensing the rising tension, grabs Karev's elbow. "Don't even think about it," she whispers, as Karev tenses to spring.

"Karev, get out of here," the Chief snaps. More trouble is the last thing he needs. Alex gives the Chief a dark look, but goes, muttering under his breath.

"Now, Derek." the Chief turns back to him. "You need to be reasonable. Meredith—"

"Is killing herself because of me!"

Everyone is silenced by this outburst. The Chief is shocked; he, like everyone else, thought that Derek and Addison were the perfect happy couple. He thought they had all their problems worked out. Izzie is wide-eyed, but not as surprised as Richard; she figured this out a while ago. Richard opens and closes his mouth, trying to think of something to say, but now that Derek has started, he can't stop. "Meredith isn't afraid of dying. She's giving up because she thinks that I don't care anymore. She thinks that I don't love her because I chose Addison, even though she begged me not to. She doesn't want to live in a world where she has to watch Addison and I pretend to be all happy and in love every day, so she's trying to save everyone else by giving up."

"Derek—" Richard interjects, but this time it's Izzie who interrupts him.

"It's possible, Chief," she says quietly. "Meredith is still hopelessly in love with him. Haven't you seen her moping around the hospital for the last few months? She's positively miserable."

"Meredith's not suicidal," the Chief protests stubbornly.

"Well, no," Izzie said slowly, "But you have to admit, the opportunity to escape it all has landed right in her lap. It's so easy for her to just let go."

"Which is why I have to go up there!" Derek was glad that _someone_ was taking his side. "If she knows the truth, she won't do this, she won't give up like this!"

Richard shook his head. "I'm not letting you go up there, Derek. It's just too dangerous."

"I'm saving lives, Richard! If Meredith doesn't take her hand out, her patient is going to die!" Derek pleads. "If she pulls the bomb out, he may still die," he continues, seeing the look on Richard's face, "but if we don't do anything, we're condemning everyone up there to death. You don't have to lose Meredith, or Burke, or their patient, but if you do nothing, you'll lose all of them."

Richard sighs. "I don't want to lose anyone, Shepherd, but there's a good chance that they will make it out of this alive. The bomb squad knows what they're doing, and there's no guarantee that you would be able to help anyways. Even if you could convince Meredith to go ahead and pull the bomb out, there's no guarantee that it wouldn't go off while they were taking it out, and then I'd be short three surgeons instead of two. So the answer's still no. You're not going up there."

This is ridiculous. Does the Chief have any idea how much time he is wasting? Doesn't he understand that whether or not Derek goes up there, if Meredith dies, the Chief will lose his head of Neurosurgery? Derek would rather die up there with Meredith than live the rest of his life knowing that he might have saved her. _You can't ask for permission, Derek. This is Meredith we're talking about. It doesn't matter what they say or what you have to do, you have to get up there._ Before he can do anything, though, the phone at the nurses' station goes off. Everyone tenses automatically, even though the phone call could be nothing. Olivia answers it; she listens for a moment, nods and then says, "He's right here." Covering the receiver with her hand, she turns towards Derek and the Chief. Richard is already moving, expecting the phone to be for him. "I'll take it," he says, sounding relieved to have something else to deal with other than Derek.

"Actually, it's not for you, Chief Webber. Dr Shepherd?"

Derek blinks. The Chief and Izzie both turn and stare at him.

"For me?" _Who would be calling the nurses' station and asking for me on a day like today? Who calls the nurses' station and asks for me on a normal day?_

Olivia nods. "It's Dr Burke. He says it's urgent."

_Oh God. Something's happened. _

Expecting the worst, Derek reaches for the phone.

* * *

><p><em>May he turn twenty-one on the base at Fort Bliss,<em>

"_Just today," he said down to the flask in his fist,_

"_Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."_

_Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,_

_But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,_

_Wanna hold him; maybe I'll just sing about it._

_Cause you can't jump the track,_

_We're like cars on a cable,_

_And life's like an hourglass glued to the table;_

_No one can find the rewind button boys,_

_So cradle your head in your hands_

_And breathe; just breathe._

_Oh breathe; just breathe._

Meredith doesn't want to die. At least, that's what she thought when she first stuck her hand in Mr Carlson's chest. She told herself that she wasn't suicidal, that she didn't want to die, but now, after a whole day of being calm and composed and squashing that little voice in the back of her head that has been freaking about the whole hand-on-the-bomb thing, dying doesn't seem like such a bad idea. If she dies, there's no Derek and Addison to break her heart anew every day; there's no Chief reminding her all the time of the broken childhood that she suffered through because of what he and her mother had done; there's no one expecting anything of her. She can just let go of it all.

If she knew things were going to work out between her and Derek, if she knew that he might actually sign those damn divorce papers that had been sitting in his briefcase for however many months, of course she would be fighting. _You know, he could still sign them. He and Addison don't really get along anymore, _the tiny voice in the back of her head reminds her. _Yeah, but he's had those papers for months now,_ Meredith tells the tiny voice bitterly. _You'd think if he were going to sign them, he would have done it by now._

"We're ready when you are." Burke's voice is calm, but Meredith isn't listening. She is too wrapped up in her own thoughts. Besides, they aren't even talking to her.

Young nods. "We're good. Meredith?"

She looks up, remembering that she is a part of this and not simply observing it from far away. This is it. The big moment has finally arrived. Meredith is going to pull her hand out and pray to God that they don't all die in a fiery wreck. If she can make it that far, she'll be okay. _I know it's scary Meredith,_ she tells herself, _but you can do this. No one is going to die today. _"Yeah?" she asks, having no idea what it is that Burke and Young have been talking about.

"I'm going to extend the wound." Burke picks up the scalpel, assuming that her 'yeah' is one of assent about what is going to happen and not of confusion about what is going on. "When I cut, the bleeding is going to intensify. If we're going to save Mr Carlson, you need to pull the ammo out immediately."

"But remember," Young interjects. "Remove it while keeping it as level as possible. Nice and easy, no quick movements. Level."

"Right," Meredith whispers faintly, trying hard to dispel the panic rising in her chest. "Level."

"You ready?" Burke asks, sensing her nervousness.

"I, uh—" Meredith isn't sure that Burke should be giving her an option. Right now, she'll probably say no. "Do I have a choice?"

"You have to be ready," Burke replies calmly.

"Yeah, I guess I—" Meredith begins, but Burke interrupts her. "Scalpel." There is no hesitation in his voice. He wants to get it over with. He begins widening the incision, and Meredith wants to yell at him to stop, to wait, that what she meant to say was _Yeah, I guess I do have to be ready_, but the words are stuck in her throat. "I guess I'm ready," she whispers to herself. The incision is getting wider, exposing more of Mr Carlson's insides. More blood begins to flow out of the wound. They don't have much time.

"All right. I'm good. She can go." Burke sets down the scalpel and moves aside, giving Meredith room to do what she needs to do.

"All right now Meredith." Young's voice is soft, soothing, almost whispery. "Wrap your hand around the nose cone."

_Everyone probably thinks I'm suicidal_. The thought pops into Meredith's head unwillingly. Derek definitely thinks that she is suicidal; after all, she is the girl who stuck her hand in a body cavity containing a bomb. But she's not. She's not doing this to kill herself. She's doing this for everyone else: for Burke, who doesn't know that Cristina heard him say _I love you_ and that she wants to say it back; for George and Izzie and Alex and Bailey, who don't deserve to be blown up, even though the chances of the whole hospital going _boom_ are highly unlikely; even for Young, because, as much as she doesn't like him, he must have friends and family who care about him. She's doing this because she can't do it anymore. She can't pull her hand out. She may have been crazy enough to stick her hand in, but she's not going to be crazy enough to take everyone with her.

"Meredith." There is a warning in Young's tone. _Don't you dare chicken out now_.

Burke turns sharply and looks at her. "Grey?"

Meredith can't say anything. All she can think of is Derek and Addison, walking down the halls; chatting at the nurses' station; leaving the hospital together after a long shift. She can't do this. She can't subject herself to another torturous day of watching them be all happy and married together. She can't spend another day witnessing the proof that, despite everything she said to him, he chose Addison.

The panic is rising in her chest now; it's getting harder to breathe. "Meredith." Young's voice is more urgent; he wants her to say something, anything.

She reaches up and pulls the surgical mask from her face, hoping to get some more air. "George and Izzie shouldn't have to move out of the house."

Realization dawns on Young's face. "No. You hear me—" but Meredith isn't listening.

"You should make sure. Make sure that they-they get to stay in the house." It's not fair that George and Izzie should have no place to live just because Meredith isn't there anymore. Sure, Ellis technically owns the house, but she's never going to live there again, so the house is really Meredith's; it's really up to her what happens to the house.

"Grey," Burke says quietly. He's not angry, but he's not pleased either. "His pressure's dropping. Grey!"

"I can't. No. I can't. This is crazy." Meredith turns to look at Burke, fighting the panic and the tears that are beginning to well in her eyes. She's losing it. "Burke, you're gonna go; you go. Both of you should go." She turns to Young; doesn't he want to get out of here?

"Nobody's dying today, Grey." Why is Burke so stubborn?

"Meredith I want you to look at me," Young says firmly, but Meredith shakes her head. She can't do this. She can't. He turns to the other member of the bomb squad. "Go downstairs and tell the Chief that this is taking longer than I thought." The man nods and leaves the room. "I know this is bad," Young continues, turning back to face Meredith, "and I know that I'm this ass who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like. Whatever you need, but you need to listen to me."

Meredith wants to listen to him. She tries to take deep breaths, she looks into his eyes, and she tries to see someone, anyone, but she can't. All she can think about is Derek and that kiss, that last kiss that she can't remember. "I-I can't," she whispers, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "I—"

Young looks like he wants to hit something. "Meredith," he growls.

"Go! You need to go. Burke—" she turns to him, but the words die on her lips. He needs to go find Cristina. He needs to hear her say she loves him before it's too late. Cristina can't make the same mistake she did; if she loses Burke and Meredith, she won't survive.

Something dawns on Burke's face suddenly. He turns to the anesthesiologist, whom Meredith hadn't even noticed until now. "Will the phone cord reach over here?"

The anesthesiologist looks surprised—everyone is—but he looks at the phone anyways. "I think so."

Burke nods. "Good." And with that, he moves away from the table, crosses the room to the phone, and dials. Meredith and Young are both staring at him. He speaks into the phone quietly, expression serious. No one can hear what he is saying.

* * *

><p>Derek takes the phone from Olivia, almost shoving her out of the way. "Burke?" he barks. "What's going on?"<p>

"Dr Shepherd." Burke's voice is surprisingly calm, given everything that's going on up there. "It's Grey."

Derek's heart stops. "Meredith?" Beside him, the Chief tenses. Izzie's face is horrified.

"She's panicking, Shepherd. She doesn't want to do this."

"Do what?" Derek knew he should have gone up there.

"She needs to pull the ammo out. I've widened the incision so that she can get it out, but she won't do it. She thinks she's going to die and that we should all leave so that we don't die to."

She can't give up. Derek won't let her. "I need to talk to her, Burke."

Even though he can't see him, he swears that Burke is smiling. "That's exactly what I was thinking, Shepherd."

Derek nods, relieved. "Tell me what she needs to do."

* * *

><p><em>There's a light at each end of this tunnel, <em>

_You shout, 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out,_

_And these mistakes you make you'll just make them again,_

_If you'd only try turning around._

"Meredith?"

Meredith blinks, tears blurring her vision. "The phone's for you," Burke says, slowly crossing the room, pulling the phone along with him.

_For me?_ Meredith can't conceal her surprise. _Why would someone be calling me?_

"I'm going to hold the phone to your ear, okay?"

"Burke—" Young starts to protest, but Burke holds up a hand and cuts him off. Silently, he holds the phone to Meredith's ear.

"Meredith?"

She must be dead. The bomb must have gone off and killed them all, otherwise she wouldn't be hearing Derek's voice on the other end of the line. "Derek?" she whispers. She can't believe it's really him.

"Meredith, you need to listen to me." Derek's voice is soothing, it's everything she needs to hear right now.

"Derek, I can't do this." She's sobbing now; the fear of dying, dying and never seeing Derek again is too much for her to take. "I can't I—"

"I know," he whispers. "I know, Meredith. It's scary. But you need to do this."

She wishes more than anything that he was here with her, instead of on the other end of a phone line. She wishes he could hold her and tell her that everything will be okay. The tears are beginning to flow down her cheeks, because she wants to say that she will do this, but she can't. She can't do this. She can't kill Burke and Young and— "I'm sorry, Derek," she whispers, trying hard to conceal the fact that she is crying. "I-I just can't."

"Yes, you can, Meredith. You can do this. No one is going to die today." These are the same words that Burke and Young and everyone—she included—have been saying all day, but somehow, they sound different coming from Derek. She hears them this time, instead of just brushing them off or tuning them out. "Just listen to me, okay Meredith?"

She wants to; God how she wants to, but she can't do this. She needs—she doesn't know what she needs anymore. All she knows is that she misses Derek. "I can't do this without you." The words slip out before she can stop them. Did she really just say that?

"I know," Derek soothes, "but how do you think I'm going to feel if you die?"

He has no idea how long Meredith has been waiting to hear these words. It isn't exactly what she wants to hear but it's close; can things between him and Addison really be over? Do they have a chance?

"Meredith? Are you still there?" There is a hint of panic in Derek's voice.

"Yes." Her voice is barely more than a whisper.

"You need to do this, okay? Mr Carlson doesn't have much time."

"I can't—Derek I need you here with me." Now that there may be some hope that there is a future for them, Meredith has no trouble voicing her feelings.

"I'm right here, Meredith. I'm not going anywhere. Not until you tell me to," Derek says gently. "Close your eyes." Meredith does, and the world falls away. "Just pretend that I'm standing right next to you, okay?"

She nods, feeling a little calmer. "Okay." Listening to him talk, it's easy to pretend that Addison doesn't exist, that none of that ever happened. The table, the room, the bomb, it all falls away. Meredith can practically see Derek in front of her, standing on the other side of the table, beautiful blue eyes full of love and encouragement.

"Okay. We're going to take this one step at a time. Just wrap your hand around the ammo. That's all you need to think about right now." Derek's voice fills her mind; she can see him talking to her, with that intense expression he always gets when he's trying to make her focus.

_Please God don't let me die,_ Meredith prays silently as she slowly wraps her fingers around the hard, round surface beneath them. _I don't want to die while I'm on the phone with Derek. I don't want him to hear me be blown to pieces. _

Nothing happens. Nothing blows up; nobody dies. "Okay," Meredith whispers, incredibly relieved. "I'm holding the bomb."

Across the table, Derek smiles. "Good. Now pull it out. Nice and slow. Pull it out and—"

"Keep it level," she whispers. "I remember."

There's a moment of silence, as Meredith considers what she's about to do. This is it. This is the moment they've all been waiting for. She finally gets to move her hand. She doesn't want to anymore, now that she knows the danger, but she has to. For Derek, because even though it isn't really him standing across the table from her, it feels like it is, and she doesn't want to kill him. So she begins to pull, slowly. Nobody breathes, but nothing happens.

"I'm doing it, Derek," she murmurs incredulously. "I'm pulling it out."

Derek is grinning at her, grinning like it's Christmas. "Good, Meredith. That's good. Keep it up."

"That's great, Meredith," Young says quietly. Meredith opens her eyes, Derek vanishing like smoke in the wind. She wants to call him back, and she can feel the panic rising in her chest, but it fades as she realizes she can see her hand; the bloodstained glove appears out of the cavity like a ship appearing out of the fog. The ammo follows; it's ugly: black and bulky. Had Meredith not known that the ammo was homemade, she would have thought it was the real thing. She can't believe that two average guys built this all by themselves in their garage. It seems a little ridiculous, but at the same time, it's amazing.

"That's it. Keep it level." Young holds out his hands and Meredith slowly places the bomb on it. He nods at Burke, before turning away from the table and moving carefully out of the room.

Meredith steps away, knees shaking. Burke must have handed her the phone, because she is holding it to her ear and he is operating, but she doesn't remember it happening.

"Meredith?" She's almost forgotten that Derek's on the other end of the line.

"I'm okay," she says, relief flooding her. It's over. She's fine. "I did it Derek. It's over."

"Thank God." Derek expels a long breath, and Meredith remembers she's not the only one who's been holding her breath all day. "Are you all right?"

"You know what? I think I am," Meredith replies. "I'm going to stay and see if Burke needs help."

"Okay. I'll be waiting for you when you come down. As soon as those elevator doors open; I'll be there."

"Okay," Meredith whispers. "I'll see you soon." Before Derek can reply, she hangs up. If she lets him talk, she'll never hang up the phone.

The door opens suddenly, and Cristina barges in. "You're done," she says faintly, seeing Burke working on Mr Carlson.

Meredith nods. She's glad that Cristina is here—she's not so sure that she actually wants to stay and help; she just wants to get out of here as fast as she can—but had they not been finished, Cristina's interruption could have killed them all.

Cristina moves to scrub in and help Burke, but Meredith is already leaving. Knees trembling, she opens the door and steps cautiously into the hallway. She can see Young and another member of his team at the end of the hall. They have a case, which Young is going to put the ammo into so that they can safely transport it out of here. Young is just bending down to put it away, and Meredith leans in to take a better look, when suddenly, there is a flash of yellow.

Time seems to stop as the bomb goes off. Meredith is thrown backwards in the shock wave; she flings a hand up to protect her face, but it's useless: the debris burns her anyways. She is weightless, flying through the air effortlessly, knowing that, at some point, she has to hit the ground. After what seems like an eternity she does, and it hurts; her head snaps back against the linoleum, and the rest of her follows.

Derek's face floats across her mind, smiling his perfect McDreamy smile, the one he used that first time she saw him at the bar, the one that leaves any woman in her right mind hopelessly dazzled. He'll be devastated that she's died, but she hopes he'll be okay.

_I never asked him about that kiss,_ she thinks to herself, but before she can worry about it anymore, the darkness descends, and she feels nothing at all.

_Two a.m. and I'm still awake writing a song,_

_If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,_

_Threatening the life it belongs to._

_And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, _

'_Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,_

_And I know that you'll use them however you want to._

_Cause you can't jump the track,_

_We're like cars on a cable,_

_And life's like an hourglass glued to the table;_

_No one can find the rewind button now,_

_So sing it if you understand,_

_And breathe; just breathe._

_Oh breathe; just breathe._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I think this is the fastest I've ever updated a story. I'll try to write the next chapter (which will probably be the last, but I don't want to think about that yet) just as quickly. **

**Another thing: I promised I'd tell you who the nurse that Derek ran into in the last chapter was. There was only one person who guessed who it was, and she was right: it's Rose. I tried not to make it too obvious, but if you follow the show, it wasn't too hard to figure out either.**

**I also want to send a huge thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, especially to those who review after each chapter. Reviews are really huge for me, and they make me want to update faster, because I feel like people are actually reading my story. I know that there are a lot of people who do read it, and if you could just write a little something at the end, that would be AMAZING. Also, if you have anything you'd like to see happen in the last chapter, let me know. I'm pretty sure I know where it's going to go, but new ideas are always welcome! **


	8. It's The End Of The World

**A/N: So turns out this isn't going to be the last chapter. I thought it would be, but there's too much left to cover to put it into one chapter. Also, here's a song for this chapter: Shake It Out by Florence and the Machine. I just thought it fit really well, especially with Derek's bits. **

He'd thought that by now the waiting would be over. Bailey is in labour, Tucker is fine, Meredith pulled the bomb out of Mr Carlson without it going off; there should be no worrying or waiting left to do. And yet, here he sits against the wall facing the elevators like a lost puppy, waiting for Meredith to come down. It will probably be another hour or two. There is nothing for Derek to do to make the time pass quicker. He's been sitting here half an hour already, and it feels like half a lifetime has gone by.

"Dr Shepherd?"

Derek looks up, startled. The dark-haired nurse is back, smiling in an all too friendly way.

"Tucker is awake again. He's asking for Dr Bailey."

Derek sighs. He can't leave. He promised Meredith he would be here when she came down. He needs to be here when she comes down; he's terrified that she'll disappear if he isn't. Tucker is his patient, though; he can't just be abandoned either.

"Dr Shepherd?" the nurse repeats.

Derek glances at his watch. If all goes well up there, he should have at least another hour to wait. He many as well go and check on Tucker.

Tucker is wide-awake. He still looks a little worn-out, but he's less groggy and more alert than he was the last time Derek was here. He looks extremely relieved to see Derek, but his relief is not enough to squash his obvious agitation. "How's Miranda? And the baby?" Tucker's words are urgent; his first priority is obviously to get to Bailey, and Derek understands this perfectly.

"She's doing fine," Derek replies calmly, examining Tucker's pupils again. They look good. "She's got one of the best neo-natal surgeons in the world looking after her." Derek thinks it's best, given the current situation between him, Addison, and Meredith, that he not mention the fact that Addison is his wife.

"She's going to be furious. I promised…I need to see her." Tucker struggles to sit up, but Derek forces him back down gently.

"She's fine, Tucker. She understands you can't be there/" Derek tucks the penlight back into the pocket of his scrubs. "Can you follow my finger?" He begins to move it back and forth.

"We're having a baby! Our first baby! I need to be there!" Tucker's eyes follow Derek's finger, but he is only doing this to prove that he is fine, that he can get out of here.

Derek sighs. Tucker's responsiveness is great, but he can't be moved yet. "I know this is hard for you, Tucker. I understand that you want to be there. I do," he continues firmly, as Tucker begins to protest. "You don't know what's been going on today because you've been in the OR the whole time, but a man came in this morning with live, unexploded ammunition in his chest. There was a twenty-two year-old paramedic with her hand in the guy's chest, trying to stop the bleeding. Nobody knew about the ammunition, or that the paramedic was touching it until the surgeon was about to cut into him." Tucker's eyes widen in shock. "The paramedic started to panic, and she pulled her hand out. One of our interns – my girlfriend – stuck her hand in there instead to keep it from blowing up. Long story short, I know what it's like, Tucker. I've been sitting here all day, not knowing what is going on up there, not able to see the love of my life, only allowed to speak to her for five minutes, and it wasn't even in person; it was on the phone.

"I know you want to be there for Bailey. I know you don't want to miss the birth of your first child. But what's best for you right now is rest. The more rest you get, the sooner you will be able to go home and spend time with your son."

Tucker looks somewhat appeased, but he still isn't pleased at the thought of missing out on the birth of his son.

"Tell you what," Derek says, trying to make this easier. "I'll go tell Bailey that you're awake, and she'll bring your son in to see you as soon as she can, okay?"

Tucker nods reluctantly. "Thank you, Dr Shepherd."

Derek just smiles and glances at his watch as he leaves. It's only been twenty minutes since he left the elevators. He has another forty minutes or so until Meredith goes through those elevator doors…

The shock wave rattles the whole hospital. The sound is muffled, but the whole hospital trembles. The dark-haired nurse—who is still hovering, wanting nothing more than to be of service to McDreamy—looks around, alarmed, but Derek doesn't need to look anywhere. He knows what that was, and it makes his heart stop, before he realizes what has happened and bolts towards the elevators.

"Dr Shepherd?" the nurse calls tentatively, but Derek could care less about what she has to say. Tucker could be dying, and he wouldn't care.

The bomb has gone off.

There is a small crowd gathered by the elevators. Derek spies Richard, Adele, Izzie, Alex, some nurses, a girl in a bloodstained white uniform who must be the missing paramedic, and a terrified-looking woman in a hospital gown who must be Mrs Carlson. Richard is barking orders, while Adele watches on. Izzie is glancing everywhere, looking for someone, and Derek knows instinctively who it is because he is looking too; Meredith and Cristina are still up there.

Derek doesn't know what to think. This can't be happening. She pulled the bomb out. She made it. She was okay. After everything they got through, this cannot be happening.

"Derek?" Richard has spotted him and makes his way over. "What did Burke say?"

_Burke?_ Derek is momentarily confused before realizing Richard is talking about the phone call; he'd the last one to have spoken to anyone upstairs. "All I know is that Meredith pulled it out," he says numbly. He feels empty, stunned. This isn't happening.

Richard runs a hand over his head in agitation, and walks away, muttering to himself. Adele rests a hand on his arm. "Shouting isn't going to accomplish anything," she says quietly. "You're just going to have to wait until Burke comes down.

"If they come down," Richard mutters darkly.

_If they come down. If they come down._ The words ring incessantly in Derek's ears. _If they make it._ He can't wait until they get here. He can't sit here dwelling on the if. He's been waiting too long. He needs to know.

"Derek!"

His finger is hovering over the call button when the familiar voice rings out. It's Addison. Of course she's the one to catch him. He wishes she weren't; she is inevitably going to get hurt.

"I-I heard the noise...Richard said the bomb went off and I—" She breaks off and Derek wonders if it is perhaps because she knows he knows what she is going to say: that she wanted to make sure he was okay, that she was afraid he was just going to run off in search of Meredith, but he then realizes it is because she has noticed his finger. What are you doing?"

"Going upstairs. I need to find out—"

"What happened? Who died?" Addison interrupts. "You want to, but you don't need to. There's a difference." A hint of frustration creeps into Addison's voice. "Everyone else has to wait, Derek. What makes you so special? Besides, Burke is busy operating. You'll only be in the way."

"So everyone keeps saying, but how do any of you know?" Derek retorts. "You're not up there, Addie. You haven't been up there all day."

"And neither have you, Derek! You don't always have to play the hero! Do you know how unbelievably stupid it is for you to go up there?" Her voice rises; people are beginning to stare. The Chief looks like he wants to say something, but Adele holds him back. Despite the fact that she's always been a firm believer in Derek and Addie, she doesn't seem surprised by everything that's happening.

"What if they're dead, Addison? What if they all died?" Derek doesn't want to accept the possibility, but he needs to get up there.

"Then they're dead, Derek! And it'll be terribly sad, but there won't be anything we can do about it," she snaps. "Going up there isn't going to change anything."

"So then why does it matter?" Derek growls. "Why can't I just go?" If it were anyone other than Addison, he'd just shove her out of the way. He needs to get up there. Meredith...he needs to know.

"Because it's dangerous!" Addison cries. "You made such a big deal about Meredith giving up and committing suicide when she stuck her hand in that man's chest, but it's okay for you to go and do the same thing?"

"I need to be up there, Addison. If Meredith—"

"Meredith Grey doesn't need you!" He hasn't seen Addison lose it completely in a long time. "She's a grown woman, Derek. She can look after herself."

"What if she's been hurt?" As painful as it is to imagine, Derek can't ignore the possibility. The terror that comes with thinking about her lying up there, dying or in pain, makes him sick. "What if she's lying there—"

"It doesn't matter! She's not your responsibility anymore! Someone else will find her and help her, not you." Addison rakes her hair back from her face so hard that it pulls at the edges of her forehead. The others may not understand this, but Derek knows what it means: she's at the end of her rope; she's realized the scene that she is causing, and is changing tactics, trying to find a less embarrassing way to get her point across.

Derek takes advantage of her silence to plead his case one more time. "If she—"

"If she what? If she dies?" Despite all of her efforts to contain her anger and pull herself together, she can't. This only goes to show how taxing the situation is on her; Addison never loses control. "Well, then she dies."

"Addie—" How can she be so insensitive? She, of all people, must understand how he is feeling.

Addison is a force to be reckoned with; there's not stopping her now. "Don't Addie me," she snaps.

"But—"

"You can't have it both ways, Derek," she says bitterly. "You chose me. You can't have us both. You chose _me_." There are tears in her eyes; this is the second time today he's made her cry.

"People make mistakes, Addie." Derek cries in exasperation.

"Oh so that's all I was? Just another one of those mistakes that the perfect Derek Shepherd can just forget about?" Everyone is watching them now; this will be all over the hospital by tomorrow, if not by the end of the day. "We were married for eleven years. Eleven years! And that's nothing to you?" Addison is fighting the tears.

"You were the one to throw it away!" Derek retorts. "You slept with Mark, not me. I tried to fix this. I chose you because I felt I owed it to those eleven years to try. But I can't do it anymore, Addie. She's the love of my life." The realization, the weight of saying it out loud is crushing; all of Derek's anger crumbles away, despair coming to take its place.

For a moment, Addison says nothing. He's done it. He's finally admitted what they knew to be true for so long. A single tear rolls down her cheek, but she reaches up quickly to wipe it away.

"I-I can't lose her, Addie. If she dies…I can't live without her."

Addison sighs painfully. "She wouldn't want you in harm's way, Derek. I know it's hard, but you have to wait a little while longer."

"She doesn't even know," Derek moans. "If she dies before I can tell her…"

"She won't." Despite everything that she's been saying to the contrary, Addison knows that Derek needs her reassurance more than anything else. She guides him away from the elevators. He tries to shake her off, but she resists. "Please, Derek. Do this for me."

Derek sighs. She's right. The least he can give her is this.

Slowly, he lets himself sink down to the floor to wait.

* * *

><p>Meredith comes to slowly. Her head is pounding, and the hallway swims before her in a nauseating blur of colour. Despite the flak jacket covering her torso, the impact with the floor still makes her ache all over, and she can feel the sting of the cuts and burns on her face and arms. She can't have been out for more than a few minutes; the dust and embers of the explosion have yet to settle.<p>

She needs to move. Some dim part of her brain realizes that she is injured: definitely some minor burns and probably a concussion, given the pounding headache and the blurred vision. She needs help, and to get that, she needs to move. Burke and Cristina are still in surgery, and there is no one else up here. No one has come out of the OR obviously, otherwise she wouldn't still be lying here. This means that she needs to get to the elevators.

_I'll be waiting for you. The minute those elevator doors open I'll be there._ Derek's words ring in her ears. There will be someone to help her.

She tries to sit up, but the world lurches nauseatingly and she collapses back down again. Definitely a head injury.

_I just need to make it to the elevators,_ she told herself. _Just go slowly. I can make it._

She tries to crawl or even to drag herself across the floor, but her body is too sore, too weak to even manage that. She can barely see where she is going, and the pain in her head is overpowering. With much effort and agony, Meredith pulls herself off to the side, into and empty OR whose door was blown to pieces in the explosion. She only means to rest for a minute or two before continuing, but her body is too spent, and so when the wave of blackness descends, there's nothing she can do to stop it.

* * *

><p><em>When the bomb goes off, Cristina freezes. It's hardly long enough to be noticeable, only a fraction of a second, but the thundering of the bomb going off still makes her heart stop momentarily. A tiny part of her brain whispers,<em> This is it,_ and she braces herself for the end, but nothing happens. There is no blinding flash, no white light. Burke says nothing, so engrossed in the surgery that she doubts he even heard. The anesthesiologist and the scrub nurse exchange looks, but neither of them say anything either. And so Cristina turns back to Mr Carlson and proceeds as if nothing happened. _

_ It's so thrilling, being able to stand here, holding the retractor, while Burke repairs the aorta. It's these moments where Cristina knows she's going to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. When she's operating, it's like the whole world fades away. There is the patient, and nothing else. _

_ So it's no surprise that when Burke's voice says, "All right, time to close up," it feels as though only five minutes have passed. As usual, Cristina feels that small pang that accompanies the conclusion of a surgery._

"_Nice work, Dr Yang." Burke is entirely too professional in addressing her; their relationship is not entirely secret, and yet they go on as if it is. _

_ "Thank you, Dr Burke," she replies with equal professionalism. _

_ Neither of them says anything about the explosion, and it's easy to forget that it ever happened, to pretend that this is just another surgery. Once they step out the door and into the hall, however, reality comes and smacks them in the face. _

_ The hallway is unrecognizable. Debris are everywhere, bits of smouldering plaster and wood still occasionally tumble down from the ceiling and walls. There is no sign of Young or the other man who went with him, and Cristina feels a tiny pang of sadness, which is dissipates quickly as she remembers what a complete and utter ass he was. He's certainly not someone she's going to miss._

_ "Wow," Cristina whispers. There really isn't anything else to say. _

_ "We're lucky to be alive," Burke muses. _

_ Cristina nods, numbly. They are. They really are so incredibly lucky to be alive. "Burke…" She should tell him. She should tell him now before she forgets all of the emotions she is feeling right now and goes back to feeling invincible. _

_ "What?" He is listening, but not really; his eyes are still devouring the scene in front of them._

_ She can't tell him when he's not even listening to her. "We should go."_

_ It's not until they are in the elevator going downstairs that she remembers Meredith. She isn't here, and Cristina can't remember if she was in the OR with them or not. It's a terrible feeling, realizing that you've completely forgotten about your person in a time like this._

_ "Where's Meredith?" She glances at Burke, hoping, praying that he knows where she is. _

_ Burke frowns thoughtfully. "She went downstairs," he says after a moment._

_ Cristina relaxes. Good. Her person's out of harm's way._

* * *

><p>For lack of anything else to do, Derek paces. The hopelessness is gone, replaced again by frustration, and so Derek paces. The crowd that was there when he arrived hasn't changed, with the exception of Addison, who has sunk to the floor by the nurses' station, head in her hands, the perfect picture of despair.<p>

She can't be dead. She just can't be. After everything they've been through, they have to make it through this. They have to get their chance.

The phone rings suddenly, and everyone jumps three feet into the air. Derek can't breathe as the Chief answers it. Everyone is watching him expectantly. "What the hell is going on down there?" Richard asks. There's a silence. "Who's coming up? Okay." He hangs up the phone, looking visibly relieved. "Come on, sweetheart," he says to Adele, before heading over to the elevators. "All right people, they're coming up."

Derek's heart leaps. They're coming up. They're okay. They're all okay. The whole room stirs: Hannah raises her head from where she's been dozing on a chair; Alex gets up from his seat, and so does Mrs Carlson; Addison slowly looks up, gaunt-faced and then gets to her feet quickly as she realizes what Richard has said. Everyone is moving; they all stand behind Richard and Adele at the end of the hallway, staring at the elevator bank, holding their breath. There are more and more people appearing; it's as if everyone heard what the Chief said.

At long last, the elevator doors open, revealing Burke and Cristina. Both are tired, and still wearing their scrub caps. Derek's heart stops. Where is Meredith?

Burke and Cristina's approach seems to take forever. All Derek can think about is Meredith: where is she? Could he have missed her? Was it possible that she came down while he was with Tucker?

"Derek." Burke's eyes find his, as always he is calm and composed. Derek hardly notices Burke's use of his first name; the issue that seemed so important this morning now seems trivial in light of what has happened.

"Preston—" Derek begins, questions about Meredith and what happened on the tip of his tongue, but before he can get them out a voice says, "Dr Burke?"

Everyone turns to look at Mrs Carlson, who has appeared beside Derek. "Is-is my husband," she swallows, preparing for the worst, "alive?"

A tiny hint of a smile crosses Burke's face. "Yes."

Mrs Carlson gives a tiny, shaky nod. "Is he gonna stay alive?"

Burke glances at something over her shoulder and everyone assumes the worst. "Yes," he finally says. "Thanks to that young lady over there," he points at Hannah, "he is."

Mrs Carlson gasps. "I—I thank you," she whispers before rushing over to Hannah and giving her a hug.

Everyone begins to relax. The crisis is over. The storm has passed.

"Where's Meredith?"

Cristina's question brings silence on the crowd. She's been looking around this whole time, searching furtively for her person with no success.

Everyone tenses. Derek's heart stops again. "I thought she was with you," he said quietly.

She shakes her head. "Burke said she came downstairs."

They turn to look at Richard and Adele, who have been here the whole time. Neither of them can say anything. Finally, Izzie speaks. "She never came down here." Her voice is no more than a whisper.

"Well then where is she?" Derek cries, rounding on Burke, who simply shakes his head.

"She left my OR, Derek. She was going to go downstairs."

"No," Derek whispers. This isn't happening. There's been some kind of mistake. "No."

"There was no one in the hallway," Cristina whispers. "There was—Oh my God." It dawns on her what must have happened. "She—"

"No!" Derek snaps. It can't be true. It can't be. "No she—MEREDITH!" He cries, anguished, bolting towards the elevators.

This time, no one stops him.


	9. What Fixes Me Breaks You

**A/N: So I know it's been a while since I updated, but I've been really busy (all of my teachers have decided to heap tons of assignments on me and the track and field season has started, so I've got meets and practices every other day) and I really wanted to make these last two chapters really good. **

**I thought that this was going to be the last chapter, but as I was writing, I realized that it would be too long to just put it into one chapter, so I spilt it into two. The other chapter is almost done (I actually wrote both chapters simultaneously. I don't normally write like that, but I just started to think of these moments that I had to get down before I forgot them.) Anyway, the last chapter will definitely be up by tomorrow at the latest. **

**Also, for the last two chapters, not everything is going to be told from Meredith and Derek's perspective. I've tried to keep it strictly from their perspectives for most of the story, but there are just some moments where I have to let the other characters take over. There are a bunch of these in the next two chapters, just because I think there are some really important moments that need to be told from other people's perspectives. **

**ANYWAYS, that was a really long A/N and you all probably want to get to the story. So I'll just let you read. **

* * *

><p>The elevator seems to crawl. Derek watches the floors slip away, trying to contain his anxiety. She can't be dead. She just can't be. He's finally realized how important she is, how much he needs her, that he can't live without her, and that being the good guy and trying to make things work with his wife just isn't possible. If she dies before he can tell her everything he knows now, everything he's known all along but refused to admit to himself—she just can't be dead.<p>

"Don't do this to me, Meredith," he mutters to himself. "Don't you dare leave me like this."

Memories of Meredith fill his head. All those times they were together come back to haunt him as he waits for the elevator to climb down to that fateful floor. He can remember vividly the way she came into the scrub room right before he went into surgery to tell him that she loved him, that it was up to him, but that he should choose her; the way she looked when he saw her after, with the IV bag of fluids hooked up to her arm, trying so hard to convince Bailey that she was sober; the way she wandered around with that lost, longing look on her face for days after he told her that he had to choose Addison.

_Pick me. Choose me. Love me._

He should have chosen her. He had just thought that after everything he and Addison had had that maybe there was a second chance for them. Her words had filled his head when he made his choice. _Maybe I'm still the love of your life._ How could he have not known, when Meredith came and made her speech, that the love of his life was standing right in front of him? How could he have been so blind? She had been right there in front of him the whole time, and he thought that he owed it to Addison to try and make it work. He told himself he was being selfless, that he was thinking about other people, but what about Meredith? He hadn't been thinking about her, because he assumed that she wasn't in love with him. He assumed that she would be fine on her own, that she hadn't really been into the whole relationship idea anyways, that she wasn't as committed as him. He was wrong. He hurt her then, and he still hurts her now. Every day, when she sees him in the halls, when they are working on a case together, when they are riding the elevator or eating lunch in the cafeteria, he hurts her. And he hurts himself too. Seeing her only reminds him of what he could have, of the life that could be his had he chosen it.

He's not going to make that mistake again. He's made a choice, the right choice this time, and he's going to stick to it. No matter what happens, he's not leaving her again.

The elevator lurches to a halt, sending Derek's heart flying up with it. There's a pause, and then the doors open, revealing the desolation.

The OR hallway is unrecognizable. The whole end of the hall has been completely blown away. There are bits of paper and wood still flaming on the floor, and a thick veil of smoke hangs over everything. The floor is littered with debris. The door to OR4 is gone; not even the hinges remain. There is no sign of anyone from the bomb squad, which makes the horror of what happened all the more real. There had been two men with the bomb, and they were gone completely. Not a single trace of their existence remained. Terror rises in Derek's throat. If Meredith had been anywhere near the bomb….

Cristina is right. There is no sign of Meredith in the hallway, but with all the debris and the massive filing cabinet tipped over on its side, she may not have been able to see. Meredith has to be here. She has to be okay. She couldn't have gotten close enough to the blast to be killed; the bomb squad never would have let her.

Derek tries to look carefully, but the panic is beginning to spread. He needs to find her. Now. "Dammit Meredith!" he cries in frustration. She isn't here. She's gone. Dead. He's lost his chance to confess his true feelings for her. Maybe he shouldn't have told Addison the truth so soon; at least then he would have had someone to go back to._ But that doesn't mean you'd be happy,_ the little voice at the back of his mind whispered. Besides, it isn't fair to Addie to keep her chained to a man who doesn't love her that way anymore. And what if Meredith is still alive? He wouldn't be able to kiss her or hold her or tell her how he feels without feeling a certain degree of guilt. And would she even believe him if she knew that he hadn't ended things with Addison? He's already lied to her enough.

The defeat is crushing. Derek feels like he's drowning in sorrow, shock, and disbelief; the emotions overwhelm him, threatening to crush him under their weight.

His knees shake as he turns back to the elevator. He can feel that shaky, Jell-O-like sensation spreading through his legs; he doesn't even know if he can make it back to the elevators. His stomach churns nauseatingly, and his head spins. He knows what this is: it's grief. It's like when his father died, only about a hundred times worse.

He can't breathe. It's like his rib cage is shrinking rapidly, squeezing his lungs into nothing. He has to stop for a moment because the dizziness, the breathlessness, the agony like someone has plunged their hand into his hest and ripped his heart out is overpowering. It's then that he notices it: the flash of blue, so uncharacteristically bright amid the wreckage.

Derek freezes. It's not just any blue; it's _that_ blue: the standard issue powder blue of scrubs and surgical gowns. He never noticed it before because it's inside an OR, but now that he has, hope wells in his chest. Can it be?

"Meredith?" he whispers tentatively, stepping into the OR.

It's her. It's definitely her. He can't even see her face, and yet he knows her body so well that he is certain it's her. She's still wearing her surgical gown and flak jacket, so it's not until Derek can see her face and notices all the cuts and bruises, that he realizes she hasn't escaped this unscathed. But how did she get here? The bomb blast wouldn't have thrown her this far, would it have? The trail of blood on the floor, unnoticed before, tells him two things: one, Meredith has some kind of serious wound, and two, she must have dragged herself from somewhere else, which would explain why she's in here and not in the hallway.

She isn't moving, and for a second all he can do is stand there and stare, terrified that she is dead. Then the rational, medical part of his mind wakes up again, and he is beginning to move. _She isn't necessarily dead_, he tells himself rationally as he bends down to check for a pulse. _She could just be unconscious._ Thankfully, there is a pulse. It's faint, but it's there. She's alive. There's a deep cut on her forehead, which explains the blood. Her eyes are closed, and she looks, well, peaceful, like she's sleeping.

"Meredith?" He shakes her gently, trying to wake her. "Wake up, Meredith."

She doesn't respond, and the hope, the relief he had felt knowing that she was alive began to dissipate, desperation rushing up to take its place. The doctor in him begins to list all the things that could possibly be wrong, all the injuries that the eye can't see. She could be bleeding internally, or she could have any number of head injuries: a concussion, or a brain bleed, or worse. Her brain could be swelling right now, bringing her closer and closer to a permanent vegetative state, and he won't even know until it is too late to do anything. "Dammit, Meredith, please," he whispers, touching her shoulder, wanting to grab her and shake some life into her, but terrified of causing more damage. "Don't die on me, Mer. Not now."

He's about to give up, looking around wildly for something, anything that he can take her downstairs on because he is terrified of killing her if he tries to carry her himself, when she stirs slightly. The movement is faint, barely noticeable, but Derek can feel her shift slightly underneath his fingers.

"Meredith?" He crouches over her, watching her face hopefully for any sign of life. She's moving. This is good. It means she's not paralyzed or anything. Her eyelids flutter and Derek's heart leaps. She's okay. She's alive. She's waking up. She's going to be fine.

Meredith mumbles something incoherent and Derek can't help but feel more relieved. She's talking, or trying to. This is good, and yet the panic returns quickly. What if she's trying to tell him that something's wrong?

"What is it Meredith?" he asks gently. "What's wrong?"

"Ouch," Meredith mumbles.

"You're okay, Mer, you just need to stay still. Don't try to move," Derek soothes, placing a hand on her shoulder to try and keep her from trying to get up again. He can't risk her getting more injured than she already is.

"D-Derek?" she whispers. There is confusion on her face, confusion and pain. "What..."

"The bomb went off, Meredith. The shock wave hit you, but you're okay. You're going to be okay." Derek brushes a piece of hair that has escaped from her scrub cap away from her face.

"What-what are you doing here?" Meredith blinks, barely able to keep her eyes open.

Derek smiles sadly. "I promised I would be there, didn't I?"

"Mmm." He's losing her again. Desperately, he shakes her shoulder gently. Meredith gives a small moan of discomfort.

"What hurts?" he asks, trying to keep the urgency out of his voice. She can't go now. He won't lose her.

She scrunches up her face, trying to think. "Unh...everywhere hurts."

"Is there anywhere specific?"

She tries to think again. "My head...my head really hurts."

Her head. Shit. "Do you feel any dizziness? Nausea?"

She nods. "Yeah." A faint smile crosses her face. "You're spinning, Derek."

"Really?" He smiles weakly, playing along, but secretly worried. She definitely has a concussion. She's going to need a CT to check for any bleeding. He needs to get her out of here now, get her downstairs where he can better assess her injuries.

"He was there," Meredith slurs, eyelids fluttering again.

"Who was there?" He needs to keep talking to her, keep her awake.

"Young. He was there, and then he was just gone. Like I had imagined him."

"Meredith," Derek sighs. She's not going to get over this easily. "I'm going to take you downstairs so we can fix you up, okay?"

"Okay," she mumbles.

"But you need to stay awake for me, okay Meredith? You can't go to sleep," Derek whispers, slipping his arms underneath her and scooping her up. She's like a feather; even with the flak jacket on she weighs next to nothing.

"Mhmm," she mumbles, resting her head against Derek's shoulder. He can feel her drifting off already; the head injury must be pretty serious.

"Talk to me Meredith," he begs quietly. "You need to keep talking."

"But my head…it _hurts_."

Derek sighs and bends forward slightly, brushing his lips quickly against her forehead. The bitter, coppery taste of blood mixed with the charred taste of ash fills his mouth instead of the sweet, floral scent that normally perfumes Meredith's skin. "I know," he whispers. "I know it hurts, Mer, but you need to stay with a little longer, okay?"

She doesn't say anything, but turns her head slightly, and catches sight of what's left of the OR hallway. He can hear her breath catch. "I blinked," she whispers.

"What?" Fear clenches Derek's stomach; is this strange babbling a bi-product of her head injury? Is she delusional?

"That's all it took." Her voice is hoarse, feathery; he can barely hear what she is saying. "I blinked, and he was gone. His whole life, everything he had worked for, obliterated in a split second."

She's in shock; he can see her beginning to retreat inside herself the way she always does when something bad has happened to her. He can't let her close off about this; she needs people to help her. She needs to let him in this time. This is going to be a long road to recovery, and she can't do this alone.

* * *

><p>Meredith hurts. Her whole body feels like it's been run over by a ten-ton truck. Her head is the worst: it throbs. She can feel the blood pounding in her brain, and it makes everything fuzzy. She just wants to sleep, to close her eyes so that the pain will go away and when she wakes up, everything will be better. Looking at things makes her nauseous. Everything is blurry. The important thing though is that she's okay. It's over. She's made it. Everything is going to be fine. She's going downstairs, away from the chaos and the rubble that reminds her of everything that's been lost, to somewhere safe and warm, where she can be taken care of. Derek will take care of her.<p>

Derek. Meredith still can't believe that the love of her life is here, holding her, carrying her downstairs. This was the moment that she had been imagining for weeks, months, ever since Addison came to Seattle, but this is not at all how she had pictured it. She doesn't want him to be holding her because he feels sorry for her or because she almost died, but because he loves her and because they are together again. He's arrived to save her like a knight in shining armour, just as she's always wanted him to. He's going to take care of her, and while he does, everything will be okay. Then Addison will reappear and reality will come crashing down and crush her again.

They're in the elevator. Meredith can hear the faint sound of the machinery moving, as they climb the floors, but the sound seems to come from very far away. The navy blue blur in front of her that is Derek's scrubs begins to fade, blackness coming in to take its place.

"Meredith." Derek shifts his grip on her slightly, and she feels a flash of frustration. She just wants to let go. She wants to sleep, but no, Derek has to be here, all worried, trying to protect her. It's nice to have him here, so nice to be in his arms again, but she wishes he would just let her heal.

The dinging of the elevator echoes in Meredith's pounding head, and she wants to cover her ears to block out the noise, but her hands are tucked up against Derek's chest. The doors open, and there is light; it is bright and blinding, and Meredith turns her face deeper into Derek's shoulder to try and lessen the burning sensation in her eyes.

Everything is a blur. Meredith can hear people talking, familiar voices saying things, but she can't make any of it out. Someone is yelling—Cristina maybe?—and then all of a sudden everyone is talking at once, whether it be to her or to Derek or even to each other she has no idea.

"She's going to be fine." Derek's is the only voice she can make out and even his sounds like it is coming from miles away. "She has a head injury, probably a concussion, but we'll have to do a CT to make sure there's no bleeding. She's got some minor cuts and bruises, and the one on her forehead will probably need stitches. She's also probably got a sprained wrist, though it could be a minor fracture. You might want to page someone from Ortho to look at it." He is all business, in full doctor mode, and Meredith relaxes a little bit more; she's in good hands.

Hands are touching her, hands that aren't Derek's. She can feel herself being lowered onto something, and Derek's arms are beginning to slip away; he is letting go of her. She clenches her fist around his scrubs, trying to grab as much fabric as possible. Her wrist throbs painfully with the movement, but there's no way she's letting go of him. While she is in his arms, everything is right; it's easy to maintain that illusion that they are in love and happy and that words like _wife_ and _Addison_ were not in her vocabulary, but as soon as he lets go, reality will come swooping back down. She's not ready for the heartbreak just yet.

"Meredith," Derek's voice whispers gently, "They need to take you up to CT. You need to let go so that they can help you."

Meredith shakes her head. No way is she letting go now. "Please, Derek." She can't say anymore. Can he not do this for her? After all the pain he's caused her, can he not give her this?

The hands disappear, and Meredith knows that she's won.

* * *

><p><em>There's something in Addison's chest, or rather, there's something around Addison's chest, something that is squeezing her ribcage tighter and tighter so that she can barely breathe. <em>

_ Derek went up there. Derek told her that Meredith was the love of his life all along and then he went upstairs to look for her. The bomb went off, and Burke and Cristina came downstairs without Meredith, and then Derek ran up there to look for her. For all she knows, both he and Meredith could be dead. And there's nothing she can do about it. _

_ She shouldn't care so much anymore. She lived with Mark for two months, loved Mark for two months, maybe even more, and only came looking for her husband because Mark had finally given in to his true nature and slept with someone else, so she shouldn't care that her husband is up there looking for the love of his life. She shouldn't feel the icy tendrils of panic creeping up from deep inside of her at the thought of Derek up there, up there where a bomb just went off. She shouldn't feel like someone's punched her in the gut after learning that Derek really was in love with Meredith, especially when it wasn't news to her but rather something she had known for a long time. She shouldn't feel sick to her stomach at the thought of Derek up there, frantically searching for another woman. But she does. _

_ When the elevator dings, announcing that someone is about to get off, Addison forces herself up off the chair in the waiting room where she's been lounging, unable to stand any longer. Other people are moving too: Cristina; Izzie; Alex; the Chief; Adele. They all want to know who it is. They are all hoping it will be the same person, or rather two people, but no one knows for sure. _

_ The elevator doors open, and everyone breathes a momentary sigh of relief. Derek is standing there, holding something in his arms. As he exits the elevator and comes closer, Addison can see that it's Meredith, still wearing full operating gear, including gloves and a scrub cap. She's even got a flak jacket strapped to her chest. Her face is covered in blood and grime, and her eyes are barely open. The way Derek holds her, like she is the most important thing in the world, makes Addison sick to her stomach, so much so that she has to turn and walk away. She's relieved that Derek's alive, but she doesn't want to stick around and watch him take care of another woman with more love and tenderness than he ever showed towards her. It hurts too much, and she can't do it right now because seeing Derek holding Meredith introduces Addison to her new reality, the one where their marriage really is over and he has found another woman to love and cherish the way he once promised Addison he would her. And she's not ready to face reality yet. After everything she's been through today, she can't deal with this._

* * *

><p>They rush Meredith straight to CT. Derek gently removes the flak jacket and tries to remove the surgical gown, but Meredith bats his hands away. Since the CT scan won't be harmed by any of her clothing, he lays her down gently on the bed and tries to pry her fingers off of his scrub shirt so that he can cover her and they can get the scan started.<p>

"Meredith," he murmurs. "You can let go now."

"You won't leave?" she mumbles.

"I won't go anywhere," he promises.

Reluctantly, Meredith relinquishes her hold on his scrubs and he drapes the blanket gently over her small form. He nods at Cristina, who is in the booth with Izzie, and presses the button on the machine.

"Derek?" Meredith's voice, faint and afraid, echoes off the inside of the CT machine.

"I'm here, Meredith," he replies calmly, taking hold of her feet. "See? I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay," she sighs, and he sees her eyelids flutter shut.

Even though she is bruised, bloody and barely conscious in a CT machine, Derek still finds her beauty breathtaking. He rubs her feet gently between his hands, marvelling at how small and perfect they are. He glances at the ridiculous navy blue Converse that she always insists on wearing even though they're so bad for her feet, which have been left on the floor by the door, and can't help but smile. She's probably the only surgeon he knows who wears Converse all day, but he thinks it's cute. She's cute. And sexy, and funny, and he can't live without her. He knows that now.

He remembers Tucker as they are taking Meredith out of CT. Sure, the surgery was a success, but Tucker is still his patient, and besides, there are some things that Meredith needs that he can't give her. She needs a shower, she needs some girl time, and these aren't things that he can give her. So, ignoring the overpowering need to stay by her side at all times, he hands Meredith off to Cristina and Izzie.

"Her scans are clean. It's just a concussion." There is no concealing the relief in Izzie's voice.

"But it's a serious one. Grade III." As usual, Cristina can't look on the bright side.

"Right. Well that's good." It's nice to know that there's no bleeder, that there won't be any surgery. It's just a concussion. He can deal with a concussion. "Listen, I have to go check on Tucker. She needs to get cleaned up." Derek hopes that Izzie and Cristina will understand what he can't say: _She needs you now. There's nothing more I can do. _

Cristina nods. "We'll take care of it."

"Good. I'll be back to check on her when I'm done." Derek knows that he should head off and check on Tucker now, but his feet are rooted to the ground. It's not until Izzie and Cristina have lead Meredith off towards the locker room that Derek finally turns and heads off towards Tucker's room.

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Reviewsconstructive criticisms are much appreciated!****


	10. Come Home

**A/N: So here's the final chapter. It's been a long, dramatic roller coaster ride to get here, but here we are. **

**I realized that I should probably stick one of these up at some point: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THIS. If I did, there wouldn't be any need for me to write this.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em>George doesn't know what to do anymore. The crisis is over. The bomb went off. Bailey had her baby. Tucker survived his surgery. Mr Carlson is alive. There's no need to panic, no need to wonder if he is going to die today. Bailey doesn't need him anymore; she has her husband and her baby. Meredith doesn't need him; she has Izzie and Cristina. Dr Montgomery-Shepherd doesn't need him, but then again, he's not sure she needs anyone right now. If the rumours are true, Dr Shepherd told her that Meredith is the love of his life, effectively ending their marriage. <em>

_ George is happy not being needed right now. He's tired, and he just wants to go home, have a huge meal, a hot shower, and go to bed. He's had enough work for one day. _

_ There shouldn't be anyone in the locker room at this time of night, and so George is surprised when he opens the door to see Cristina and Izzie coaxing a stunned, silent, and filthy Meredith into the shower. The surprise doesn't last long though, and shame creeps up quickly to take its place as he remembers the dream he was having this morning. To think that he had wanted to walk in on the three of them in the shower, washing each other and saying all the things he had always wanted to hear from a woman. Well, he's walked in on them now, and it isn't sexy or stimulating like it was in his dream. It's heartbreaking, and it makes him feel like he's intruding on some deep, private moment. And yet, horrified as he is to be witnessing this, he can't look away. So he stands there silently as Izzie peels off Meredith's surgical gown and removes the scrub cap, letting all of her hair spill around her shoulders. He watches as Cristina turns on the water, and the two of them tip Meredith's head back gently so that the water runs down her face like a river. He tries to turn away at the very least, but he can't move. He's never seen Meredith so fragile-looking, not even after Derek chose Addison. She won't lift a finger to help herself; she just stands there like some kind of statue, not even noticing that she is still fully clothed. He can't help but notice the concern on Izzie and Cristina's faces; neither of them has anticipated this either. _

_ "Derek," Meredith mumbles suddenly. _

_ "He's with Tucker, Meredith," Izzie soothes, and from her tone of voice, George can tell that this isn't the first time she's had to tell Meredith this. "He'll be back soon."_

_ No sooner has she says this does Shepherd enter the locker room, brushing past George as if he isn't even there. He sees Meredith standing helplessly in the shower and crosses to her without breaking his stride. There is no hesitation, no doubt in his steps. _

_ "I'm here Meredith, " he whispers, cradling her face in his hands, ignoring the fact that he is getting soaked too. "I'm here." _

_ Izzie and Cristina turn and go, not wanting to intrude on the intimacy of the moment. They see George now, but if they realize that he's been here the whole time, neither of them says anything. "_

_ "How is she?" George asks quietly, feeling the need to say something._

_ "She's fine," Cristina says firmly. "She has a concussion and a sprained wrist, but she's going to be okay."_

_ "She doesn't look okay."_

_ "She's Meredith. She'll be fine." With that, Cristina leaves the locker room, Izzie following her. George takes one last look at Meredith, who hasn't moved; even now that Derek is there, tenderly washing all the blood and grime away from her face and arms. _

_ He doesn't find it hard to turn away now. The arrival of Derek has reminded him of the painful reality: Meredith doesn't love him, and she probably never will. She has Derek. She doesn't need him._

_ Nobody does._

* * *

><p>"Addison."<p>

Derek looks up, startled, wondering if he has misheard. Meredith's voice was nothing more than an incoherent mumble, so it's highly possible that he's misheard what she said. Either that, or she's not fully aware of what she's saying. She's severely concussed; it's not surprising that her brain is doing making her say strange things. "What?"

Meredith shifts slightly in the hospital bed. She's been admitted so that they can keep an eye on her overnight, and even though they'll let her go home tomorrow, it'll be at least a week, more likely two, until she's back at work again. And even then, she won't be back to work full time. The concussion is pretty serious, not to mention her wrist, which luckily turned out to be nothing more than a sprain.

"Addison." Her voice is stronger this time; there's no mistaking what she's said. "Your wife. You should," she paused; talking was obviously an effort. "You should be with her."

"Meredith." Derek's chest aches. She's been through so much, some of it caused by him, and yet she's still honourable enough to tell him that he should be with his wife. "Addison and I—We—We're not together anymore. It's over."

"You left her?"

"It was time, Meredith. We stopped loving each other a long time ago."

"But you…" Meredith trails off, confused. He can't understand it; shouldn't she be happier? They can finally be together, and all she can feel in confusion? "You chose her," Meredith whispers, staring at her hands, which are twisting the blanket nervously.

Derek sighs. He understands now. It all comes back to this, to this choice he made. They are never going to outrun this one. No matter how hard they try, no matter how many good memories they may or may not have to share in the future, this will always be the elephant in the room. He chose Addison. He had the chance to choose Meredith, and he chose Addison. "Meredith…" How could he explain this in a way that would make her see why he had done what he did? She can't even look at him. How can he make her see when she won't even look at him? "I couldn't just leave Addison like that. When she came back to Seattle…I wasn't happy she was here, but I felt like I owed it to her, to us, to give it one last try. We were married eleven years, Meredith. That's a long time. And when she came back here saying that she still loved me, that she might still be the love of my life, well I couldn't not give it another try."

"It's nice that you tried to make it work, Derek. It makes you a good person. An honourable person. It was proof that you were the Derek that I fell in love with." Meredith still won't look at him. "But she cheated on you. With your best friend. How can you forgive that?"

Derek runs a hand through his hair. They are in dangerous waters now. Cheating isn't something that Meredith takes lightly; after all it was her mother's affair with Richard that tore her family apart. "It wasn't just Addison's fault, Meredith. Or Mark's for that matter," he adds, seeing the look on her face. "It wasn't like he seduced her or she fell in love with him or they were trying to hurt me. It was my fault too. I—"

"How is it your fault?" Despite the fact that her voice is still weak, there is no mistaking the frustration in her tone. "You don't have to blame yourself for everything, Derek."

"I wasn't there, Meredith!" he exclaims. "I was never home. There was always another case; another surgery; just one more patient that needed my attention. I didn't have time for Addison anymore. I took her for granted; I forgot about what it was like to love her. She was all alone, and Mark was there, paying her all the attention I should have been giving her. Seeing them in bed together was painful, but not necessarily because I was still in love with Addison. It was more because they had lied to me. They were my best friends, and they went behind my back. Mark never told me I should have paid more attention to Addison, he just swooped in and took my place. Addison never told me she wanted me home more often, she just bottled up all her pain and then slept with someone else. So when she came back, I had to give it one more try. I had to make up for all the times I hadn't been there for her."

"So you're just going to give up on her now?" Meredith whispers. "You're just going to give up?"

Derek shakes his head in frustration. "I'm not giving up. It's over. It was over before Addison even came back to Seattle. I just didn't realize it until now. Don't you see, Meredith? There was never any choice to be made. I just didn't see it at the time when it mattered most. I thought that I owed it to us to stick it out with Addison. I thought I needed to try. I thought there might be some love left in me for her, but there isn't." He pauses to take a breath before continuing. "It took your hand on a bomb to make me realize that I never had a choice. It was always you, Meredith. You're the love of my life. And I almost lost you today because I couldn't see that sooner."

Meredith doesn't say anything for a moment. Derek is terrified that she is going to tell him that she's moved on, that she's healed herself and that she doesn't want him anymore. Finally, she speaks.

"Take me home, Derek."

"What?"

"I can't stay here," she whispers. "After everything that happened today…I need to get out of here. I need to go home."

"Meredith, they want to keep you overnight for observation to make sure that you're okay. You have a pretty serious concussion."

"And you're a world-class neurosurgeon. I'm sure you can handle a concussion. Please Derek," she begs, and his heart melts.

"I'll talk to Richard," he concedes. "But if he says no, you're not going anywhere."

"Fine," she whispers, sinking back onto the pillows. Derek can see the pain in her eyes, and the shock. She doesn't want to stay in this place full of ghosts and terrifying memories of bombs and near-death experiences. He has to take her home.

* * *

><p>There is some arguing with the Chief as to whether or not Meredith has to stay at the hospital, but eventually, Derek convinces him to let her go home. Meredith is glad; she doesn't want to spend one more minute in this place. She needs be able to think, to clear her head. So much has happened today. She touched a bomb, and watched two guys blow up before her very eyes. She almost died, and Derek left his wife and told her that she was the love of his life. It's a lot to take in, and she can't deal with it here. She's not even sure if she can deal with it at home, but it will be easier to grasp there.<p>

Derek drives her home. They don't say anything the whole way home. Meredith doesn't know how to put what she is feeling into words, and he seems to understand that she doesn't want to talk. She rests her head on the seat and closes her eyes, trying to assuage the pounding in her head. All of the other aches have lessened: her wrist has been bandaged, the cut on her forehead sutured, and she has been given something for the general pain, so now it's only the pounding in her head accompanied by occasional bouts of dizziness and nausea that remain.

She tries not to think, because thinking makes her head hurt more, but the thoughts chase themselves relentlessly around her brain anyways. Derek is leaving Addison. He's really leaving her this time. He's going to sign those papers, and he and Meredith are going to be together at last, and then it won't matter that she can't remember their last kiss because there will be many more kisses coming her way. Everything is as it should be, and yet, Meredith doesn't feel happy or satisfied, the way she had always thought she would be when this happened. Derek didn't choose her. He picked Addison, and then changed his mind. She knows that she should be happy that he has chosen her now, that he is here, smiling and saying things and promising forever, but she can't get over the fact that she wasn't his first choice. He had to pick Addison to realize that she was the one he really wanted. And had the bomb not gone off today, he'd probably still be with Addison.

_You're the love of my life_. He finally said the words she's been dying to hear for months, and thinking that she would never hear. He loves her too. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her. It's all she's ever wanted, and yet now that it's here, it's too much. She can't deal with all of this right now. She needs time, and space, to figure out what's next. Which is why she has to send Derek away.

"We're here."

Meredith opens her eyes slowly. The light shines through the windows of the house like a beacon, and Meredith knows that everyone else has beaten her home. Izzie is probably in the kitchen baking—whether or not the baked goods are to make Meredith feel better or as a result of Izzie's relief that she is alive, Meredith has no idea—and George is either lounging in the living room or already asleep. Meredith suppresses a groan as she imagines the scene that will unfold when she enters the house: Izzie, appearing from the kitchen, apron over her clothes, with those big worried eyes, all ready to talk and to comfort. Meredith doesn't want to talk about anything right now. She wants to go to bed and forget this ever happened.

There's a long silence. Meredith doesn't get out of the car, and Derek is obviously waiting for her to say something, invite him in maybe? As much as Meredith wants him to come in and fend off Izzie with her big, sad eyes, and then stay the night with her, she can't. She has to have some time, some space, to think about everything that he's said. She needs time to deal with all this.

"Thanks for the ride," Meredith says quietly, fumbling with her seatbelt and opening the door.

"Do you need help?" Derek looks at her with those big, sad eyes, and she knows that the ball is in her court. He's not going to come in unless she invites him.

She shakes her head. "I'll be fine. If I need anything, I can ask George or Izzie."

"Of course." He's hurt, but he doesn't say anything more. He's not going to push it tonight.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Derek." She hopes he'll understand what she really means. _I can't let you in now because I need space, but you can come and see me tomorrow. _

"Okay. Sleep well, Meredith."

Meredith heads into the house without looking back. She can't, she's afraid if she does that she'll cave and invite Derek in. She needs this. She needs the space.

Mercifully, Izzie doesn't come and greet her at the door. Meredith realizes why: the sound of the electric mixer drowns out the noise of the door. She goes straight upstairs to her room, her progress slow. She has to stop twice on the stairs because the dizziness is overpowering, but she makes it and collapses on her bed, fully dressed. Derek helped her put some clothes on at the hospital: black yoga pants and the deep red V-neck sweater she likes so much.

Her head feels so much better lying down. It's still painful, but much less so. Meredith pulls the blankets around herself, and waits for sleep to come. She's terrified of closing her eyes, all she can see when she does is the bomb going off, that last look on Young's face before he was blown to smithereens. She wishes now that Derek were here to hold her and make everything better. He's the love of her life and he's finally admitted that she's the love of his life too, and what does she do? She sends him away. _Stupid,_ stupid,_ Meredith_. She mentally smacks herself. This is classic Meredith, proof that she is screwed up and dysfunctional and no one should have to deal with her for their whole lives, let alone marry her. How can Derek want her when she is so obviously flawed? She can't understand it, but somehow he still does, and she should just accept that, no questions asked, not send him packing. She's probably ruined whatever shot they have left. And she told him to go _home_? To the _trailer_? Addison lives at the trailer. She's just sent him back to his ex-wife. _Stupid_.

She wanted so badly to be alone, and now that she is, she wishes she weren't.

* * *

><p><em>Six-dozen muffins. That's how many Izzie has made by the time she hears the doorbell. Maybe six-dozen is a little excessive, but baking is her therapy, and after a day like today, she needs all the therapy she can get. <em>

_ There was a bomb at the hospital. A real bomb, the kind that goes off and decimates everything around it. And it did go off, and killed two guys and destroyed the whole OR hallway. And Meredith…she almost died because she was so close to the bomb when it went off. And Izzie had sex with Alex. Not once, but several times, even though she'd told him that very morning that her legs were going to remain closed to him. And Bailey had her baby while her husband was recovering from major brain surgery. _

_ The scariest part is that it could have been Izzie. She could have easily been the one to get assigned to Mr Carlson; she could have been the one up there with the bomb. And the scariest part is that if it had been her, there was no way she would have stuck her hand in that guys chest when the paramedic pulled her hand out. So, had she been the girl with the bomb, they all would have died. Hence the baking. _

_ They aren't bad muffins either. Damn good if Izzie does say so herself. There's some variety too: a dozen banana, a dozen lemon cranberry, a dozen blueberry, and three dozen raspberry (her favourite). She doesn't think anyone in the house is going to mind, after all, none of them ever have any time to cook proper meals, and so it's nice to have something quick and easy on hand to eat. _

_ She wonders who could be at the door. She doesn't think it will be Cristina; she's gone home to Burke. She hopes that it isn't Alex; he's a nice guy, and the sex is great, but she really doesn't want to go at it with him anymore. It can't be Meredith either; even though Izzie hasn't heard her come in, she wouldn't ring the doorbell. It's her house after all. _

_ The door reveals the one person Izzie doesn't expect to see: Derek. He stands there silently, hands in the pockets of his coat, staring at his shoes. She wonders why he's here, he should be at home by now. He looks equally surprised to see Izzie, as if he's forgotten that she lives here too. _

_ "Dr Shepherd." _

_ "Stevens. Is, uh Meredith still awake?" _

Meredith's home?_ This was news to Izzie. "I'll go and check. Why don't you come in?" Izzie feels bad leaving McDreamy standing out in the rain. _

_ She watches him as she climbs the stairs. He stands in the foyer, looking around, with that sad, lost look on his face. She feels bad; today has been such a difficult day for him. She half-hopes that Meredith will be asleep already. He means well, but Meredith doesn't need any more pain._

* * *

><p>Derek knows he should have stayed away. She doesn't want him here tonight. She needs her space, and he can understand that. For someone like Meredith, all of this is a lot to take in, but he can't leave her just yet. There's something he needs to get off his chest, something he needs to say. He doesn't know what it is, but he needs to do something to relieve the pressure that is threatening to crush him. Besides, he doesn't want to go back to the trailer. Addison won't want to see him either.<p>

It's only been a minute or two since Izzie went upstairs, but it feels like forever. Derek waits, hands in the pockets of his jeans, eyes roaming everywhere but seeing nothing. He can't get her out of his head, and the pain of not being with her—if that's even the cause of his pain—is too much for him to take. He keeps seeing her lifeless body lying there every time he goes to close his eyes, and she needs to know that. She needs to know that she isn't the only one who's been affected by today. He has too.

Her footsteps on the staircase barely make any noise, but Derek knows she's there. She looks better; she's moving slowly, but there is more colour in her face and less pain. The dizziness must be subsiding. He opens his mouth to say something to her, to tell her everything he needs to say so badly, but she beats him to it. "Hey." She sounds slightly confused, like she can't understand why he looms so upset.

Derek takes a deep breath. "Hey." His voice is hardly more than a whisper; he's too busy trying to trying to figure our how to put his feelings into words.

"What happened to your face?"

"My face?" Derek is thrown. What's wrong with his face?

"Your face. It's all bruised, and there's a cut on your cheek." Meredith pauses to take a closer look. "Did that need stitches?"

Derek has completely forgotten about the fight with Karev and his half-assed attempt to suture his own face, but remembers now that Meredith has brought it up. She must only be noticing it now because of the light, or maybe she was just never paying attention before. "Oh, it's nothing. I got in a fight. That's all."

"A fight?" Meredith repeats incredulously.

Derek nods. "With Karev. But—"

"You fought with Alex?"

Derek sighs impatiently. "Yes, but it doesn't matter Meredith. I'm fine. What matters is—" He breaks off, unable to voice his thoughts properly. "You almost died today," he finally says.

Meredith's face sobers; his fight with Karev forgotten. "Yeah. I almost died today."

There are so many things Derek wants to say, but none of them seem to come out. He opens his mouth, trying to tell her how her almost dying nearly killed him, how he lost it several times, but it's like the words are stuck in his throat. She's looking at him expectantly, almost hopefully, waiting for him to say something, anything, but he can't, so he turns and leaves, heavy hearted.

"I can't—" Meredith's voice makes him freeze halfway out the door. He turns and looks at her, and sees that her expression is pained. Hopeful, he steps back into the house.

"I can't remember our last kiss." Derek can't help the tiny smile that creeps up at the memory. "All I could think about was 'I'm going to die today, and I can't remember our last kiss', which is pathetic, but…The last time we were together and happy—I want to be able to remember that. And I can't, Derek."

The way she says it breaks Derek's heart. She wants to remember the last time they were happy. You don't say those kinds of things to the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. You say them to the person who you love but are never going to see again. He nods, resigning himself to the sad truth: she isn't ready for this. She can't get over the fact that he chose Addison. He's ruined everything.

"I can't remember," she says softly, urging him to remind her.

Derek tries not to let the heartbreak show. "I'm glad you didn't die today," he says after a long moment, before turning and heading out the door.

He's barely closed the door all the way behind him when he stops. Why shouldn't he tell Meredith about their last kiss? If he reminds her of it, maybe she'll realize how happy they were together, how they're meant to be. Either way, she deserves to know.

"It was a Thursday morning." Meredith has already started to head back upstairs, but Derek's voice stops her. Seeing her hesitation, he comes back in again, but holds the door open for himself; he's not going to stay. "You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth T-shirt you look so good in, the one with the hole in the back of the neck." He smiles just thinking about it. "You'd just washed your hair, and you smelled like kind of…flower." For the life of him he still can't remember the smell.

Meredith begins to turn towards him, and he can see that she's remembering too. "I was running late for surgery," he continues. "You said you were going to see me later. Then you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest, and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick, kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper, and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

"Lavender." He's almost out the door when her voice calls him back again. "My hair smelled like lavender, from my conditioner."

Derek nods, smiling. "Lavender." Of course. Now that he knows, the smell is easily identifiable. He chuckles to himself. How could he have forgotten, especially when he used to tease her about the overpowering smell of her conditioner?

The feeling, the pressure is gone now, and, as much as he hates to leave, he can go now. The storm is getting worse, and Derek will probably end up spending the night at the Archfield because the weather will be too bad to make it all the way out to the trailer.

"I want it to be a habit," Meredith blurts out suddenly. She can't let him go like this. She needs him here, now.

Derek turns, still standing on the porch. He looks at her expectantly, almost like he knows exactly what she is going to say, but is just waiting to hear it from her own lips.

"I want the kissing to be a habit," she says breathlessly, terrified of what she is confessing, but knowing that, scary as it is, she wants it. Badly. "I want to be able to kiss you every morning before I go to work, and know that I can come home and do it again." There. She's said it. She's finally admitted that she needs him.

Derek smiles, a real McDeramy smile. "Me too," he admits.

"Don't go, Derek." This is it. There's no going back now. "Stay here. With me."

"Are you sure?" Derek asks gently. "I'll understand if you need space."

Meredith shakes her head. "I can't sleep. I can't sleep because every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing Young and the bomb going off. I need you to hold me, so that when I close my eyes, I won't see any of that, all I'll see is you."

* * *

><p>Thankfully, there is still an old pair of Derek's pyjamas in Meredith's closet. He doesn't ask why they were never returned because he knows why: Meredith needed to keep a little piece of him.<p>

It feels so good to lie in Derek's arms again, but still, Meredith can't sleep. The headache is back with a vengeance, and she can't stop thinking about whether or not Cristina finally told Burke that she loves him too.

"You still awake?" Derek mumbles, already half-asleep.

"My head hurts," she whispers, thinking that Cristina would not appreciate her sharing the whole Burke thing with him.

"Try closing your eyes," he murmurs, lips brushing her temple. "You won't feel it when you're asleep."

"Okay," She snuggles closer to Derek, relishing at how at home she feels in Derek's arms. "You know I love you, right?"

Even though her head is tucked under Derek's chin, she can feel him smile. "Yeah. I do."

"I was so afraid I would die without being able to tell you," she whispers, burrowing her face a little closer to his shoulder.

"I know. I was to," he murmurs. "But it's over now, Meredith. It's over, and you're going to be okay, and I love you. That's all that matters."

"Yeah." Meredith closes her eyes, feeling profoundly content. "That's all that matters."

She can tell from the way Derek relaxes that he's fallen asleep. Part of her wishes he hadn't, that they could stay up late and kiss and hold each other, but he's tired, and so is she. It's been a long day, and there will be many more nights filled with hot sex and kisses of all kinds. They just need to take it one step at a time.

The most important thing is that she has Derek. She's here in his arms, and she'll still be there tomorrow morning. He's not going to disappear. He's here, and in this moment, in his arms, she feels whole and healed, like the heartache that has been her constant companion never happened. And she knows that it will always be like this. Now, and forever.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Wow. Never though that ending a story would be so hard. There were so many moments when I was like, 'I can just end it here', but then I'd just keep going because I couldn't stop. Part of that was probably because I felt like the actually episode didn't end the way I wanted it to, and so I had to fix all the things that Shonda did that I didn't agree with (like Meredith and Derek not being together), but it was also because I just love Meredith and Derek so much, and I just wanted them to have the happy ending they deserve. **

**I want to send a HUGE thank you to everyone who reviewed. Honestly, I probably would have given up on this a long time ago without you guys. **

**So that's it. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! **

**Reviews are great! **


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